If you wish to write a letter to disconnect any theoretical attachment to the JW's, why not. You are not playing by their rules. You are making a statment that you want nothing to do with that awful organization. you don't have to use the word disassociate. I didn't. In fact I will associate with anyone I want to, as long as they also want to do so. Writing the letter was very cathartic for me, and no doubt others. In concept, "fading" works, if it's just a case of living your own life and not giving a damn if the Elders DF you, but in theory from what I see it really does not work out like that many times. Faders are always complaining about elders trying to talk to them. They might feel pressure to go to some meetnig like the memorial when a friend or relative asks them to do so. Fading is really playing by the society's rules, because it forces an individual to hide, to still be, at least in a theoretical way, members of the organization. And if they still have a thumb down on you, your are theirs.
What are the benifits of DA? Should I DA?
by zucker 37 Replies latest social relationships
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Sentinel
Hummm,
Well perhaps some think that by "disassociating", they will still have all the benefits of still being a part of things that go on socially, but will have more freedom, by not being on the MS, having any responsibilities in the congregation, service, and all those meetings. For some, that might work. I just believe that most JW's just simply won't let that happen. They continually believe that you will come back at some point; that you've just gotten weak, etc. If you are one of the fortunate ones, who they simply just ignore and let go, then great. Most aren't like that. And, most of us do have other ties, like family or close friends.
Personally, people were just asking me too many questions all the time, questioning my decisions, and it really got on my nerves. I didn't want to outright lie, and trying to word my responses was getting more and more difficult. My mother was the one who wouldn't let me be. She actually forced the issue by sending me this letter with all these questions, and asked me to answer them in writing and send it back. Being 36 did not stop my prying controlling, manipulative mother from trying to exert some power over me. I knew if I answered her questions honestly, which I did, that she would "know" that I didn't believe their doctrines any longer. She immediately began shunning me, and I was not df'd. She is shunning me now, and I've not been df'd. But the labels of disassociated and disfellowshipped are "their" labels. We don't have to accept them or wear them like a badge. It is just so difficult because a person's self-esteem is all but taken away, if we allow them to do it.
After I mailed that letter to her, I also sent a formal letter to the congregation and to the headquarters, and I asked them to remove me from their list as active, etc., etc. So, some will make their own judgement calls and treat you accordingly, whether or not something is officially announced. And, really, how can you announce before a congregation that "sister so-in-so, or brother so-in-so, who was very faithful for many years, has discovered that the JW thing is not the only way, and therefore, we must separate ourselves from them, shun them and treat them as an outcast". Well, they didn't have to say it publicly, as it went through the whole congregation and area like wildfire. I was very well known. My mother was totally humiliated and so she told everyone that I was an apostate, destined to perish. I didn't accept that label then, and I don't now.
Remember, they will only have power over you, if you allow them that power. It is our choice. Most normal human beings agree that the disfellowshipping process is morally debasing, cruel and unloving.
Whatever you decide, you have friends here to be supportive of your decision.
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Analysis
If you have family or friends that you want to maintain contact with the only choice is to do the fade.
The best way is to fade and move to another area. If you can not move, yes the Elders will stop by every couple of years. I still consider some of them to be friends, so it is not really a problem for me.
Am I any different then a person of another religion that goes to church once or twice a month? No. Most Catholics while the may admire the Pope, do not let him run their life.
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95stormfront
I just think it's an incredible display of lack of control over a person's own life to feel that they owe the WT or it's proxies, the Cheese and Cracker Men, and explanation of their activities as adults. The two stooges at your door thrive on the perceived sense of power they have over people.
Other than an act of clearing your conscious either talking to them or writing a letter will change nothing. You write a letter and they spread the word about you anyway from both the stage and in car groups. If you decide to talk to them, they are basically not there to hear anything you have to say, especially if it's negative toward the organization, they're there to spray you liberally with liquid guilt to get you back into the fold.
In writing a letter, one may sense that they are getting the last word, but the reality is that you let them get it anyway; from the stage on service meeting night. I think that you get the last word by making the decision, sticking to it, and considering the matter closed.
