it just got more interesting.

by Texasbred 25 Replies latest jw friends

  • Texasbred

    The woman I am dating has a 4 year old child. He's a cute kid, and we get along very well.

    The father was once a JW and he went to the same Kingdom Hall as my girlfriend. But now he's out and celebrates holidays, birthdays, etc. with his son.

    This weekend, *Melissa* and I discussed the problems that could arise from our religious backgrounds, and I told her I would be upset if she didn't attend my families Christmas get-together. As it's one of my favorite times of the year and I'd like her to be a part of it. I tried to explain that even though it's based on a pagan ritual, the meaning has transcended and celebrating such a wonderous event as Christ's birth overshadows ANY remnants of the original pagan celebration..... she said she would go for dinner, but wouldn't participate in opening the gifts. oh well.....

    then she said, that since *Adam's* father has abandoned all JW beliefs, she's going to give him a strict Jw upbringing .... so he doesn't get any more crossed messages than he needs.

    I sometimes wish she would invite me to a meeting with her. But she doesn't seem interested in exposing me to her religion at all... I'm confused

  • joelbear

    You are opening yourself up to a lifetime of heart ache by getting involved with a Jehovah's Witness.

  • Texasbred

    .... another problem: The father is a complete ASS and he was abusive to *Melissa*. So the model of what an ex-JW is , has become HIM.

    *and the names have been changed to protect the innocent*

  • SixofNine


    I've read your other post. Let me try to be delicate. You have seen from this board just how deeply people are affected when they "Believe". It really goes quite a bit deeper than most religions. That belief comes with a heavy set of requirements.

    Your girlfriend is ignoring those requirements. Yet, she still believes, obviously.

    To cut to the chase; that situation is doing a serious Mindf*** to her. She may not show it yet, but think about it. It is not a healthy mental and emotional situation.

    I know as a fellow male from Texas, that you are no doubt pretty damn special , but you aint God, and in her mind, you aren't even really approved by God (I'm sure she has some rationalizations going on in her head, but that is all they are, rationalizations, and not very good ones at that).

    I feel for you. I feel for her. I'm not saying this is insurmountable, but tread lightly. I am saying that it is far bigger than your relationship.

    I am also not condemning her. While I think it is a big mistake for her to go against what she believes, I also know that sometimes the heart and gut knows things far sooner than the mind can change it's belief.

    e-mail me if you'd like to talk further.

    I'ma be a frickin' papist in a John Paul mask TheRealSlimSixy

  • digderidoo

    I feel to try to get your girlfriend to your family not to go along the lines of it's christs birth, which transcends pagan rituals.

    Just explain to her the importance that it has to you.

    If after this she does not want to celebrate, respect that decision. You are asking her to give up something that she has grown up with. The fact that she is going, but not opening presents is a big step on her part. My personal opinion - you should meet her halfway.

    Have you asked her, if you can go to her meeting?...May be she doesn't want you to go as this relationship is taboo to other witnesses.

    May be i'm coming from an x witness stance on this, i could be right...i could be wrong. U obviously have love for each other, i hope it all goes well for you.

    Yours dig

    Try to add life to your days, not days to your life.

  • trevor


    You only need ONE turkey at the Christmas table or things will get even
    more complicated.

  • mommy

    When I first posted my emial, I recieved alot of people just like Texas. Belief it or not guys, there are many of our young sisters out there doing things that we would have been DF for in a heartbeat. Or maybe thye are better at covering their tracks(with all the spy movies out, this is concievable)
    The way I see it is, they are out there, they are going against the religion already. The jw life is a life long training program, even if you came in adult life, it still plays a toll on you for awhile. SO I suggested introducing them to the sites such as this, and Randy's site and the other informative sites there are(don't want to leave anyone out)If they are already smoking and having sex with you then you can use this to say but you do that, why not this? Of course this may be taboo, but it may work.
    On another note This life is soooo short and our happiness & contentment should make it all worth it. I refused a long time ago to "settle" I think if a relationship is more fighting, uneasiness, hurt feeling, etc. The you need to bury it and find someone you are happy with. If you are first happy with yourself, she/he will find you.

