Three Drunk Women...

Matty

Three Drunk Women had a very late night drinking session.

They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was the most drunk the night before.

The first girl claimed that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door I blew chunks for 10 minutes."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment.

Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand........Chunks is my dog."

Matty

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid they thought their wives were.

The Englishman says, ''I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought 300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in.''

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.

''Just last week, she went out and spent 17,000 on a new car,'' he laments, ''and she doesn't even know how to drive!''

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ''Ah, it kills me every time I think of it,'' he chuckles. ''My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!''

Joyzabel

MATTY!

ballistic

Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Liverpool to Manchester on a motorbike. They break down and start to hitchhike. A friendly trucker s tops to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a lift.

He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries e verything he knows; however, he is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he is late for his delivery so he tells the Scousers he has to leave.

The Scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike in the back of the wagon;the driver closes the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late, so he puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which he replies with heavy sarcasm

"Scouse eggs".

The policeman does not believe this and wants to take a look in the back.

He opens the back door, takes a look, shuts it and locks it straightaway.

He rushes back to his car, gets on the radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency

he has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon containing 20,000 Scouse eggs. So far two have hatched and the b*stards have managed to nick a motorbike already!!!."

TruckerGB

Hee hee,Matty your almost down to my level,congratulations

target

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it ain't rigged -- my wife won twice last week.