I Need Help Please!!!

by CW02 46 Replies latest jw friends

  • CW02

    I'm a 24yr old non-witness who has been dating a 23yr old witness. We met through a mutual friend. When I met him I thought he was sweet and kind and the kind of guy I could see myself with for the rest of my life. We have spent everyday together for a month and a half. He asked me to marry him and I said yes. I was looking forward to spending my life with him. Now things have changed and I"m not sure what to do. He didn't tell me he was a witness until three weeks into the relationship. I don't know much about it other than what little he has told me. I thought okay this is not going to be a big deal. Wrong!!! At first he asked me to try after many hours long conversations that usually ended up with me crying. I thought I can try because I love him. So everything was fine. He has met and been around my family and they all know about our engagement. He however waited until after he proposed to me to tell his parents that I even exsisted. Then when I went to meet them his mother grilled me for a half hour while he sat in the other room and let her do it. She politley told me to get away from him. I told him this and asked if he wanted me to leave him alone and he said "No." So I was feeling a little bit better. He has been telling everyone..non family...that we are getting married and they all ask if he is crazy or if I am pregnant which he takes major offense to...even if they are just joking. I told him not to worry about it but he does. A few days ago he told me that he was thinking of leaving being a witness because he has not been doing what he is suppose to be doing for two months and no one has bothered to ask where he has been until recently. I hate to say it but I was somewhat relieved because there has been a huge unbearable pressure on me from him and his friends/family to become a witness. Then yesterday he told me that I had to become a witness or he could no longer love me. I told him I said I would try and I also asked him that if I did try and thought it wasnt for me but it was great for him would he be okay with it and he said yes. Now he says no. Even if I do try and think it's not for me there is no possible way he can love me. I asked him why. Just because he is with me does not mean he can't believe anymore and he said he couldn't do that. He would have to give up everything to be with me and he can't do that. I don't know what I'm suppose to do. I thought if you loved someone you loved them no matter what. I am really confused right now and really need some advice!!

  • mamashel

    Hello sweetie and welcome.

    I know the pain you must be feeling, and it is really hard to offer someone advice that is in love with someone. You have to understand that if you think it is bad now, it will only get worse. I met my husband the same way. I went because he wanted me to try it. The religion is a false teaching, but people can only find out for themself. The biggest problem is you can see how his family is treating you already, and the shunning to you is bad enough, but what they will do to him is even worse. They have been taught that anyone who is not a witnees or of their belief is not a christian and is not good enough for their son. They will never ever except you. And if you decide to go just for him, you wont be happy with yourself either.

    I did it for 10 yrs, and I was the most unhappy, misserable person in the world. It has taken so much time to reprogram and try to turn my life around, I really thought i was loosing it.

    But you are the only one who can make the decision in your own life. I wish you well, but i will leave you with this thought; You are the only one who can make you happy, and you cannot be happy, truely happy by trying to please someone else, especially by doing something you dont feel is right, so take the time to listen to what your inner person is telling you, and dont put yourself through a long time of missery, because that is what the kingdom hall will do to you. And he also has to make a decision in his own life as to what he wants to do, and not want you to do it for him.

    Best wishes


  • talley

    Dear, Dear CW02, Buy him the 2 Ray Franz books, "Crisi of Conscience" & "In Search of Christian Freedom", as a goodby gift. Wrap the engagement ring with the books, give the package to him and RUN, RUN, RUN as fast as you can away from this situation. The heartache waiting for you down the 'road', waiting for you and any future children is simply greater than any 'love' you could possible feel for this man. And as you RUN for your life, DO NOT LOOK BACK. RUN, RUN, RUN !!!!!!!!! ( my email is open) One of your many, many friends on this board, talley/Judy

  • BeautifulGarbage

    I can tell you that you are not going to be getting much good news from the posters, here, regarding your situation. Marriages between JWs and NonJws are extremely difficult. Especially, if the man is the witness. Males, are taught that they are, indeed, superior to females and that they are to be in submission to them.

    My advice to you is NOT TO GET MARRIED until you research the JWs thoroughly and read carefully many of the responses you are bound to get to your post. Marriage under any circumstances is a very serious matter, but when it involves a JW it is doubly serious. I can imagine you are being pressured quite strongly to "convert".

    In the end, though, unless you want to become a JW, you will have to end this relationship.