  • Texasbred

    I don't think she's afraid of what the rest of the cong. will think of her dating a non-JW. But from the research I've done, it seems like she should be trying to get me to see "the light" .... yet she's almost uncomfortable discussing it with me. Last night, she went to the memorial thing and told me she had some things to do, and she didn't mention church until I asked her.

    Saturday morning, I found one of her books "The Bible: God's word or man's?" and started reading it ..... she put it away and was apologetic for leaving it out. She's obviously conflicted, but I can't quite figure out how to ask her tactfully, without saying, "Why the hell do you belong to this church, if you're not convinced that they're beliefs are right?"

    hmm.... I really enjoy reading this board. It's helped me realize what she might have to go through if she leaves the church.

  • AlanF

    Hi Texasbred,

    You're in a dangerous situation, in my experience. Do take to heart what SixOfNine said.

    It's not apparent from your post whether Melissa was raised as a JW, but in any case the JW teachings seem to have been ingrained deeply enough that she's still a believer, even though she doesn't follow many of the teachings herself. She's obviously very confused inside, or she's the sort of person who will go against what they believe in order to get some perceived benefit. If she's that confused or that willing to act contrary to her supposed beliefs, your relationship is bound for trouble.

    Many people who leave the JWs because they don't want to practice JW behaviors remain believers and wrestle with their consciences for a long time. It creates problems not only for them but for anyone they have a relationship with. The best thing for you would be for Melissa to resolve her own inner problems before you go further in your relationship.

    From my own personal experience, living with a 'true believer' who thinks you're going to die at Armageddon is the pits. You can't imagine how painful it is. They don't treat you like a human being, much less a partner. They view you as a dead man and treat you the same. If you can live with the possibility that your girlfriend might turn into such a person, well, that's up to you.

    Melissa's actions are fairly common among ex-JWs who haven't really resolved their inner issues. They remain believers and so, when it comes to their children, they want the kids to toe the JW line because they think it's for the kids' benefit, even though they themselves may have resolved themselves to dying at Armageddon. They might think that they're not worthy of 'getting life' or they might just not care. In any case they have enough 'issues' that their emotional lives can become turbulent, and cause serious problems for anyone with whom they have a relationship.

    If you really want to continue your relationship, know this: one day, sooner or later, Melissa will resolve her 'issues'. For you it will be a crap shoot as to where she lands. If she lands on one side, you'll be fine; on the other and your life could become hell. So for your own protection, you need to figure out how to get Melissa to resolve her 'issues' sooner, before you make a long term comittment.

    A lot of people on this board can help, which you obviously already know or you wouldn't have posted. Do keep taking advantage of this wealth of experience.


  • doubtingsister

    Hi Texasbred,

    Everything everyone has said is true. I'm considered a "weak" or inactive witness and am trying to fade out without causing an uproar or hurting people I love.
    I am married to a man who was never a JW (we met when I was a rebellious teenager and had took a long reprieve from the organization) and I've gone through a lot of emotional roller coasters with him, problems dealing with what AlanF brought out, thinking he was going to die at Armageddon and stuff like that.
    Even though I did holidays with him and his family and had fun going to concerts, hitting the bars (we love to dance) and even getting high from to time, I still felt I was being disloyal to God and wanted to return to the Kingdom Hall after our first child was born. I gave up everythying, holidays, going out to the clubs, no R rated movies, etc. It took a lot away from him and eventually he just gave in and didn't do the holidays anymore either.
    He's been there when I had so many bouts of depression and craziness (suicidal tendencies and erratic behavior). He could have left and said "to hell with her", but thankfully he didn't. We're lucky, I've realized the truth about the "truth" and still have a lot of good times ahead of us. My kids are celebrating their birthdays this year and I'm bound and determined to make the most of it. If you can get your girlfriend to read something like Crisis of Conscience or Apocalypse Delayed (read it yourself and find a real good paragraph to share) you might have some luck helping her to snap out of it. But don't pressure her or she might back off.
    My husband was very cool and laid back about it and I think that helped me since I felt no matter what I was thinking I could tell him and he wouldn't judge me or get mad at me for changing my mind.

    Good luck,


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