Have You Ever Considered Suicide? Have You Ever Thought Of Just Not Living

by minimus 44 Replies latest jw friends

  • DanTheMan

    I made a couple of really lame attempts as a teenager, sliced my wrist one time and another time I swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills.

    As a Joho I often thought about it, but I didn't want to "bring reproach" so I just kept trudging along, hoping that someday the negative feelings would go away and I'd be a super-JW like the people whose life experiences are told in the mags. Never happened!!

    This past year has been especially hard, always wondering every time I see the news if maybe I blew it and I'm gonna die. I suffer from a tremendous, sometimes unbearable amount of existential "why am I here/what the hell is the point of it all" angst. I probably should be on anti-depressants, but I'm too stubborn. Plus, I lack social skills, I don't make friends easily, and I don't do well with the girls even though I'm OK looking. There is a lot about human relationships that sorta mystifies me, this is depressing sometimes.

    This is turning into a long post, oh well. You know, the ironic thing is that my fear of death is one of the things that makes me contemplate suicide! I fear so much having my life taken by somebody else, either in an act of war or crime or something. I feel such a need to have everything in control, so I would rather take my own life than have someone else do it. I hate you Osama, you have brought untold anxiety to my life you bearded fundy weirdo!

  • animal

    I spent the better part of my adult life walking a fine line between life and death.... taking unnessisary chances. I guess I was meant to live. I never did anything tho with the thought of dying.


  • oldcrowwoman

    yeah I was pretty close like riding on the edge. towards the end of the marrige. My ex-husband was out of control with his manic-depression and experiencing psychotic eposides. The domestic violence had escolated. My spirit was pretty battered. Remember coming back from my grandmother s in the car with the family. I asked god just do me in. This is'nt the way life should be lived. Neither that put me in the mental hospital and I would sit making baskets. Nobody knew what was going on in our family. Abuser keeps one pretty isolated. You feel like the one thats going crazy. Who would believe these things were happening????

    My 5 yr old daughter said Mom why don't you find a apartment Kori and I will come to live with you. She gave me the gift I did find a apt. for the 3 of us. I moved out with clothes,their bed and dresser. I did'nt have much in material.belongings. At the time it was'nt important. All I wanted was to get my sanity back and have some kind of normalcy. I relished my freedom from abuse. And 20 yrs later the feelings of freedom is acknowledge everytime when I walk through the door in my apt.

    I've walk through some dark places over time. Thought about ending it. But I never had a plan. I don't consider it a option at present.

    It's interesting My therapist told me if I stayed in the marriage. I would be not be alive.

    I am grateful to be where I am today. I appreciated this forum and people here. I am glad I made the connection. To the break the silence. For everytime I share a part of my story healing goes on.

    thanks for listening. All the Best, OCW


    I have felt suicidal several times in my life . . .

    Nine years of therapy . . . one divorce later . . . and leaving the jws has helped me greatly to have a healthier perspective on my life.

    When I feel sad and upset now, I just remember that the "reason" just isn't worth dying for.

    The sadness or whatever negativity that caused the pain soon passes, and I feel my joy returning. I love living and feeling wonderful! There is no better feeling in the world than happiness! Also I remind myself that feeling happy is the best revenge for whatever problem that came my way!!

    Life is just not that complicated any more for me.


  • Mac

    No, never even entertained the thought..........for me, suicide is not an option.

    I have, however, twice escorted a close family member to the emergency ward......once applying pressure to 2 bleeding wrists and another time to have their stomach pumped after receiving a desperate, barely coherent phone call in the early morning hours.


  • LyinEyes

    My heart breaks at all of your stories........I am so glad we have all found this place of healing . It is so encouraging to see so many people who were able to have a second chance at life.

    Mac, I too,had to escort my mom to the hospital for so many overdoses and stomach pumpings I lost count. Alot of her attempts were just cries for help....some even accidents. But in the end, she made it work the last time. I always thought she was like a cat with 9 lives,,,,,,,,but she ran out of lives, I had a hard time accepting that, when she was really gone, that it wasnt just another bad dream, like all the times before.

    Billygoat ,,,,,,,,I just want to hug you so much right now. I know what you mean about embracing that little girl you once were.....my dad was alot like yours,,,,,He whipped me so hard,,,,,,I had marks and had to learn to be clever in hiding them.

    I remember when I was about 17, I thought of driving my car over the bridge railing into the Red River. I was so tired of fear ,,,,,fear of my dad and being stuck at home , since I was about to graduate. He had my life planned out to the tee,,,,,, I would work full time for him and I had no freedom, unless I did things behind his back. Even innocent things I did,,,,,,, I felt guilty for being deceptive to him. I knew I wouldnt make it thru Armeggedon, I was sure Jehovah didnt approve of me, my mom was in real bad shape at this time too. I truly felt hopeless.

    Thank God, I found my husband and stood up to my dad on being with Denny for the rest of my life.

