Have You Ever Considered Suicide? Have You Ever Thought Of Just Not Living

by minimus 44 Replies latest jw friends

  • Swan

    Yes, many times. I was nine years old when I first had those thoughts. We had just made a major move and my life was full of changes. I was very depressed and homesick. I had also come to the realization of of the changes that growing up would bring, and I was afraid . I thought it would be so nice to be like Peter Pan and never grow up. Death seemed a sure way of avoiding that and escaping my unhappiness at the same time.

    Now, with treatment, I seldom have suicidal thoughts. I always have to be on guard, however. I have to take my anti-depressants regularly and consult with my doctor to make sure I am taking the right dosages.


  • Billygoat

    I think the first time I thought about suicide was when I was about 11 or 12. My single father who'd had custody of me for years, had remarried and had twin boys within 11 months. All of a sudden, the sweet little only child (me), was frantically trying to get some attention from a father that was never home. I rebelled by mouthing off, swearing, getting into trouble at school, etc. Dad came increasingly abusive about then, not knowing how to handle the stress of being a Ministerial Servant, a new husband, with a rebelling teenager, etc. He'd beat the tar out of me for disciplining me as well as for taking out his aggression. I was always required to be naked during those "spankings". That was until I was 16 years old. At one point I was beaten so badly that blood was coming out of the whip marks on my back, bottom, and legs from his leather belt. I remember thinking at that point that the whole family would be better off if I were dead. It's a grim thought for a little girl to have. I still cry for her.

    I struggled with suicidal thoughts for years after that. They increased triple-fold when I was disfellowshipped. I had no God, no religion, no family, no friends. What was there to live for??? I attempted it twice, both unsuccessful due to the very loving "worldly" friends I had around me. Once unbeknownst to me, a nurse in the mental ward I was at, was a JW. She called my step-mother and dad to tell me I was checked in to have my stomach pumped from overdosing on sleeping pills. Did they come visit? No. Did they even call? No. I didn't even find out until years later that they even knew I was there. When my step-mom told me she knew I'd attempted suicide, I wished she hadn't told me. I couldn't bear the fact that they wouldn't come see how I was. It put me into another depressive spiral.

    I attempted again about three years ago. Within a period of 10 days I was laid off from work, broke up with my then boyfriend, and found out I needed emergency lung surgery when I had no insurance. (They thought it was cancer.) I was about to attempt again with pain pills and vodka, only to have the phone ring. It was 11:45 pm. Who was calling me that late? It was my Sunday School teacher just checking on me. He didn't have a good feeling about me and wanted to see how I was. He stayed on his cell phone with me until he had driven to my house to be with me. He helped me pack a bag and my pillow and took me back to his and his wife's home. His wife was standing in her bathrobe at the front door when we arrived. It was near 1:30 am by then. They somehow knew something was wrong with me and just called out of the blue to see if they could help. The next day they helped me get to a doctor and I stayed with them for several weeks just so I wasn't alone all the time. I have no question it was divine intervention.

    It wasn't until about 3 years ago that I experienced a reprieve from those thoughts. I still struggle with depression, especially during stressful times (wedding, unemployment, etc.), but at least now I know the triggers. And I have tools to get me out of the situations that trigger the spiral. It can be very, very scary. But the peace that death would bring is always so welcoming whenever I've been depressed. So yes, I've considered suicide. And yes, just not living has been very appealing to me in the past.

    For those of you who have lost loved ones to suicide I may have some things to help you. If your loved one has tragically caused their own death, it's because of what Big Tex said earlier. They probably didn't really want to die. They just didn't know how else to get the pain out of their hearts. They haven't been equipped with the right coping skills to handle whatever is causing their heartache. And the pain is VERY REAL. And it is VERY DEEP. Most suicidal people do not allow themselves to think of the devastation they would leave in their wake. They HONESTLY think their loved ones would be better off without them. Yes, it would be painful, but they are so much stronger than me and they'll get over it. That's what I thought anyway. Suicide. It gets rid of the pain for ME and the people I love. How can I go wrong?