  • Searchin50

    Hi CWO2 after reading your post i felt somewhat sad well very sad for you.

    What i suggest to do, there is a wonderful book,

    Crisis of Conscience Author Raymond Franz

    you can order on line or at your local book store maybe,

    all Jehovahs Witnesses should read this peice of work.

    It is written by a former member of that organization,

    very high ranking in their society,former member of their

    governing body in N Y C, i would give him this book as a gift

    ask him to please read it tell him to call in about a month,

    thats how long it will take to get over the shock, if he reads it.

    If he refuses to read it then consider your self lucky to get

    out of the realationship before it goes any further.

  • Francois

    I am going to give you the very same advice that I was given by a psychiatric professional friend of mine when she learned I was getting serious about a young woman who had multiple personality disorder.

    You have a pair of Nikes? Put them on and START RUNNING in the opposite direction from this young woman. RUN as fast as you can. Keep running until the Nikes wear out. And if you don't have any Nikes, I will buy a pair for you.

    Naturally, like you, being in love and all, I ignored this advice. I wasted six of the best years of my life with this woman and in the end, I did what my friend suggested. I cut if off with her. And never looked back.

    I hope you don't ignore the advice you're getting here. I hope you don't marry this guy anyway. I hope you don't marry this guy and then have a child anyway. Do you know the meaning of the term TRAPPED? Do you want to be a young woman with a child and be TRAPPED in a loveless marriage where even being treated minimally like a human being is conditional?

    DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF. I HAVE SEEN YOUNG PEOPLE "IN LOVE" TRY IT AND IT HAS NEVER WORKED. Then what you've got on your hands is a tradegy.


  • NeonMadman

    Even putting aside the JW/non-JW issue for the moment:

    1. The guy is not honest with you. He didn't tell you up front that he was a JW, and he keeps backpedaling with you about what he expects from you. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who respects you so little?

    2. He's a mama's boy. He sat in another room, and let his mother drag you over the coals, without even making an attempt to defend you? Guess we can see who's going to have the authority in your family. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who won't stand up for you?

    3. He's weak and immature. He doesn't know what he wants and is incapable of making a decision and sticking to it. He goes back and forth between what he wants, what you want, what his mom wants, what his religion wants, what his friends think, etc. etc. Wouldn't you rather have a man than a boy?

    4. He is controlling. He's using your love for him to try to force you into a religion you do not believe in. He doesn't care whether that's what you want or whether it would be good for you. He wants you in because it would be more convenient for him if you were a JW. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who is willing to use you like that?

    5. Finally, if your relationship with him is sexual in nature, he's also a massive hypocrite. His religion forbids sexual activity prior to marriage, and would quickly disfellowship (excommunicate) him if such activity were known and he did not demonstrate repentance. But, like the selfish, immature person he obviously is, he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

    Sorry, but my advice is in harmony with what talley said: Run, and don't look back. (Giving him the Ray Franz books as a parting gift isn't a bad touch, either!)

  • Silverleaf

    Welcome CW02,

    I was 21 when I went through this - he didn't tell me he was a witness until after we'd been dating for a while. He wanted me to convert of course, and I couldn't - we argued scripture constantly, faught over our beliefs and made each other miserable. He wanted to get married before he got baptised so they wouldn't be able to disfellowship him for it. His friends in the 'Truth' were miserable to him, using emotional blackmail to hurt him. His family wasn't in the 'Truth' so I didn't have that added pressure, but he thought of his congregation as more important to him than his own family so their opinions mattered more to him.

    In the end I walked away. I thought I was giving up the love of my life forever - and a year later I met someone who could put me first, shared my belief system, and didn't have to lie to anyone about our relationship. We've been married 10 years and I know I did the right thing.

    My advice would be to save yourself - get away while you still can. If you love him tell him to give you a call when he's free of the Watchtower then go live your life and don't expect to hear from him. If he has to choose you over his family and his faith the guilt will be unbearable and you will be in the middle. His family will consider you the cause of his problems and they will likely never accept you, that's no way to have a relationship or a marriage.

    Please keep us posted, and I hope you are able to make the decisions that will be best for your future. Please read the stories people have posted here and think long and hard before you make any decisions that will change your life.

