Stuck

Cindy

I feel so stuck. I am married to a wonderful man. I have been married for almost a decade and adore my husband. We are both witnesses. He is devout. Any issues that come up, he sits down and prays with me, finds answers in the bible and is mild in his approach. We talk everything through.

we both grew up as witnesses. My husband in a strict JW family. Mine were not so strict. I started pioneering at 20 years old and was a textbook nice spiritual young sister. We met in our mid 20s and married after a couple of years.

i started having doubts in my late 20s. I would try to ignore the doubts and tried to pray for spirituality and help on overcoming my doubts. I have felt bored at meetings and conventions/assemblies for years. At our most recent I didn't take any notes and barely clapped. My husband knows I'm struggling with my belief in a god. He is very kind and understanding.

I have no time for angry anti-JW comments. JWs are kind people. It's more that I don't believe it's the truth. I feel stuck in this life. I can leave my friends and ones I know. But It will break my heart disappointing my husband. I feel like I signed up to support him spiritually. I am one of the lucky ones in life having found love, but it's at a cost. I'm not being true to myself.

i feel depressed and like I am being fake in life. My husband is visiting family overseas right now. I'm taking it as a holiday from meetings. Will call in sick for the talk I'm meant to give this week.

if I slow fade it will take me years. Has anyone else had to deal with this? Or are in my situation?

Giles Gray

If you are feeling depressed then you have to do something about the situation you are in.

No easy answers. Expressing your doubts would be a good start, especially if he's noticed something is wrong and would be inclined to be understanding. Gently and slowly, one point at a time.

The alternative is to stay in and act out the rest of your life. Only you will know if this is the best option or not but it doesn't sound like it.

The Searcher

Welcome Cindy. Things will get better. Just take small steps and protect yourself as you fade.

You have a P.M.

Ignoranceisbliss

It's a brutal situation. I am similar but me and my wife also have young children. I've been faking it for about 3 years now. In my mind there are no answers. Only decisions. So far I have opted to fake it. But it doesn't get any easier. In reality each year it gets harder to fake it. If my life as a dub was miserable it would be easier to leave. But in reality I have a great (indoctrinated) wife and a really nice extended family. Good luck with your situation. Regardless of what you do, don't make any rash decisions.

freddo

Oh it's so not easy - this waking up when you love your spouse dearly but they are devout.

Don't rush, don't blurt out things that can come back and be used against you by those your husband in all sincerity seeks help from.

Rather than attack "God" - how about inconsistencies in the literature that has made it impossible for you to trust "imperfect men" anymore.

Go on jwfacts to find some real beauties.

The "overlapping generation" is dealt with using the WT literature and scripture to great effect. ONLY USE WT literature and the Bible - no reference to "apostate websites" or the "apostate sources card" will trump the truth you tell and close you down.

Another:

Remember at the convention that hate filled video where the scandinavian young woman is forced back to Jehovah by her deluded parents whose father scowls at her contemptuously across the KH when she is df'd and ignored when she phones her mother?

Now look up on jaydubya dotorg under FAQ's about "do JW's shun?" and see how it is portrayed there and ask your husband to explain why one thing is portrayed on the website and another at the convention?

Stick to WT literature, take your time, cross your fingers and hope for the best.

Oh and seek advice here! There are some crazies but most of us understand completely and want to help.

Freddo

P.S. You can trust "The Searcher" - he knows his stuff!

nicolaou

Be honest with your husband, he deserves it and may well surprise you. I was in your situation for a year or so before I opened up to my wife. There were lots of tears and bad feelings for a while but we got through it and are stronger than ever.

She was never interested in doctrine, still isn't. I grudgingly respected her wish not to discuss beliefs but found it frustrating. What I didn't appreciate at the time was that she was putting our young family first before anything else. I love her so much for that.

Give your husband the chance to be more than you think he can be. No promises here, I'm sure you're in for some tough times.

Good luck.

FadeToBlack

As long as he is willing to listen, keep asking questions. Maybe one of them will get him thinking about the org approved answer.

And I'd agree with you that most of them are really nice people. My wife recently moved back to the English speaking congregation and had them over to our house for a cookout this weekend. Of course I got the - 'it would be nice to see you at the meeting tomorrow' as they were leaving, but it wasn't too bad of an afternoon. At least nobody wanted to sing kingdom melodies!

I know she is hoping one day soon I will come back, but it is just not going to happen.

There is lots of good advice here from others in a similar situation. It sounds like your husband will absorb some of the heat for you, so take advantage of that. Just make it clear to him that you need to slow-down abit.

LoveUniHateExams

Welcome, Cindy.

I did a slow fade. There's nothing wrong with reaching a healthy, do-able compromise, IMO.

One of the most common reasons for disfellowshipping is sex outside of marriage, but if you and your husband are happy together then that wouldn't be an issue.

The best advice I can give is just do a nice, slow fade. Perhaps other posters can give you better advice.

pale.emperor

Hi Cindy

I would suggest a slow fade thereby keeping your old contacts and family. You could always turn up to conventions and memorials only like many successful fades do. Like FREDDO (above) says, dont mention apostate sites or anti-JW sites. There's great resources to old WT mags there you can quote from.

As time goes by your husband may wake up to it too but maybe not. You sound sincere and genuine and i wish you a happy future whatever happens.

ToesUp

I am sorry you are dealing with this. It is tough.

I too was raised in a JW family (Elder father). Our situation was a bit different.My spouse and I both had doubts for years and are into our third year fade. At this point, we really don't care if everyone knows.

No one can tell you what to do. Everyone's story and situation is different. Unfortunately, there is NO easy way to leave this religion. Where else in life do you loose your ENTIRE social circle and family because you don't believe everything that is taught? It is truly sad.

There is a saying that I always stick to by William Shakespeare ..."to thine own self be true." I personally stick to this one throughout life. My personality does not allow me to do something I don't truly believe in. You may be a different type of person. It is a catch 22 for you due to being married to a uber spiritual man. If you reveal your doubts you will get the parroted replies, " you need to pray more, go to more meetings and service." It is their answer for everything. I tried this and still had the nagging doubts. You have to ask yourself the question, "if I decide to stay in, can I deal with the doubts and put on a happy face, all the while I am screaming inside?"

I can tell you that the only way that I could deal with it was to hit the liquor store on the way home from the meetings. If I were "still in" I truly believe I would be a raging alcoholic. Now I can have a glass of wine because I really enjoy it, not because I need it. We have so many still in family members that are reliant on alcohol and anti depressants. It is incredible. They could not survive without these two things. Why? You are supposed to be the " happiest people on the earth." Google the 2 words, cognitive dissonance. This explains why so many within the organization are depressed. I believe we escaped before we allowed the depression to take over.

Like I said before, it is your decision and you have to do what is best for YOU and your family.

I really feel for you. It is a tough situation. Hugs to you. Keep us posted on any changes.

BTW, this is a great place to vent. You might not agree or like everyone who posts but if you are able to read through some posts, you will get some great ideas and thoughts from others. Be open minded and think, think, think. Like I tell my kids, "never stop learning."

Stuck

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