Please help me save my marriage - URGENT

by happyout 27 Replies latest social relationships

  • outnfree


    Maybe your kids have still not gotten over it because of the palpable hostility you are still displaying at the fact that your wife DID divorce you. Marriage isn't easy. Neither is life. But kids of divorce always do much better if the ex-es put the kids FIRST and stifle their own hard feelings. Grow up.


    I come from a family where the women stifle their feelings and grumble to themselves or mutter their complaints under their breath in the next room. (Honest, Pepper!) It makes for a very negative atmosphere. We are very poor at forthrightly expressing our hurts and needs. Unfortunately, I see us in you. Counseling will help you to take the plunge into describing just what you feel to be unfair behavior to your husband. His reaction will be the key to your eventual decision. I wish you the best possible outcome.


  • shera


    I don't really have any words of advice but I really do feel for you.You are going to crash one of these days if things don't change,hope you get some time to rest and relax very soon.Sorry if I sound so negitive....

  • WildHorses
    Happyout said: There is literally no one else that walks over me, including my boss. I don't know what it is about my husband that intimidates me so

    I know why because I have been there myself. You fear being alone. One thing I have learned though is that I am more than happy to be alone than to be with a control freak as was my first husband. When I was with him, I wasn't ALLOWED to go to the grocery store without him.

    I thought if I kept talking to him about how I felt and assuring him that he had nothing to worry about as far as my cheating on him, that it would help and change things. It didn't, and I found out the reason he was so controlling and jealous was because he was the one doing the cheating. After six years of his controlling and then finding out he cheated, I finally left him. I did the right thing. I hope you do what you feel is right for you too.


  • COMF

    Happyout, you have some serious self-worth issues going on. You need to get counseling to figure out why you would want to save a marriage to a self-centered asshole who treats you like crap.

    About the mortgage... why do you assume he would get the house? Kick his sorry ass out and let him start working on grasping the concept that he alone is responsible for his wellbeing.

  • happyout


    Pepper - I totally disagree that it's always better to stay married, because children can learn very negative things in an unhealthy household. I did. My son definitely comes first, if it wasn't for him, I would already have left. But I don't want him to have a warped idea of marriage, that may translate to his marriage being as unhappy as mine is right now. I also don't want him to have a mom who starts to lose patience with him because she is miserable. I am happy to say I have never yelled at my son, or disciplined him in anger. I want to keep it that way.

    Comf - I don't think my husband would "get the house" so much as I think he will refuse to leave. Even though he can't pay the mortgage without me, he considers it "his" house, and it would most likely take a court order to get him out. That would get pretty ugly, I want to avoid as much ugliness as I can if we decide we can't stay together.

    I am currently looking for a counselor, and I agree, I have some internal issues to deal with. I want to make sure the "real" problem is not mostly with me before I give up on my marriage. I don't think it's fear of being alone, I actually enjoy being by myself. There's a song with a line that says "Nothing hurts as bad as when you see/ You gave up too easily" and I want to make sure I don't do that.

    I really appreciate the time and replies, the hugs, the encouragement from everyone. Words can't express it. I promise to keep you updated, but I won't bore you with a day to day blow by blow. Just know that I am working through this with your support.


  • basics-for-me

    I am so sorry to read your story. I don't have much in the way of advice to offer. However I'd like to comment on the list of "faults" you belive you have. In my opinion those "faults" are merely symptoms of the lifestyle that you have allowed yourself to be subject to.

    You do have options. Somebody made the suggestion of going into counselling alone, if he won't co-operate. I think that may be a good idea. If you can't solve your marriage difficulties them maby you could work on your low self-esteem. Then you would be in a better position to "see the wood from the trees".

    Hope you find some answers


  • asleif_dufansdottir

    you know dam right its better to stay together unless he is going out on you and can't keep his carrot in his pants

    Wrong. There are many other ways to be an abusive spouse other than have sex with other people. The idea that the only reason to get a divorce is sexual infidelity is a JW one.

  • LDH

    Ummm ....I'm wondering why you want to save a marriage this bad.

    I mean REALLY. If my husband was one-tenth as bad as you say yours is, the you say? Negro would be out the front door.



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