Please help me save my marriage - URGENT

by happyout 27 Replies latest social relationships

  • blackout

    I think the most important question to ask yourself is

    Do you love him?


    Is there more good than bad in the relationship?

    If you love him and there is more good than bad it is a relationship worth working at. Dont give up too easy. Going by what you have said of him, my husband should leave me because our relationship is the same as you have described but the other way around.

    We do have good communication though and that is the key, you must talk about how you feel, but dont blame him, say things like, when this happens I feel like this....

    That way he wont get his back up over accusations but will understand how you feel. Also just deal with one issue at a time, or he will feel picked on.

    It is worth saving your marriage for your child if there is more good than bad and you still love him.

  • jgnat

    When my daughter has trouble making a decision, I make her take a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle, and write "Pro" and "Con" on the top. Write down all the reasons to stay or leave on the piece of paper. Does the answer pop out at you? There you go.

    Often, knowing what the right thing to do is not the problem, it is "how in the heck do I do it without...feeling guilty, hurting his/her feelings, costing me anything, getting slapped around..etc. etc." The brutal truth is that life-changing moves do cost us something. What we are really avoiding is facing the full consequences of the decision. So, I suggest you do some imagining about how your life could be in five years or so, and ask yourself a couple of questions.

    What are the potential consequences if I stay? Would I and my family be better off or worse?

    What are the consequences if I leave? Would I and my family be better off or worse?

    If you ended up doing all the work, by the way, it was with your permission. A very simple solution is to go on strike. Stop for dinner before you get home. If you don't want to do laundry any more, walk away from it. Be prepared for the consequences, of course. I think you have acquiesced to his poor behavior because that is easier than fighting it out.

  • blackout

    I just reread your post and something else comes across from it to me,

    You need to CARE for yourself. Give yourself some time off, take a short holiday, just one night if you want to, go to a resort or health spa. Get a baby sitter for the weekend if you need to. Also sometimes say, Im not cooking or doing housework today. Buy takeaway and let the dishes sit for one day, it wont hurt anyone. Then go take a bath with nice smelly bath salts.

    These are things you NEED to do for yourself, its import to tell yourself that YOU matter.

    Hope this helps and it works out for you.

  • Mulan

    I don't know how you put up with that. I am an agressive person, who says what's on her mind, and my husband would hear about this plenty!! I would "lay down the law" just like he would, if it were reversed.

    When our son married a pioneer, my husband said he hoped she didn't expect our son to make dinner and clean the house when all she did all day was go out in service. I blew my top over that comment, and said he had no freedom of speech on that subject since he had never been a regular pioneer, and had no idea how tired you are. It may not be a real job, but it's work. He apologized, and at the time he was an elder, and very controlling in our home. Things are more balanced now, and much nicer.

    Anyway, communicate how you feel..............that's my advice. If he won't change, you are the only one you can change. Counseling is a great suggestion. I second that idea.

  • SPAZnik

    So you want to save a marriage in which you are afraid to tell your mate what you just told us?

    Ok. Well, it seems to me that before you can save your marriage, you need to save yourself.

    I recently read a fantastic book that just might help you.
    "Always Change a Losing Game" by David Posen, MD.

    I am in total agreement with the idea of seeking counselling for yourself, regardless of whether or not your mate is game.


  • happyout

    You have all given me a lot to think about. I re-read my original post, and I do come across as a bit mousy, afraid to speak up for myself. That only applies with my husband, with everyone else I lay down the law (always nicely, though). There is literally no one else that walks over me, including my boss. I don't know what it is about my husband that intimidates me so, and I believe counseling may be the best way to find out.

    Also, to kind of expand a bit. My husband is a "nice guy". He is usually soft spoken, and well liked by everyone. I would bet most people who know us think I run the relationship, because it appears that I have the stronger personality. And yes, I am apparently letting him call all the shots in our marriage, and that needs to change.

    Also, to the best of my knowledge, he has not been unfaithful to me since before we were married. I now have reason to doubt how long he was faithful before we were married, but none to doubt since the wedding.

    Blackout - great question "do you still love him?" I can't honestly say I am still in love. But, I also can't say I don't love him anymore. I just know that I feel hurt and angry every single day when I come home. I don't feel like he loves me, otherwise why would he let / make me work so hard without helping?

    I grew up watching a very similar situation with my parents, and always promised myself it would never happen to me. That's why I talked about sharing so much when we were dating. There is a good chance that it's something I'm doing that has created the situation or at least kept it going in this manner, and I need to stop doing whatever that is. I have tried the "I'm on strike" thing, and what happens is the dishes sit for days (I've let it go for almost a week a few times), the laundry does not get done, my son eats take out, etc. That tactic does not work with him. I can't change him, you are correct, ThiChi, he has to decide that he wants to change and then do it. He has made promises in the past, and has even helped out, but it never lasts more than two weeks. Then he brings up those two weeks over and over, as though he has earned a break from all the hard work.

    I just don't think it should be this hard. I know marriage is difficult, and I am willing to work through things, but I can't do it alone, and he doesn't appear to believe he needs to change. He says my complaining about housework is "petty" and that there are people in the world with "real problems". I think if I am not happy, that is a "real problem" but it does not appear to rate in his book.

    Anyway, I have to go for the evening, but thanks again to everyone for your advice. I can't tell you how much it means to have you all to "talk" to and get support from.


  • Francois

    What a situation.

    First there are worse things than your children being raised in a broken home. They could continue to be raised in a totally dysfuctional home, like now, and REALLY be bent by the time the're adults. Look at me, for instance. My mother should have gotten rid of my abusive, dysfunctional father by the time I hit the first grade. But nooooooo. She kept us right there in that nut house with the Chief Nut, and is still with him. And I haven't spoken to either one of them in years.

    I left my marriage which had two children, and my daughter (30 years old now) says that I did the right thing. She knew at four or five that her parents fought all the time, and it made her very sad. Of course, I was always there for my kids. I didn't disappear on them, or abandon them financially or anything. But I durn sure got rid of their mother.

    Secondly, don't make a lot of assumptions about what will happen when your case is adjudicated. The judge will decide what your husband can afford and the court can and will enforce its orders. It's very common for women in divorce to make assumptions about what their husbands will be able to do financially. Not a good idea.

    Suggest you see an attorney, one of those whose initial consultation is free. Get him/her to give you an overview of the law in your state so that you will have a more realistic idea of what you're dealing with. Right now, you must admit, you're really shooting in the dark. Best to have GOOD DATA. You don't have that now. But in these kinds of situations, there's no substitute for factual information about what you can expect. And in general what you can expect being the mother of two children is that you will be holding ALL the cards. Every one of them.


  • LB

    Have you given your husband a reason to change? Does he realize that you are this unhappy? Does he realize that you are ready to walk? If he already knows this then the only option is counseling. My wife was mousy when I married her. After a short time I wasn't sure if I wanted to really be with her. I wanted her to stand her ground. I like a strong woman much more and I think a secure man always does.

    Personally I think Francois has give you good advice about the legal aspects. You need to know exactly where you stand legally.

    I also wonder just why you really want to save the marriage? You are supporting him. Doing the majority of the chores and seem very unhappy. Circle a date on the calender and if it's not right by then, get out.

  • ugg

    ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( happyout )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    no words of advice.....just know i am thinking of you and your situation!!!

  • Pepper

    Hell sakes divorce him, my wife did and caused all kinds of hurt and pain to our kids, they still are not over it and its been five years. Who ever told you marriage was easy, get a life for hell sakes, you know dam right its better to stay together unless he is going out on you and can't keep his carrot in his pants. Pepper

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