Write the letter, if you feel you must, but I wouldn't waste the .37 cent stamp sending it.
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La-Bellamargarita
As one who decided eventually to "just fade away" I feel the best answer to all the pain and saddness they caused me is to greet any JW I meet with a happy smile, never to get involved in a conversation with them about the "truth" and just let them see that I am happy- they cannot affect my life any longer. I get a strange sense of satisfaction from knowing how much my prestent situation must frustrate them. They love to think that once we leave the org we must feel sad, guilty and confused. I was like that to begin with, but now... why should I worry when I KNOW its not the truth! Do whatever you want to do - me I'm happy with life. I don't feel the need to make any statements to any one to justify my way of life
love to all
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ThiChi
Why do you want to keep looking over your back all the time? The reason I DA was I wanted the last word. When you are DF, the Elders get the last word and the last action.
I copied my Da letter to all my Dub friends, so they would have the real reason for my departure. Once you are gone, the Elders will lie to the flock, painting you in the worse light they can. Now, Some friends still keep in touch, and have defended me to others for the real reason(s) for my departure....
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outnfree
I would have done the slow fade if I'd been able, but a friend ratted me out, and then I felt the elders backing me in a corner to DF me. I didn't want my reputation sullied with a DF -- you know how JWs like to gossip based on NOTHING...
In writing a letter, one may sense that they are getting the last word, but the reality is that you let them get it anyway; from the stage on service meeting night. I think that you get the last word by making the decision, sticking to it, and considering the matter closed.
After I wrote my DA letter, I asked the PO to inform me when the announcement would be made. In my mind I got to make the last statement, because I was there when the announcement was read from the platform. I was sitting down front, and as soon as it was announced I walked out with an ear splitting grin on my face.
I had no family and only one close friend still in. So the DA worked for me. (Also in my DA letter I threatened legal action should the elder body slander me in any way.)
Do whatever brings finality and peace for you. I'm very content with the method of my departure.
outnfree
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be wise
Zucker,
I asked exactly the same question just the other week.
I’ve already done a slow fade out but I was thinking of cutting my ties completely because the organisation has began to disgust me [I started doing research on it. Also I learned from other posters that I wasn’t the only one who was affected in a very bad way but there were loads of others like me.
I decided not to do it after getting advice here and thinking it over. Why do it on their terms? They claim to be God’s only true organisation but they’re nothing, zilch and zero all at the same time, they just don’t want you to know it and they don’t like it when you do.
It’s like the father who thinks he can control his children and wife only on his terms, what he doesn’t realise is that when they get old enough and can think for themselves his ideals will be dropped like a hot potato and they will be out if they have any sense.
Don’t give them the satisfaction! You're not admitting defeat, you are now simply able to enjoy your life free of the WTBTS. If God exists, he still views you the same as always. Don’t be brainwashed into their way of thinking.
I'd say chew it over before making any decisions and then decide for yourself and what’s best for you.
All the best,
be wise.
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JT
In concept, "fading" works, if it's just a case of living your own life and not giving a damn if the Elders DF you, but in theory from what I see it really does not work out like that many times. Faders are always complaining about elders trying to talk to them. They might feel pressure to go to some meetnig like the memorial when a friend or relative asks them to do so. Fading is really playing by the society's rules, because it forces an individual to hide, to still be, at least in a theoretical way, members of the organization. And if they still have a thumb down on you, your are theirs.
now i fully agree if one's "Fading" consist of what you have describe above, but for me and many others- hey man, they can kiss the "Blackness* of my A$$" or if you are white insert (whiteness) smile -
Warrigal
In my opinion, and this is strictly my opinion, I feel that God will exact revenge upon an organization that hijacked his name and pretended to speak in his stead. I don't want my name written in their book when He begins the destruction. Thats why I chose to send in a DA letter. It makes it very clear that I want no part of an organization that covers up child sexual abuse with lies that hurt the victims even more.
This is a satisfying solution to me. It may not be for everyone.