    A year later my mom jumped from that bridge I had thought of driving over......

    I have been in some very dark places in my life,,,,,,,,,there are reasons for why I got so depressed, and then there were times there seemed to be no good reason at all.

    I had my first child at 20 , and when I had that first baby,,,,,,, I always fought to not have the suicidal feelings, but I did sometimes just want a long rest. Just like my mom used to say. I did everything to get myself out of the depressions , I read up on it, took meds, wrote in my journal, and I made it thru them. I guess I can say I never really wanted to die, because I had so much to live for, I knew what it felt like to be motherless. I could in no way put my kids thru that,,,,,,,but I sincerely believe that there were times I was so numb I just went thru the daily motions of life. I have always had Denny to help me thru the dark times, and since I have left the borg,,,,,,,, I have a different outlook on so many things. I too fight depression and moods,,,,,,,, I probably always will.

  • songmistress

    I used to think I was not suicidal, that I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I felt that way alot. Then as some of you may know, I made a half hearted attempt this past September which changed the way I view the whole issue. While I discovered suicide is a difficult thing to do, it is not an impossibility. I find that under certain conditions, the temptaion is there.

    When I am very tired and overwhelmed, all my defence mechanisms break down. I am currently fighting the same battle. Nothing seems to change things for too long. I have been on a variety of meds. I have been in therapy for the past 7 years. I have alot of insight into just what is wrong, but I can say, oftentimes it doesn't make much difference knowing what is wrong. I have to give enough of a crap about living to get off my ass and live life. But I have discovered the truth of the statement, "The more things change, the more they stay the same."


  • CC Ryder
    CC Ryder

    I had on occasions in my previous marriage back 10 years or so. I was not happy. When I look back it was a combination of the pressure the WTS puts on you (meetings,service,study,,blah,blah) and the fact that my pioneer wife was very unbalanced and was way overboard on the whole JW thing. I felt trapped. She told me at least once a week she was not in love with me, felt like she was tormented and had not said the words "I Love You" to me for at least 8 years proir to our divorce. I knew she had romantic feelings for a MS in another cong and was seeing him secretly. I remember being so down once that it was almost over whelming enough to go through with it. At the point I was ready to do it, thoughts of my parents and sister being devistated by my death helped to snap me out of it. When we decided to get divorced I began to feel the pressure come off of me. I have never had such strong feelings and thoughts since. I have however felt "tired out" to the point of wishing I would not wake up from sleep. A new day always brings new experiences, good or bad. I try to concentrate on keeping a positive attitude, which has been working great so far.

    Fast forward to present day. From my time being married to Tink and going through her Dad's suicide a month after we were married (Oct 1996), I've learned even more so the utter devistation a suicide has on those who survive the suicide. A survivor of suicide will never be the same, they are changed forever. What helped to save Tink was that I found a group of Survivors of Suicide here in Nashville and accompanied Tink for almost two years to meetings. It is the best thing for families or friends of those who completed suicide to be able to relate to others in the same situation. Many survivors feel they are Pre-dispositioned to doing the same thing their relatives did, but when you relate with others and see that your not alone in your pain, it helps you heal. At first the meetings were very tough to go to. The number of those who lost loved ones to suicide is staggering. Every week we would see two, three, sometimes four new faces who had just experienced their loved ones suicide.

    We now go once or twice a year, usually around the anniversary of her Dads death or on Fathers Day. From the experience I have with Tink, I now more than ever, would never feel suicide was an answer of relieving stress and anguish all of us go through in life. If anyone contimplates suicide, they need to invision the greif they will bring to those that survive them. I know in my case that has helped me back away from doing a very perminent thing. It's perminent by removing yourself from this life, and bringing a perminent change in the lives of those who survive.

    I know that some have depression so severe that if untreated they may get to the point of stopping their pain by ending their life. I wish all in this situation had the help from professionals to cope and live on. This is a very hard subject to talk about. Suicide has a great stigma attached to it. Those who have lost loved ones to suicide know what I'm refering to. It becomes a very large elephant that everyone never talks about, it just hangs there. We have written to some talk shows to see if they would consider doing a show on survivors of suicide. After many, many attempts we have never gotten a response.

    This is a good thread Minimus, tough subject but a good thread.


  • mouthy

    When I was 16 found I was pregnant- I drove my bike into a bus- I was so afraid to tell my Mum & Dad I was- but I dented the bus!!!( that was it) Then when I was in the hospital after losing that child when she was 3 days old -I thought of it again...But it passed. Then when I was married & being bashed for being a JW-I wanted to so much to do it- but I did not want to bring shame on Jehovahs name( right)Now since I have lost my daughter Annmarie to the WT.My Melanie to death( cancer) Alan my son to death ( heart attack) my husband ( cancer)I often think of it- But know I couldnt let others find me,,It would bother them for the rest of their lives. I do ask the LORD to let me go "HOME" nightly.I do ask not to suffer for a long time - Just a quick death.....I always thought I am just no good.......But since leaving the WT. I have found I "aint" so bad. I have loads of friends -who say they need me!!( that helps)I think it is a cruel thing to do..My 12 year old grand-daughter ( she was 12 at the time) visited Niagara Falls with the school one day- & as they were standing looking at the falls. A man got up right next to her on the rails & jumped over----It devasted her. She hates N.Falls to this day.Also when I was a JW the man next door wanted me to go in & talk to him about what I believed ( He always used to mock me in front of the rest of the neighbours)I said No( didnt want to give the apperance of evil ) BS... He hung himself that day!!!!If you dont think that bothers me!!!!DOES!


