If we just ignore them and refuse any contact, can't they just DF us by default for insubordination or something like that? Or can't they enter in a DA on our behalf because of refusal to associate?
Just wrote my DA letter....
by dubstepped 53 Replies latest jw friends
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punkofnice
dubstepped10 minutes agoIf we just ignore them and refuse any contact, can't they just DF us by default for insubordination or something like that? Or can't they enter in a DA on our behalf because of refusal to associate?
This all depends on the wishes of the biggest bully on the BOE. Brazen conduct springs to mind. -
OnTheWayOut
...can't they?
They can do whatever they want, sometimes BOE's break their own rules or one member convinces another to agree to be a second witness to hearing things said that actually were not said.
SO WHAT? Let them do as they do. Do what you must do.
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Introvert 2
DubStepped I went through same as I have a measure of OCD as well. I sent in a letter of DA stating I was going over to the Bible Students but then then retracted the next day, kind of impulsive and too much too soon as I needed time for more research. Often it's best to do nothing and refuse to be affected by others wants, needs and agendas. Live your own life on your owns terms. In my case the Kingdom basics are always there as is Scripture but no longer buy into their legalistic corporate policies. I just do what I can and if that's not suitable then it's not my problem.
I do get less hung up about stuff as time goes on as time is the best healer. I also have trouble with the duality aspect of being in and out at the same time. If I do stay in longer term I'll avoid what upsets me which is the indoctrination assemblies and such. As well I think this RC on abuse thing is going to wake up lots of people.
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I quit!
Sending a letter of dissociation is not playing their game. It is just what you said closure. It's letting them know in no uncertain terms that you don't believe it anymore and that you are done with it and are moving one with your life. I've never understood why some consider this "playing their game". Playing a game is not coming out and telling them how you feel and pretending you still believe it to avoid confrontation. -
Giordano
The power over me is nil, but the power over others is great, and that power affects me whether I like it or not. That power got to my wife last night.
This is the ultimate truth of the matter so definitely take a pause.......respect your wife's feelings.....your love for each other is more powerful then the games JW's play.
Some family members may indeed change their minds about shunning you if you simply fade away.
If a JW ring's you up or stops by say "hey thanks for thinking about us......everything is great......... we've been very busy with our business......... stay well....... see ya". And mutter to yourself 'see ya but I wouldn't wanna be ya.'
If anyone wants to take issue with you don't send them a letter, or have an in depth discussion or send an email....... that's playing into their power over others which a DA letter can then be used to hold over anyone who may want to resume some contact.
Try not to give them a tool that will allow them to coerce family members.
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stan livedeath
dont do anything. when an elder makes contact--by phone or a visit---just say your working a lot more because you have money problems. then ask the elder for a loan to tide you over.
you will either--
never hear from him again
or
be a bit better off.
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berrygerry
You can change congos without moving (many switch to a foreign-language one), and then just continue your fade.
There is a big push to re-activate - so, you're not necessarily being targeted, per se.
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dubstepped
My wife brought the subject up today and is feeling like sending her letters now too. However, I want to give her some time to think on it and process her feelings. I would never want her to make a decision she regrets. Apparently addressing the letters really made her feel the weight and permanence of all of this. It's funny. I was crushed and felt it while writing the letters, and she felt it while addressing them. That's pretty much us, lol, just a little out of sync time wise.
As we were talking something hit me. During the RC while Stewart was grilling some elder on the stand about child abuse he made the point that JW's don't care about those outside the organization and their kids. They do nothing to protect them by not pushing for police involvement. What it made me think of is how we as JW's or even former JW's still think of things through that narrow focus, seeing things through their eyes. However, what about us? In this case my wife and I, and many here that have posted or pm'ed me have been concerned about our family's reaction. What if they never talk to us again? After all, DA'ing puts up another barrier. But that's seeing things only through the actions that they might take. What about us? Do we want to have any interactions with them really? What would we talk about, as their lives are pretty much wrapped up in being one of Jehovah's Witnesses? Even if we could talk freely, would they respect boundaries and not try to preach to us? How would that make us feel? Or you, if that's your situation? We keep looking at "losing our families" and being crushed by it, and it is indeed a sad thing. But the reality seems to be in most cases that unless we on this side of things went back to being a Witness or unless they started to come our direction, we really couldn't have much of a relationship anyway. JW's are very black and white, all or nothing, and the religion is the focal point of their lives. Notice that I didn't say Jehovah and Jesus was the focal point, but more so the performing of tasks given by the organization. I'm afraid that even just knowing TTATT puts distance between us that is tough to ever bridge.
Does anyone here that hasn't DA'ed have a great relationship with those that they are staying in for? From looking around the forum I don't see much. I see lots of people that are agitated by the loved ones in their lives that try to preach to them, or that try to trick them into doing something that would get them DF'ed, or similar other negative posts. Maybe I should start a thread about it just out of curiosity. Are there good relationships that can withstand the differences caused when someone starts to see things differently and breaks away? Are people avoiding DA'ing just on a hope and a prayer and no real proof that it works out?
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FadeToBlack
I have a slightly different spin for possibly wanting to do this. In general, I agree with the fact that I don't have to do anything. I'm done. But, I want to be able to tell the people in my community (small village in Poland) that I am not one of them any longer and show them my 'resignation' letter.