    Good luck,


  • DJ

    Hi CW02,

    That's a sad situation. I'm sorry to say that this is only the beginning of your pain if you choose to stay with him. Buying him the books is an idea, you can get them on sale right now @ www.freeminds.org I think that the sale ends tomorrow (22nd). If you truly love this person, then giving him these books would be loving him even more. He may read them and he may not but you would know that you did the right thing,

    The people on this board are telling you these things out of genuine concern for you. This religion is a LIE and it causes heartache after heartache. I cannot emphasize enough how unhappy you will be. You also need to consider your future.......having children........it is a terrible way to be raised. It is not Godly, it is controlling and manipulative. If you child ever needed a blood transfusion for any reason, your boyfriend would regect it and let your child die. This happens all of the time! They believe that it is "eating blood" They only allow certain fractions of blood products and not others. This is not biblical, it is a lie! You may think to yourself that this won't happen and you could be right. I am simply pointing this out to you so that you can see the hold that these false teachings have on a jw.

    As far as his mom goes, well...that's only the beginning too. You are considered "wordly" and unless you become a jw she will continue to be unloving toward you. Is this what Jesus taught? Do you have any religious beliefs of your own? If so, I would dig a bit deeper and see just how dead wrong the jw's are. I can honestly say that if you don't have any understanding of the bible then you are the perfect target for them! I think that the best thing that you can do for yourself is, first get an understanding (NOT from a JW) of what the bible teaches about Jesus THEN you can see for yourself how wrong they are. This is not a marriage that will be happy. I would suggest that you do some research about their teachings and compare to Christianity. You need to do this for yourself and you will never regret taking the time to do it. Look at it this way, if the two of you are meant to be married then it will happen. Just, please don't marry a JW without Truly believing his religion for yourself! It is an absolutely terrible choice to marry him, in my opinion. You are young and trust me........there is plenty of time to find your mate. If you just become a jw to please him, You will be sorry and that is putting it mildly. Please take the time to listen to my advice. It comes from my heart.

    I also know all too well, that it is sometimes futile to try to reason with a person who is in love. Love blinds that's for sure. i hope that I am not asking the impossible for you. It is so very important that you are fully aware of all of the ramifications of such a marriage. Please feel free to e-mail me, anytime. I strongly, strongly recommend that you take a few months away from him. I know that sounds awful to you but it really isn't. It is the best thing to do right now. You need to grow and learn what YOU believe without the influence of the watchtower. They are a snare and a racket. It is a form of mind control and it is very powerful when you don't have an understanding of the teachings of Jesus.

    Honestly, the best thing that could happen to you right now would be if he dumped you! You will get over him. It would cause temporary pain for you but marrying him will cause a lifetime of pain. I wish you the best and remember to e-mail me, if you'd like. ok? love, Dj

  • Defender

    It is really tragic to hear of your ordeal. Jehovah's witnesses frown on marrying outside their faith. They apply the apostle Paul's counsel of only marrying in the Lord, strictly upon themselves. However, there are many experiences where JWs married outside of the faith despite peer and family pressure. The outcome of such marriages are always mixed like any other marriage. Some non JW mates suffered and continue to suffer, some converted and living happily, and some ended up in divorce.

    Trying to explain JW mentality would require hours and still would leave you wondering. Your fiance is going through turmoil and indecision probably like no other time in his life. On the one hand, he appears to love you for asking to marry you, and on the other he is under a tremendous amount of pressure from his JW friends and family to never marrying you. If you are not a JW, then you are considered by them a "worldly" person, a heathen, an unbeliever, destined for destruction by God in Armageddon. So, naturally, under these assumptions, JWs are pressuring your fiance to leave you and in time, God will find him a suitable mate within JWs.

    Furthermore, your fiance is under pressure in knowledge that if he marries you in some Church format other than JWs, he stands the chance of being shunned and disfellowshipped from the congregation. Disfellowshipping is a nightmarish fate for JWs.

    In the meantime, your fiance is probably trying to tell his JW friends and family, that he will help you become a JW in hopes of trying to convince them.

    For you to become a JW, is no simple matter. It is not like joining a club or attending a mass at some church. It is a lifelong commitment and a totally new way of life for you. There are things that you need to abandon and lifestyle changes that you need to adhere to.

    One thing I can tell you is that you need to be in love with their beliefs more so than your fiance in order for you to really become a JW. This is something you and only you need to weigh and decide.

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