Ladies and Gents.... Domestic violence!

by Theonlyoneleft 25 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Theonlyoneleft

    Domestic violence in the “tooth”... is this a thing?!

    You are starting to know me by now as I’m always full of questions... my clogs are always in motion and never stop... so another question for you to give me some guidance if you can.

    Based on pasts experience or cases you might heard of or seen, what advice could you give me in helping someone that is a Jehovah witness, married with another jw but lives a marriage that is plagued by emotional domestic abuse and financial control?

    Young children are much involved.

    How would you go about trying to open this persons eyes? 👀

    thank you in advance for any suggestions.

  • LoveUniHateExams

    Domestic violence in the “tooth”... is this a thing?! - yes it is, sadly.

    Domestic violence happens in families of all backgrounds. It happens among atheists, among religious people, etc.

    It can be men on women and women on men.

    It happens among gay couples, too.

    I don't know whether there are higher or lower level of domestic violence among JWs, or whether that even matters.

    But it's a sad and illegal thing that needs tackling.

    what advice could you give me in helping someone that is a Jehovah witness, married with another jw but lives a marriage that is plagued by emotional domestic abuse and financial control? - I'm not sure. How bad is the domestic abuse? Does it include physical abuse?

  • blondie

    I have asked jws this:

    If you saw someone on the street beat up another person, would you call police? (they say yes, they would)

    Why is a different when a close family member does that to another family member, especially a spouse or a child?

    What does it do to the children to see their parent beat up by the other parent?

    I can't say that the abused person gets the idea right away. The psychology of abuse and how people react to it are pretty much the same despite any economic, cultural, or other situations. There are many professional suggestions and places to start and ways that you can intervene online.

    Too many religions tell that wife to endure it and may be their husband will become a believer.

    1 Peter 3:1 New International Version (NIV)

    3 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won overwithout words by the behavior of their wives

    But what happens when the husband is already a jw?

    The WTS counsel always seem to assume that only a non-jw husband would do this, giving counsel such as this:

    In all cases of extreme spousal abuse, no one should put pressure on the innocent mate either to separate or to stay with the other. While mature friends and elders may offer support and Bible-based counsel, these cannot know all the details of what goes on between a husband and wife. Only Jehovah can see that. Of course, a Christian wife would not be honoring God’s marriage arrangement if she used flimsy excuses to get out of a marriage. But if an extremely dangerous situation persists, no one should criticize her if she chooses to separate.

    ---but what does the WTS consider EXTREME spousal abuse? What would be less extreme spousal abuse that must be endured? What happens to children who see and hear this abuse?

    In 2017, the WTS said this showing that an abusive jw husband could be df'd. But what if the elders use 1 Peter 3:1 to "encourage" the jw wife to stay (and they do).

    Extreme physical abuse. An abusive spouse may act so violently that the abused mate’s health and even life are in danger. If the abusive spouse is a Christian, congregation elders should investigate the charges. Fits of anger and a practice of violent behavior are grounds for disfellowshipping.​—Galatians 5:19-21.

    ---The WTS hides child sexual abuse and spousal abuse as well. Cardinal rule: We must not make the organization look bad in the eyes of the non-jw world.

  • truth_b_known

    As a police officer of over 20 years I have instructed continued education classes on investigation Domestic Violence. If one spouse is abusive to the other, the abuser if most likely abusing the children as well. ANY physical abuse should be reported immediately to the police and, if there are children in the home, contact Child Protective Services.

  • Xanthippe
    marriage that is plagued by emotional domestic abuse and financial control?

    I have a relative who suffered this for over sixty years. My advice is stand up to your partner, refuse to be controlled.

    What part of the vow to love and cherish is this?

    What part of loving your wife like Jesus loves the congregation is this might also be persuasive to a JW.

    If the abuse then becomes physical the police should be involved. That's 'subjecting yourselves to the superior authorities'.

    I am old enough to remember when men could hit their wives in the UK and the police did not interfere it was just called a 'domestic' but not a crime. It is a crime now and needs to be reported.

  • rickroll

    They need to pray more and go to the elders to read some scriptures. There fixed.

  • Diogenesister

    I think in cases of physical abuse the advice is clear cut. No one should tolerate it and there is plenty of help available although many mothers fear loosng their children if they make the authorities aware ( I'm just being honest here). And that is in western countries. In many places homelessness rears its ugly head if a wife chooses to leave.

    But in many ways the real problems arise when the abuse is more subtle, as in the case above. Financial control, psychological and emotional abuse. Shouting and name calling etc aggressive and demeaning speech.

    Without therapy people rarely change and if they are young the stress of raising a family and JW demands can bring out the worst in men who cannot cope with that stress in a healthier way. Either that or it is learnt behaviour..

  • Theonlyoneleft

    Thank you for your responses so far.

    physical abuse is not yet presiding in the home, “the odd shoving out of the way”. Who knows if this will become worse in time?

    The control is constant belittling, anger rages, ignoring ideas or pleas of help, even in case of illness.

    undermining authority within the home. Constant causing excuses to cause unnecessary stress.

    Cutting contact with the school by requesting only the abuser will be contacted in case of any school needs. So vital information is not passed on.

    keeping the mail box locked and the only person allow to access it.

    Control of finances so much that is causing hardship within the family such as feeding the children, but this person will splash on take away foods on itself, while dinner has been made and served for the entire family.

    Keeping the home cold in winter so does not pay high electricity bills. ** this really impacts the family***

    leaving the home with the kids without informing the wear abouts of the children, sometimes from morning to night.

    Etc etc....

    Elders have visited this family various times, the result is an improvement of days to go back to the abuse as normal behaviour.

    yes the submissive thing is big in this case, “submission and things will change with my actions” (I’ve been told) the victims idea of keeping things quiet....until now hasn’t worked as the other part often mentions...”are you trying to show me how better witness you can be than me?!”

    Person involved feels that needs to stay to improve the situation.

    So... in light on new details and please no judgment... how can I help?

    This person has shorten the relationship with us in fear of being judged.... I’ve been told to hold my tongue and give advice to be a better spouse and witness.

  • nonjwspouse

    She needs to document everything, with dates and times, but put any writings etc, in a safe place away from the husband. Write a diary of events, of stresses, of impacts, of the shoving etc. Maybe she can give the diarys to you, to keep safe from her husband. She needs to keep receipts as much as she can of his spending on himself.

    document document document.

    Then if she gets up the courage to have him removed from the house, even if just a separation, she will have what a judge wants to see. proof.

  • Xanthippe

    Well it's obviously a woman being abused because the elders are advising submission whereas the logical thing to do is stand up for herself.

    As she's controlled by the cultish teachings of submission to her husband no matter what kind of monster he is her mind is locked in his control by her belief system.

    You can only advise that the right thing to do for her children as a JW is follow the concept of love. Love for her children so she can stand up to the abuse having their best interests at heart. As she wont hear criticism of the elder's advice remind her she shouldn't reward unloving and perhaps 'unchristian' behaviour in her husband by submitting to his abuse.

    Good luck! Someone under this level of mind control is not going to be easy to help.

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