Three Drunk Women...

by Matty 19 Replies latest social humour

  • Elders_Kid

    A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see his doctor. The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate. S o, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.

    When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed... naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her. Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a few shots with his new starter pistol.

    They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results. He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc!
    When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

  • butalbee


  • ballistic

    >A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
    >The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a
    >small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to
    >tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand face lift.
    >Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
    >Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the
    >effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
    >After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
    >problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine.
    >I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved results.
    >But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible
    >under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them,"
    >The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those
    >are your breasts."
    >She said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

  • ballistic


    > > Three young Irish candidates for the priesthood are told by the


    > > they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor

    > > leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell

    > > is tied to each man's penis.

    > >

    > > In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She

    > > begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.

    > >

    > > Ting-a-ling

    > >

    > > "Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your

    > > lack of control. Go now and take a long, cold shower and pray about

    > > your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves.

    > >

    > > The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly


    > > off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:

    > >

    > > Ting-a-ling

    > >

    > > "Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to

    > > withstand your carnal desires. Go ... take a long, cold shower and

    > > pray for forgiveness."

    > >

    > > The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate.

    > >

    > > Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response.

    > >

    > > Finally, exhausted, she quits. "Michael, my son, I am truly proud of


    > > says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character

    > > needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in

    > > the


    > >

    > > Ting-a-ling

  • Valis

    One night two women were out drinking without their husbands. As they walked home they both felt the urge to pee..The only private place nearby was a cemetery. The first woman didn't have anything to wipe with so she took off her panties and threw them away. The second used a ribbon from a nearby wreath. The next morning one husband calls the other and says "Our wives were up to no good last night, my old lady came home with no underwear!" The other said "You're lucky dude, my wife came home with a card stuck up her ass that read WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!"...


    District Overbeer of the "Naughty & Nice" class

  • SloBoy

    O.K. ELDERS KID, you win!!!.....a good laugh.

  • target

    The Closet

    A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

    Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

    The little boy says, "Dark in here."

    The man says, "Yes it is."

    Boy- "I have a baseball."

    Man- "That's nice."

    Boy- "Want to buy it?"

    Man- "No, thanks."

    Boy- "My dad's outside."

    Man- "OK, how much?"

    Boy- "$250."

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the

    mom's lover are in the closet together.

    Boy- "Dark in here."

    Man- "Yes, it is."

    Boy- "I have a baseball glove."

    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

    Boy- "$750."

    Man- "Fine."

    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your baseball and glove.

    Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

    The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

    The son says "$1,000."

    The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

    That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you

    to church and make you confess."

    They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in

    the confession booth and he closes the door.

    The boy says, "Dark in here."

    The priest says, "Don't start that crap again"

  • target

    The Biker

    A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do
    it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
    On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket
    and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up
    a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to
    carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the
    anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each
    arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

    "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went. But in the parking
    lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She
    asked , "Can you tell me how to get to
    ?" The biker
    said , "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at
    . Let's take
    my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

    The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely
    widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get
    in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and
    ravish me?"

    The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
    chickens , and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up
    against the wall and do that?"

    The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
    anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

  • rwagoner

    Three couples wish to join the local church and go to speak to the minister..

    The minister tells them that he always asks new couples to go home and abstain from sex for 1 month and then return to meet with him.

    The first couple, older and retired, returns a month later and when the minister asks how the month went the husband laughs and tells him it was just like any other month and the minister says they are welcome in the church.

    The second couple, a middle age couple, returns a month later and when the minister asks how the month went the husband says, "well...the first week was rough but then it got easier", and the minister says they are welcome in the church.

    The third couple, newlyweds" return a month later and when the minister asks how the month went the husband says, "well..we were doing okay untill she dropped the paint can."

    "The paint can ?" the minister asks.

    "yeah", says the husband, " you see she dropped the paint can and bent over in front of me and well...I just couldn't help it so I yanked her pants off and took her right there."

    Shocked, the minister gasped and told them that he was sorry but uncontrolled lust was a sin and that they were NOT welcome in the church.

    The husband chuckled and said, "Oh yeah ? ...well we're not welcome in Home Depot anymore either".


  • Matty

    Two priests rode their bikes to church every Sunday.

    One day one of the priests turned up to work without his bike. The other priest asked where his bike was so the first priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!"

    The other priest said, "Well, all you have to do is read off the Ten Commandments, and when you get to Thou shall not steal someone will then confess to the crime."

    The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?" the one priest said.

    The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, it suddenly occured to me where I had left it."

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