My mother started studing with the JW's when I was 2 years old. She became more involved with the organization over the next few years. I was very young so I don't remember much about my early years in the JW's. By the time I was old enough to know what was going on and how I felt about it (around 7-8 years old) my mother was having problems in the organization. She was an unwed mother with two children of different races (not exactly JW poster material.) They wanted her to get married, she didn't want any of the guys they "offered" as suitable. Needless to say there were all sorts of difficulties. My mom wanted the perfect JW family so we went out in service, meetings, skipped the holidays. I wasn't allowed to have any friends outside the JW's and none of the JW kids were allowed to be friends with the child of an unwed mother. Mom took "spare the rod and spoil the child" as an excuse to beat the crap out of my little sister and me. She hid my ballet slippers because she didn't want me going to lessons instead of going out in service and dancing was immoral anyway. She threw away all of my dolls because they were "idols" images made in the likeness of man. By the time I was nine I could read the bible for myself, I could see that what I was being taught was not what the bible actually said (even the JW bible doesn't say half of what they say it does). I made the decision that I did not want to live forever in a world where I was scared, beaten, and lonely. Unfortunately, I was scared to leave and had no where to go. I was only nine and had a little sister to look after.
A single mother working only part time (she had to have time to auxillory(?) pioneer) there wasn't enough money to keep food on the table. She was depressed and would binge and eat everything in the fridge at night. So, I hid food in the covers on my bed, boxes of mac & cheese whatever would keep. I tried so hard to protect and care for my sister, but it cost me dearly. By the time I entered middle school I was 5'5" and under 100 lbs. I was having medical problems due to my low weight and she refused to let me see a doctor. When I got real bad she finally took me to the emergency room. They told her she should try feeding me, she didn't believe there was a problem.
After awhile moms problems in the JW's caused her to stop attending meeteings due to the intense depresson. She held even stricter adherance to the JW rules to prove to God that she was still faithful so while there were no more meeting so attend and no service requirements there were also no holidays or contact with non-JW family. Several family members died and I was not allowed to attend the funerals because they were to be held in Catholic churches, it broke my heart that I could not attend.
About 17 my rebelious streak started according to my mother. I started attending a christian church, mother hit the roof when she found out. I am shy and avoid confrontation at all costs (especially with my mother) so when she broke out her bible and wanted a theological "debate" I let her rant and kept my mouth shut. Of course I also kept attending the other church. She insisted I start attending JW meetings again even though she did not attend, so I went to both services. Yea I'm the stubborn type.
I am 27 now, I think I have done just about everything my mother ever told me not to. I am Catholic, I have taken college classes, I joined the military, I celebrate the holidays (and take great joy in doing so), I am involved with my extended non-JW family and I am trying to bring some sanity to my life. I still have problems reacting with and relating to other people from being so isolated growing up. I am still very innocent in a lot of areas. Mostly I have problems with my mother. She does not understand that I do not really care what happens after I die as long as I get the opportunity to live my life and then die. Yes I actually wish eventualy to die. I don't want to live forever! Talking to her is like a guilt trip, she doesn't remember the beatings or anything else bad about my childhood. All she remembers is what a wonderful time I had growing up. I must have missed it or something because I don't see it that way. My sister moved away and doesn't have anything to do with any family except me. I am the only one who won't tell mom where she is. She is still as scared of mom as I am. My family tells my mom everything about me and what they think is going on in my life. I don't want my mother in my life (maybe if she got out of the JW's, got some councelling, and admitted that she has some real mental problems) and after trying to make it with my family interferance for the past 6 years I have realzed that the only way I am going to have a chance at building a normal, happy life is to leave everything behind. I am really scared to go out into the world alone. I am planning to leave in the spring, I want to go to the New England area and I think it would be bad to move in the winter. All I really want in life is the freedom to make my own decisions.
Thanks for listening, it is hardly my whole story but it helps to speak up. I am sorry it is so long. This is my first time with message boards so please be kind with any mistakes I have made.