Hello and thanks to everyone for participating on this forum it has really been of much value, for those of you that post here know that your words are not lost you never know who is reading your expressions, lives are being changed and nonsense challenged. I’m not much of a writer so excuse my untrained writing style and grammar but I want to share my story to help anyone who is visiting here to see that we are real people, fathers, mothers, sons and daughters who have come here for answers, there is no agenda, just searching for truth. I hope my story will help others as so many here have helped me.
It’s the beginning of 2016 and I just finished reading Mrs. obfuscate story and it inspired me to tap out my own. Quite therapeutic, I must say. So, I decided to contribute to this forum after some time spent reading and thinking. There’s no need to mention everything that has brought me to this point because my story resonates in each one of you. But I will share this one thread that unraveled the fabric of my faith and changed me as a man a father a husband and as a human.
I remember being at a regional assembly 2012 and the DO Charles Wallard said “Who really is the Faithful and discreet slave”? “Do you absolutely know for sure”? “You better know! If you’re not 100% convinced you need to find out because your life depends on it. This is no small matter it is the most important question of the universe. The outcome of your finding is eternal life for you and your family or Death”.
This left such a huge impression on my mind, though I was able to put it aside it would raise its head and I would eventually have a answer. Now while I will tell you about this one experience with this young couple there were many doubts like the “generation will not pass away before the end came” was huge. Growing up I remember studying this in detail then there were the constant tweaks and then the big one overlapping nonsense, that was huge but I was the head of my family and I was determined to reinforce the levy, patch the holes with my ability to persuade. But how? When I was overcome with my own doubts. This played a critical part in my search for truth as you will see.
Reflecting back in time is funny business, I remember being out in service just the wife and I. I had a long coat and gloves on, it was a cold winter morning in 2013 we did a couple of return visits and then conclude with a bible study easy service hrs. This young couple we studied with never really asked us any question just went along with what the “Teach Book” said and what my take on it was. Well that changed that morning she had some prepared question that I would have never prepared for.
She asked “who is CT Russell and how do you view him in your religion”? I said he was a bible student who sincerely searched out truth and found Christianity lacking and from there formed a small group of sincere bible student who would eagerly study the scriptures and would reanalyze their religious beliefs and would eventually conclude on the beliefs we hold as Jehovah’s witness…something to that effect. She then asked if he “worshiped pyramids”. I was like LOL …that’s funny never heard that before, who told you that? She said “from his worshiping of pyramids he set dates and proclaimed false prophecies”. I scratch my head and looked at my wife she gave me a puzzled look and she said there are people “apostates” that are driven by hate against Jehovah’s organization and intent on destroying it with whatever means necessary. We went on a hour long apostate “defensive” rhetoric trying to undermine their accusations as Satan’s lies. Just like in the beginning I said,” he deceived eve with a serpent, today his tools are the internet and apostates.” She didn’t argue or reply just listened but her question still stood. Did he worship pyramids and set false date? I told her I would print out some info on Mr. Russell and his early history and about set dates? I knew that there were some dates set like 1914 and the 607 but that was all well researched and could be defended with facts.
There is nothing more horrible than the murder of a beautiful theory by a brutal gang of facts.
So I went home that sat afternoon and read everything I could find on my trusted Watchtower CD but there seemed to be a lot of missing pieces, a lot of gaps in the man’s life; his early upbringing, his education his early religious affiliation. There was no mention of pyramids or mistakes in dates or prophecy.
I then typed Charles Taze Russell in my browser… Walla, more information then thought possible. But apostate for sure so I decided to only view images. Intrigued by what I saw I then type CT Russell and Pyramids, That’s when my journey began, a journey through time (history of the WT) through theory and logic and truth. I found this site and JWfacts. Funny how such an inconsequential pebble tossed across the pond of life could have created such long reaching ripples.
After reading for about 4 hours memorized by my affair, I sat back in my chair stunned and guilt ridden. I felt I had committed the worst offense against god, spiritual adultery. I partook of the forbidden fruit, now my eyes have been opened, I was going crazy.
Four decades of systematic indoctrination came crashing down on my conscience. There was an internal battle between decades of perceived truth and facts, between loyalty and honesty. I felt like Adam hiding myself from the sight of god ashamed, guilty and depressed. I stared off into space what seamed like hours my life playing out in segmented pieces, meeting, service, conventions, obligations, guilt, service parts my god it was all a lie! Anger! Time wasted, money spent, guilt driven life with no peace. All for what an “organization”. I read more. Slowly anger turned to depression.
I lay awake that night falling back wards like in a dream where you keep falling but I was wide awake. My mind running out of control, my whole life was based on a lie, my marriage chosen by rules, my wife captive to a ideology as myself, my chose of employment dictated to me by men who now seem like strangers, my world view on people, money, sex and life skewed.
The next day, I had a appointment in a neighboring town about 30 min away, I came to a stop at a light and sat there confused I looked to my right at a cemetery that I drove past hundreds of times never thought twice about it, it looked different, just the dead sleeping I thought or maybe just dead. I was like in a daze. I drove past it, the thought haunted me so much that I came back and drove in. I drove all the way to the back and was amazed how large it was it was a city of headstones a city of the dead; I don’t know why I felt I needed to be here but it pulled me here. I stopped in front of a grave; mother and daughter died the same day in 1916. There were hundreds of untold stories thousands of them, there are more people that have died then are alive today. I thought of my father’s death, the comforts I felt that I would see him, talk to him, walk with him again were quickly disappearing, I wept like a child. I finally really mourned my father. I spent the rest of the afternoon there; it’s a very sobering place to think.
I will continue later
Cane