HELP!!! Hubby turning home into 'Book Study'

by Skeptically Yours 40 Replies latest jw friends

  • Mum

    I concur with blondie. Otherwise, come down with an illness like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Epstein-Barr virus or clinical depression that keeps you from being fully functional.

    In any case, I wish you the best and do not envy you.


  • moreisbetter

    Please don't say your a bit spineless. thats telling yourself to stay down there where the JWs think all good little JW wives ought to be. You have a lot of strength. Your here aren't you?

    If your husband will not listen to your needs & concerns and proceeds with opening up your home, to these people, invading your space, then by all means let him do all the work. IMO, Blondie gave some very good suggestions, especially regarding the pre & post meeting socializing. Don't feel like you have to be hostess, you don't owe them anything.

    We had the book study in our home for a short time. I was very young with a baby & 2 preschoolers at the time & our house was small. I didn't attend half the meetings because I was always "busy" with the baby. We would go to the bedroom and watch TV. (The book study was always my least favorite meeting) We didn't have the study there for very long.

    Take a deep breath and take it one day at a time. My thoughts are with you.

    Take care, Theresa

  • ugg

    that is just awful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just tell him you will not attend as you cannot stand the pressuree,,and you will just stay in the bedroom.....GOOD LUCK!!!

  • RevMalk

    You could burn your house down and move into a hotel :)

  • A Paduan
    A Paduan

    You could say that you'd prefer not to have such a stink of evil lies told in your house - maybe that'd get the point across.

  • jimbob

    Blondie wrote:

    I guarantee after a couple of complaints about the dirtiness of the house, that it will most likely be moved.

    I hate to say this isn't always true. My in-laws had bookstudy at their home for a couple of years, and their home is absolute trailer trash. But the elders still let them have it there. And when they finally stopped having it there, it had nothing to do with how dirty their home was. And we're talking definite trailer trash here. Appliances in the driveway, grass (weeds) mowed 3 times a year, dishes in the sink, laundry area overflowing with dirty clothes, carpet ripped up, junk vehicles in the yard, toys strewn about everywhere. It amazes me they preach about paradise, and their own home looks like sh*t!

    We had bookstudy in our home for 4 years, but finally got tired of it. People were starting to be disrespectful in our home, so once that started I said....Adios!! Find somewhere else!!

    Now I don't have to go at all........

  • Scully

    With "good JWs" the mentality is that having the Book Study in your home is a supreme privilege. When I was growing up, my family hosted the BS for at least 10 years. My mom liked it because it meant the house HAD to be cleaned from stem to stern every week. And because I was the eldest child and a girl, I was the one to do the vacuuming and dusting and floor washing. My dad set out the chairs. My mom made the cookies and cake for after the BS, plus cooked supper before the meeting. I had to wash, dry and put away the supper dishes before the meeting started.

    Just call me Cinderella. But remember the key word is PRIVILEGE, so I did it.

    After hubby and I got married, we were approached and offered the PRIVILEGE of hosting the BS. We did it for 2 years in one congregation, until after Kid #1 came along. He was a colicky baby, and within 3 months of enduring his colicky periods from 6pm until 10pm every night - with no respect for the PRIVILEGE of having the BS in our home - the PRIVILEGE was removed and given to someone who didn't have a crying baby.

    We moved to a new city and congregation, and were expecting baby #2 when we were offered the PRIVILEGE again. And we undertook the PRIVILEGE gladly. It was an honour to have the BS and weekend service arrangements in our living room. We didn't mind cleaning our home and having our brothers and sisters come in and partake of spiritual food under our roof. We didn't even mind cleaning up the mess from the boots that tromped snow and dirt onto our freshly washed floor. Well, we didn't mind until we realized someone was taking liberties with our privacy.

    We had a powder room on our main level and an ensuite bathroom upstairs off our bedroom, with an entrance to the bathroom from the main hallway. We didn't think anything of it when the powder room was occupied on the main level to let someone go upstairs and use the main bathroom adjoining our bedroom.

    This happened while I was sick, and sometimes I'd have anxiety attacks when I felt crowded or if the noise was getting to me. I would also excuse myself to our bedroom whenever it was time to breastfeed the baby. Anyway, I noticed the door to my bedroom was open, with the bathroom door to the hallway closed. I just figured someone had gone to use the washroom. No problem. When I entered the bedroom, I realized someone had just exited my bedroom via the washroom and locked the door. My jewelry box was open on top of my dresser - I kept it in my dresser drawer. Fortunately, I didn't have anything really valuable in *that* jewelry box - it was the one I kept my "cheap" costume jewelry in - but I was still appalled that someone who was a guest in my home for a BIBLE STUDY would do something like that. I waited for either door to open, while at the same time doing a mental inventory of who was downstairs. I figured out who it was, and patiently waited at the top of the staircase - they weren't going to be able to go back downstairs without a confrontation with me. It was one of the BS conductor's kids, and when she came out, I told her that she had five seconds to return anything she had of mine, or I was going to take her downstairs to her father in front of everyone, and let him know she'd been in my jewelry box. She had a shiny pin that was only worth $5 or so, and I told her I wouldn't say anything if she told her parents what she'd done and apologize to me in front of them. She was mortified, but she still did it, because she knew she'd be in a lot worse trouble with her parents if it came from me instead of her.

    Within two weeks, we were informed that someone else was going to have the PRIVILEGE of having the BS in their house. We were told it was because I was missing too much of the meetings because I was sick. But I have a feeling there was more to it than that.

    Love, Scully

    Edited by - Scully on 31 December 2002 23:30:29

  • RedhorseWoman

    Well, I can see that others have already posted most of my ideas on this subject.

    I would suggest, however, that if you feel uncomfortable speaking directly to your husband concerning your unease at having the book study at your house, you write down your feelings and give it to him to read. Sometimes it's easier to write than to speak. Perhaps he may surprise you and understand your feelings in the matter.

    If all else fails, do as Blondie suggested. If HE decides to have the study there even though he knows your feelings on the matter, then it is HIS responsibility to make sure the house is presentable. Notice that I said it is his "responsibility"...not yours. This would not be a joint decision, and he has no right to expect you to do anything with regard to this.

    Also, if the pressure becomes too much for you, just excuse yourself and go into another room....perhaps watch TV or go read a novel in bed. All you need to do is to say that you have too many things on your plate, and the stress of having the book study there is too much for you. You'll look like a bad wife.....but who'll get your privacy.

  • Nathan Natas
    Nathan Natas

    About one hour before every meeting, put the oven thru a self cleanig cycle with about 2 tablespoons of black pepper sprinkled on the bottom near the heating elements. The acrid choking smoke will probably drive everyone away.

    of course, it may drive you out of the house too...

  • herself

    Something that bugs me about this whole thing is that the elder approached the husband and asked HIM. Wouldn't this best be a joint matter with the husband and wife?

    What would happen if you told the elder yourself that you didn't think it would work out? He may question, but it isn't his business.

    What is it that you are afraid of about your husband? Would he hit you? Would he put you down verbally in any way? Would he give you the cold shoulder? Would he yell at you? What happens that makes you feel that you need to be "spineless" with him? There must be some payoff for being spineless with him, or there must be some protection in it for you. Generally when one person in a relationship has no say, there's some reason for that.

    Good luck, I wouldn't want one at my house either.


Share this