    You know, when I read many of your stories on here (my fellow posters), I sometimes have to stop, scroll up, and re-read what some of you have written. I am flabberghasted, but in a kind way.

    When I look back to my early days, growing up in a military family, and having four younger brothers and one sister, and a very tired Mom, as a child, I thought nothing could ever go wrong. Being a child was like being in a make-believe world, almost every day.

    I loved living on the army base as a kid. I had loads of friends, and it was a pleasant experience. Then in March 1967, while walking with my Mom and my sister, we were hit by a drunk driver. My sister died a couple of days later. Do I remember the incident: absolutely. The images, almost 35 years later, still remain. My mother, I don't think she ever got over that.

    We moved around quite a bit, as you can imagine, that's military living for you. My father was not around much, just to give out discipline (which we always got loads of) and to drink beer, watch Hockey Night In Canada, pass out. He was not alot of fun. Trying to win his approval was futile.

    I remember when I was about 9 years old, we all of a sudden had to move out of the army base and the residence where we were living. My father had been discharged from the army and the circumstances, were not very good. We had to basically find some form of shelter, and find it fast.

    My world as I knew it, was becoming tenuous. My safety nets were being removed. I felt naked and vulnerable.

    We moved to a tiny remote rural community. One road in and one road out. We weren't from the community, and it was very close knit, and not the most welcoming place if you are not from the area, or the province. We moved into an old abandoned house. It had NO running water, no toilet, no electricity and it really was a: DUMP.

    Somehow my father and some of his former army buddies, helped spruce the place up, but there wasn't much that could be done. We moved in, and it was summer (thankfully). I attended school in the new community. I was a novelty, for about 1 week, then the misery of bullying and shunning (geez...do you think this was a foreshadow of things to come?). It was hell. I wanted to kill myself...yes, even at 10 years of age. I wanted to die, because I could not understand why I was being treated the way I was, and why our living conditions were so pathetic and substandard. It was so embarrassing. Everyone knew what our living conditions were like.

    Years of torture at school, no friends and really no peer support whatsoever. I dreaded school 24/7. I loved holidays, weekends and summer. No school, no bullying and no abuse.

    As my teenage years came into view, I was dealing with the changes, but not knowing what the heck was going on with me. Being the eldest in the family, of course, I had to be the one to go through puberty with four annoying younger brothers. I was not understanding my body, and it was causing me grief. I wanted to die then. It all seemed like it was just me going through all this. Nobody else.

    One night, I was bored and very nosey, and I found a perscription for pills. I didn't know what they were, but I remember taking 1. It didn't really do anything, but I remember taking a few more.....and then I threw up! I was so down in the dumps. I think I was 13 at the time.

    Visiting a neighbour a few homes away, I happened to be there when the Jehovah's Witnesses dropped by. Being easily impressed and naive, I was attracted to their friendliness. I was probably 14. My neighbour had been a Dub before, and they were visiting to try to get them to go to the meetings again. I was invited, but I was too afraid to go.

    Eventually, I did go, and eventually, I was introduced to a brother, and was offered a bible study, and well...the rest is history.

    Cut to the chase. Post-JW - I am 21. Having been a Dub for almost 7- 8 years, knowing what had been drummed into my head, I have to admit, I contemplated SUICIDE many times. After being a JW you are conditioned to feel worthless and without hope.

    I remember after I left, that if I heard that comment about 'true peace and security' etc., that I would end it. Afterall, if I'm going down to the second death, I don't want to have to go through any nasty Armageddon. No thanks! So I was ready to end it. Doing it on my own terms and in my own non-violent way. But as time went on, and I was months away from the Borg - then a year - then two - then three - then ten, it became easier, and I began to feel better about myself. I wanted to LIVE again.

    BUT...finding other XJWs - man oh man...did that ever help. NO longer did I feel alone. I felt like finally, someone could understand where I was coming from.

    As I read all the other posts, I guess we've all felt depressed and down. No doubt exaserbated by having been a JW. No kidding. The doom & gloom cult can really work a number on your brain.

    Thanks for everyones honest forthright posts. Doesn't have to be a long winded thing like what I've just posted, but a few words can do it too. Makes you feel like you belong, and gives you a sense of comradery.

    Many thanks from Rayzorblade.

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