Give Love to Receive Love ???

by IMHO 16 Replies latest jw friends

  • IMHO

    Please help me understand this.

    Over the years I have seen and have heard of many who have changed congregation due to the 'lack of love' shown in their own. You then hear many condemning such ones as 'having a problem' and 'taking their problems with them'. Although the congregation may be known for its love why can't they accept that the love may not have been extended to those that chose to move, proven you might say by the comments in referring to 'their problem'.

    It is true that I have seen love shown but it seems limited to an individuals close friends, others may be treated politely, they may get a 'how are you' and a smile at the meetings but that's about it. I fall into the latter category. Please tell me "Is it because I'm not showing love?" I suffer with social anxiety and depression for which I am on medication so find it very difficult to approach people and in the past (many years ago) I have actually been called selfish for "sitting in my chair and waiting for people to talk to me".

  • CovertsadJW
    I cannot generalize , but I feel that many in the “ truth “‘are barely hanging on, don’t do it intentionally, and may I say do not understand your needs. I see many tired faces , and somedays I don’t even get a hello , but that’s because I’m fading - if someone sits down with me I am fairly decent company ..... most friends are superficial at best, gone in an instant - I have a few that are real
  • steve2

    Slightly off topic but my view is this:

    We should be grateful for congregations that have a 'lack of love' because it makes it more likely those in such congregations will more readily realize TTATT. If JW congregations consistently showed love to all who attended meetings, it would be harder for individuals in those sorts of congregations to realize TTATT.

  • tiki

    Huh? A kind person shows kindness and compassion one and matter what religion or faction or family or whatever. If someone shows compassion and love, that is a good thing...for the giver and the recipient. The thing with religion is that they like to chant how loving they are and how that is a mark of true Christianity...but what do they really feel and express in reality shows up the real persona.

  • scratchme1010
    Please tell me "Is it because I'm not showing love?"

    No. People who love you don't come to tell you that you are selfish in such crass manner.

    My own experience with the JWs is that they really try to make you believe that all the shit that they do behind you back, all the emotional crap that they dump on you, and all the lack of consideration and respect for your feelings is love. It isn't. If you have a social anxiety issue, people who truly love you will be sensitive to you, especially when it comes to socializing. They are horrible at anything social. In fact, they may be the main source of your social anxiety.

    Changing congregations may help, but at the end of the day, their idea of love and acceptance may still hurt you. If your social anxiety and depression escalate or remains a problem, please seek professional help and don't rely solely on your congregation for it.

  • MrRoboto

    Having been a "one" who was going to change for the same reason (plus lots of other BS I won't go into) I can say that it seems that the cliques show "love" among themselves but not so much to others.

    Thats why they arent supposed to have cliques but it happens anyway. There is very little real love in the bORG, consider yourself fortunate if you were able to experience it there.

    you obviously are not an elder or immediate family thereof. they get alot of attention.

    i stopped showing love when I realized the truth about this org and the deliberate lies and false teachings and cover ups.

    try spending less time at a KH, your stress levels will go down.

  • Phoebe


    Please do not feel bad, it is not you.

    I also suffer from anxiety and I have had depression in the past.

    I had been going to the meetings alone (i finally stopped last May) My husband stopped about 20 years ago. Hardly anyone would talk to me and I would sit alone. I mean really alone, no one would even sit on my row! I was told I needed to 'widen out' and I tried. I'd see a group of women talking and I'd walk up and say hi but it was so awkward and very obvious no one wanted to talk to me. I can only assume that it was because my husband had left and my children went to university that maybe I was considered 'bad association'

    I can't tell you how many times I walked home from meetings in tears.

    To be truthful it was the lack of love and compassion that finally finished me off. I found people would care about those in their 'clique' but anyone outside they would ignore.

    If you suffer from anxiety please go and get some help. I saw a psychologist for a year and it really helped me.

    And one last thing, I've been shown more love from this forum than I have from JWs. People here genuinely care. So don't suffer alone.

  • Xanthippe

    IMHO I notice that you joined the forum eleven years ago. Please believe me I sympathise with you because I have had depression and sometimes I have social anxiety. I just wonder why you are still in this cult after all this time. My depression got better when I left and I have made good friends. I'm not judging you I'm just concerned.

  • amicabl

    I have had social anxiety disorder for all of my life, becoming much worse from my late twenties forty years ago.

    I saw a psychiatrist for twenty years who dished out the usual benzodiazapines, which I have to say have kept me going and I seem to tolerate them, which goes against all the printed evidence apparently.

    It was hard going to the hall when I was in, some evenings not talking to anybody and feeling really out of it and it is emotionally hard now with my wife still in even though I am totally out and "inactive" now. She understands my problem though and supports me as did many in the cong as I had known some since the mid seventies.

    In late 1998 there was a really good article in the awake mag on SAD which actually caused some discussion at the hall and it surprised me to find that quite a few had this problem at varying levels. I had also found the same thing at work. Some much worse than me.

    There have been some good replies and comments made here IMHO and I don't have any advice other than to echo what Phoebe said and go and talk things over with a psychologist that you feel really comfortable with.. All the best to you.

  • millie210

    IMHO, you are not alone and you are picking up on a very real and unnatural climate in the Kingdom Hall.

    You will never get a true reading on how much of what you sense is wrong with the folks in the Kingdom Hall is you and how much is them. The environment is just too forced and unnatural.

    To me, the "love" is performance based.

    The more you do (according to predetermined JW standards) the more deserving you are of "love" which is really not love but a conditioned approval response.

    Its complicated isnt it? Thats what high control groups do...they legislate and re direct natural emotions and actions.

    I wonder if you might like volunteering with a group that cares for animals? A shelter of some sort?

    When I get too weary of people and their shenanigans, I find that animals refresh my soul. They have no agenda and need what we have to offer.

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