    These are just my opinions, but I am firm in them. I think I will have to deal with depression off and on the rest of my life. But at least now I have the tools to not let it slide into suicidal thoughts.

    I thank God today that I have Him to help me through the dark times. And I think He uses people around me as tools to heal my heart. My dear, dear husband. My best friends Elisa and Casey. My other friends at church. My husband's family. People I've met here like Megadude. I am so grateful for all of them. And I'm grateful that my new God is so loving as well.

    Sorry for the ramblings. I'm just very passionate about those who experience depression and suicidal thoughts.



  • BluesBrother

    I am sssssooooooo sorry to read of the sad stories of the good people hear on the board, people that I have to view as friends . I just happy that you have through o k . Have I considered it ? Yes , although with not as much cause as some of you. and only a consideration of the idea, not a plan.

    Thank God we are still here . You are benefitting others enormously.

  • Francois


    Well. The people who go through with their suicidal ideation don't seem to share this thought. I know that I did not when I was suicidal about 25 years ago. I did not apprciate any living until the depression and anxiety was long gone.

    The days I spent in depression and anxiety were absolutely not worth living. I don't think I could do that again.


  • Francois


    I was losing the LOML - The love of my life. And it was my fault.


  • Valis

    Yes a couple of times, but when I look back women and the cops are just not a good enough reason to kill yourself...so my best friend made me sign a suicide contract where if I ever thought of doing it again I would at least come and tell him first...I've stuck to that, but never had to exercise that promise...I don't think I could ever contemplate such a thing now, except if I was terminally ill and in lots of pain or costing others lots of money just to keep me breathing.


    District Overbeer

  • minimus

    The reality is EVERYDAY IS WORTH LIVING. Of course, when a person is suicidal or extremely depressed, they might not appreciate those words.But after weathering those storms, the struggle can be rewarding. I, for one, am glad that all of you here continue to weather the storm and share your feelings.

  • joannadandy

    I remember being in fourth grade...FOURTH GRADE, and wanting to kill myself. I even have the little diary entry still that says and I quote "I want to be dead. I wish I could do it. I don't care if Jehovah resurrects me or not, I don't deserve to live in paradise anyway"...ahh such a sweet little child.

    When I was 16 it was another very bad year. My best friend was killed by a drunk driver...that same week his friend raped me, and I had an eating disorder. I was fighting with my parents about God. I was watching all my witness friends get high and get laid, and I was miserable because they were fine examples in the congregation and I was bad association because I was in the school plays.

    So I decided when my parents went out of town for the weekend to drink some vodka and take some sleeping pills. THere is nothing worse than waking up 32 hours later pissed off in the realization that you didn't make it...you're a failure and can't even do sucide right, and that Hollywood lies because that is not a workable suicide plan. I think I ended up crying for a long time.

    I'm not sure why I never tried again. Probably because that was the absolute worst my life ever was and I survived.

  • obiwan

    I did and sometimes still do, it mostly comes from the agony of losing friends and family and knowing that I'm pretty much alone. I know I won't be there when my father dies, I lost the only true love I feel I'll ever have because of the dub's and my conscience to "do the right thing" instead of following my heart. I could go on about the reasons to do it but there are two reasons why I don't one being that onlt quitters take the easy way out and I'm not a quitter and two the thought of my mother,she has been dead for a while but I know the sorrow it would bring her if she were here and that feeling stops me.

  • Billygoat
    But after weathering those storms, the struggle can be rewarding.

    That is so true. But you don't realize it until you're far away from it. I've just recently pulled out of a pretty bad depressive state. And I'm feeling really good now because I've realized some new tools to get MYSELF out of it...BEFORE the depression spirals too far. I really feel my faith in God gets strengthened during those times. And now that I'm out of them, I'm thankful for them. They make me who I am today. More compassionate, more loving, kinder, more willing to make myself transparent to others in need. I think there is a divine purpose in where I've come from and the pain I've experienced. God willing someday I can help someone else going through a similar situation .

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