How To Fade Away Cleanly?

by SplaneThisToMe 33 Replies latest jw friends

  • stuckinarut2

    Welcome to our wonderful community forum!

    As you fade, ensure that you maintain your dignity, poise and grace.

    Be the same guy as you have always been. Don't play into the cliche of what an inactive person becomes.

    Be happy, be warm and friendly. But do not live under the illusion that all your "friends" will retain the same warmth toward you, or be in touch with you as much. As you fade out of their witness circle, you will be slowly ignored, then forgotten. Then the rumours will start that will malign your name and character.

    I don't say any of those things to discourage you or to be harsh. But being aware of the reality will equip you to handle the inevitable.

    Most of all as it has been well said here on the forum : THE BEST REVENGE (or answer) IS TO LIVE A HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL LIFE.

  • DesirousOfChange

    If you Splane too much to too many friends, you can bet that one of them (or worse, two of them) will run to the Elders in an attempt to "snatch you out of the fire" and "save you" from yourself.

    STFU and you may be allowed to have a successful "fade".

    Good luck! Doc

  • EverApostate

    I think your family or loved ones are not in. Whom you mention as JW friends are not friends at all. They are merely associates of WT, who would dump you mercilessly if you leave. My Experience.

    Then why bother ? Dash out and experience the freedom and joy of living without superstitions

  • ToesUp

    You don’t have to say anything. Just let them know you are fine and if you need them, you will contact them. They will eventually leave you alone. Not going to the meetings is a no no but if you don’t want to look like a apostate (even though you are) just be quiet and leave. Unfortunately you can not take your conditional friends with you. There is really no easy way to leave but you can fade quietly. We did but lost all of our so called friends. It’s ok, we are much happier out than we were in. It is sooooo worth it!

  • Stealth

    Much good advice here. You have to understand and expect that you will lose 100% of all friends and social contacts. This will be hurtful but a sad fact of leaving. They may still greet you in public places but will never be close with you again. Start making new friends now to help lesson the hurt. Don't worry about hurting them, they are the ones who choose to shun not you.

    If you don't want to get DF, don't express any of your doubts to anyone, period!

    If people ask, keep it vague, 'Dealing with personal issues, thank them and let them know you will reach out to them if needed'. If they keep pressing, and some will, just repeat that statement. 'personal issues' are just that, personal. They will get the point and stop asking.

    Enjoy the rest of your life!

  • JakeM2012

    You are depressed. You have seen a doctor, if you like. Nothing more and without any explanation. Move if you can or work out of town alot. Do not talk about the religion to anyone. Keep your mouth shut. If someone asks, say that You continue to pray, read the Bible and keep up with the latest publications and say nothing more than that. It takes very few words to ensnare yourself if you don't want to be disfellowshipped.

  • rebel8

    Does anyone have experiences like this? What were you able to say to the friends to get them to leave you alone without the potential of saying something/acting like an apostate?

    I was, sorta. I slowed down and stopped meeting attendance quickly--I don't think I did it gradually. I was a teenager and told my jw mother I refused to participate any longer.

    Because she had confiscated all my $, and I was forced to pioneer/own a 4-door car that I couldn't afford/work part time, I couldn't leave the house right away. The elders told her I needed to meet with them, so because I was going to be homeless if I didn't, I did.

    I just basically said I don't want to be a jw anymore. They tried to pin sins on me, including apostasy, but they had no evidence. They asked if I believed in the FDS anymore and I said I didn't know. I just kept repeating I won't be attending meetings or FS anymore, and didn't let them put other words into my mouth.

    They tried to get me to DA and I said no, I just won't be attending FS and meetings anymore. They dragged on the meeting and I just kept repeating the same basic statement so we had nothing to discuss. They ended the meeting and said I wasn't DFd.

    I heard from various dubs for a few months. When they visited my home and work, I said thanks for your concern but I am not interested in discussing this with you. I destroyed all mail without opening it. I moved to another territory to get away from them, which helped.

    Since then, I have suspected they DFd me later on. I ask my toxic mother if I am and she has told me both yes and no at different times. Who knows, who doesn't affect me at all now.

    Years later, sometimes I would run into a jw, and they didn't speak to me. That is perfect, because I shun them back. I don't want to be seen interacting with horrible people like that.

  • return of parakeet
    return of parakeet
    What were you able to say to the friends to get them to leave you alone without the potential of saying something/acting like an apostate?

    Can't be done. Once they get a whiff of your disbelief, you'll be dead to them anyway. Sorry, but pull off the Bandaid and get on with your life.


  • Indian Larry
    Indian Larry

    Hi "Splane"

    I was in exactly the same situation about 10 years ago. Fortunately for me two things came together that made it pretty easy for me to fade and keep all my friends.

    1. I had a problem with one of the elders, he was wrong and the rest of them knew it.

    2. I was fighting depression and anxiety (aren’t we all when we first learn that everything we had been taught from childhood was a lie)

    I did not hide the depression/anxiety. I let them know that large groups of people got me on edge. I skipped two meetings and went to one, skipped three and went to one and so on. I always went to memorial. Every now and then a family member will ask me to go to the hall with them. I don’t fight it, but they know exactly how I feel.

    We have an unspoken truce. I don’t try to convert them and they treat me as good as ever. I go to maybe two meetings a year now. Just got back from a weekend with friends that are still very “theocratic”. Had a great time. We just avoid the subject. If they bring it up, I stay noncommittal and change the subject as soon as I can.

    It has worked well for me. The hard part is not trying to tell them how wrong the org is. That was really tough in the beginning, but with time away from it all now I care less and less. They do have friends and family and if they were to leave it would be horrible. For me at least this way works.

    What will happen in the future? I don’t know, but so far so good. Just every now and then throw them a bone by going to the hall with them. At least now that everybody is using ipads/iphones you can just read a book to kill time during the meeting.

    That is how I personally faded away cleanly. I have now been out so long that I am really at minimal risk for being DF’d since I am not considered part of the congregation any longer. I went to a funeral recently and saw a lot of the old congregation. Everyone was nice, friendly and no pressure at all.

  • krismalone

    Technically speaking, you won't be dfd for having different beliefs or for disagreeing with the GB... AS LONG AS YOU KEEP THOSE BELIEFS TO YOURSELF!!! (Proclaimers p. 628)

    The moment you discusss your new beliefs with anyone in the WT cult, you are "causing divisions" and will be dfd. JW facts had a c.o. write to the branch about him (Paul Grundy) and the C.O. wrote that disbelief is not a dfing offense. A former D.O. from Australia, that stopped believing in the bible and became inactive was never dfd because he never spoke to others about his beliefs or better said he never spoke bad about the WT corporation (he had posted here yrs ago).

    If you really want to irritate the elders, just fade .....that way they cannot label you a mentally diseased apostate. Just stop going to meetings and stop knocking on empty doors. If anyone asks, just tell them you cannot discuss it as you will be dfd. Another option, although somewhat risky is to tell those asking that you are waiting to see if the GB will turn in the pedophile database and apologize for protecting child molesters before you return to the KH and knocking on empty doors. You can also say I'm waiting for the GB to change the belief about..........(you fill in the blank)

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