After reading for about 4 hours memorized by my affair, I sat back in my chair stunned and guilt ridden. I felt I had committed the worst offense against god, spiritual adultery. I partook of the forbidden fruit, now my eyes have been opened, I was going crazy.
Four decades of systematic indoctrination came crashing down on my conscience. There was an internal battle between decades of perceived truth and facts, between loyalty and honesty. I felt like Adam hiding myself from the sight of god ashamed, guilty and depressed. I stared off into space what seamed like hours my life playing out in segmented pieces, meeting, service, conventions, obligations, guilt, service parts my god it was all a lie! Anger! Time wasted, money spent, guilt driven life with no peace. All for what an“organization”. I read more. Slowly anger turned to depression.
I lay awake that night falling back wards like in a dream where you keep falling but I was wide awake. My mind running out of control, my whole life was based on a lie, my marriage chosen by rules, my wife captive to a ideology as myself, my chose of employment dictated to me by men who now seem like strangers, my world view on people, money, sex and life skewed.
I sure can relate to that. I'm still in shock.
I came to a stop at a light and sat there confused I looked to my right at a cemetery that I drove past hundreds of times never thought twice about it, it looked different,
I often pass cemetaries when I'm working. Seeing them sobers me up and puts me in a contemplative mood. I look at them differently now.