Leaving the Flock-Biggs is Almost Out!

by Mister Biggs 39 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Mister Biggs

  Nearly one year ago, my doubts were brought to the surface from the deepest bowels of my brain. I was scared to look at anything "negative" about the JW religion, however. In fact, this site scared the poop out of me! But, facts are facts. I read, researched, and drew my own conclusions.

  When I first came to reality with my doubts, I told my wife of 10 years. She said (in summary) that she wouldn't leave Jehovah for anyone. That same night I told my wife, I told my older elder brother. He basically said that it was okay to doubt, just don't dwell on the doubts. Wait on jehovah, Etc., etc., etc.

  Between then and July, 2002, my elder older brother checked to see how I was doing only ONCE (after the book study, about two weeks after I spoke to him). His encouragement was, "How are things going?" My response, "Okay". End of encouragement. My wife brought it up MAYBE three times after we initially talked. She is very emotional and delicate so I think she was more scared of what I might say. She's very non-confrontational (as am I). I would basically tell her that "I'm still struggling" or "things will probably never be the same". She accepted those responses. Perhaps it was because at least I was still attending the meetings (although my field service has declined dramatically). Maybe she was holding on to some hope that I would turn this thing around.

  Then came Friday, August 9, 2002. Here's our conversation (to the best of my recollection):

  Wife: "Things are different with you."

  Biggs: "How?"

  Wife: "You seem to be negative all of the time!"

  Biggs: "ALL of the time?"

  Admittedly, my wife said I wasn't negative ALL of the time. I asked her to cite an example of when I WAS negative. She pointed to this past Thursday when they announced from the platform that So-and-So is now an unbaptized Publisher. After that meeting, I said to my wife, "That's no big deal!". My wife was right. I have been increasingly negative about the goings on in the JW religion. But what she calls negative I call facts (or truth). One thing that has changed about me since I've learned the truth about the "truth": I say what I think needs to be said and I don't judge people (as JW's commonly do). Okay...so TWO things have changed about me. LOL

  Then, I opened up to my wife. I told her that two things that are really affecting me are the child abuse policy within the JW religion and the blood issue. My wife listened, teary eyed. She offered no opinion. She just let me talk. Finally, I admitted to her that I've only been attending meetings because I don't want to lose her (we have no children, of course ).

  Wife: "You are going for the wrong reason. Don't you love Jehovah anymore?"

  My wife doesn't know that Jehovah and I currently aren't on speaking terms. Nevertheless, I said, "Of course I love Jehovah. I just have a problem with men."

  I explained to my wife that I feel like I've been lied to, betrayed. Then I asked my wife a point-blank question:

  "If I stopped going (to the meetings), would our relationship be affected?" (This'll be too much information for Nikita and Quincy, my siblings. LOL... My wife and I, our sexual relationship, is frustrating to say the least. I'm creative, intimate, and willing. My wife views sex like a chore or a duty. I like to make it last and she derives pleasure for only the first few minutes. Either I'm a lousy lover or she's into "missionary" sex. LOL)

  She responded: "Our relationship will probably be affected because we would no longer have that common bond."

  Biggs: "Well, then, what do you think I should do? Do you want me to talk to the elders?"

  Wife: "I don't know."

  See, my wife probably realizes that if I talk to the elder's then that'll pretty much end my days as a JW. For you angrier "apostates" out there, I wouldn't talk to the elders to get help, I would talk to them to tell them that I have serious issues with the Organization and its policies. They would most likely form a Judicial Committee. However, I won't talk to the elders about it. All they care about is DFing someone.

  Anyway, it was an emotional weekend. But, I made tremendous strides. My wife is now ready to accept my decision to stop attending. I never thought I would get to this point. I hope to accomplish my goal of getting out within the next two months. Maybe I won't even get DF'd.

  Thanks to all of you for allowing me to share my saga. Thanks to those on this board who I really admire (badwillie, flower, Nikita, Quincy, Dutchie, Joy2BFree, and mikepence, as well as everyone else's posts I read on a daily basis!)

  Edited by - Mister Biggs on 12 August 2002 10:21:43
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  Dutchie

  Despite everything, your wife sounds like a very special person. From what youve written, I can tell that you two love each other very much. Somestimes, in a marriage you need to allow each other to grrow and now perhaps Mrs. Biggs is willing to let you try to wings without the witnesses.

  Arent you lucky to have Nikita and Quincy on your side? Siblings that can relate to each other are truly a blessing. My sister is also starting to have doubts and I can tell you it makes all the difference to me. I no longer feel so lonely and disconnected.

  In my opinion, the slow fade is the way to go. If you play it cool and not make any sudden, extreme moves you may just be able to get away with it.

  There are plenty of successful marriages where only one of the parties is a witness or where one of the parties has left the truth and I pray that yours will be one of them. Maybe one day Mrs. Biggs will even join you in your apostate ways. It may seem an impossible dream now, but stranger things have happened.

  Both you and Mrs. Biggs are in my thoughts and prayers in this time of change.
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  BeautifulGarbage

  ((((((((((((((Biggs))))))))))))))))

  Well, at least your wife listened!

  Take care,

  Andee
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  ashitaka

  Biggsy......phew. That's a whole lot to happen in a weekend.

  Hey, give me a mail at [email protected] if you'd like. I think we live close enough to go get a coffee somewhere.

  My wife left with me just about a year ago, and it was very difficult for her. Perhaps we could hang out and AVOID ALL JW ISSUES and your wifey could see the normalcy in the little things in life, and that non-JWs are just as good or better than JWs.

  Good luck, Biggs.

  ash
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  truthseeker1

  I'm in a similar situation.

  I told my wife and she told the elders(her dad is PO). He and his wife (step mother-in-law) came over to check up on me the next day after meeting. I told them all my doubts and concerns about the WT. They just told me I needed to study more and stop looking at apostate stuff. Things didn't change for a couple of months. I still went to meetings. Other elders didn't get involved. After a few months of this, It came to the surface again. This time I decided to talk to the elders and let them know I didn't believe that the WT was "gods chosen ppl" or even in the bible. After a meeting with 2 elders, We decided that I was going to study with one of them. I said if I can be convinced that it was the truth, I would believe it. Its not that I hate the WT, I just didn't believe it was "Gods Chosen People". No announcements were made, I wasn't DF'd or anything. Just people were worried about me. Nobody shunned me (YET). After a few studies, I wasn't being convinced of anything. Everything was based on circular reasoning to me. We are right because God said we are kinda arguments. They couldn't answer my questions (evolution) and when they tried, the answers made me laugh (Dinosaurs were all herbavores, etc.) I told the Elder I was studing with that It wasn't working. At that point everything changed. The Elder told me to leave his house. I told him thanks for the time and effort he put into me, but we just shook his head and told me not to thank him. I tried to shake his hand and say good-bye but he said no and just asked me to leave. From that point on I haven't spoken to a witness except my wife. My relationship with my wife has spiraled out of control. She told me that she doesn't want to be married to someone who isn't a witness, and she is resents me for not being one. As much as I enjoy being married to her, I am not going to stay in a marriage that I am not wanted or respected. She refuses to have kids with me because she doesn't want to raise kids in a divided household. Well, you get the picture. We are currently separated and are getting a legal divorce. I was asked to write a DA letter, but thats the only contact by elders since this incident months ago.

  This is what could be expected. Our wives seem a little different tho. Mine is VERY headstrong and opinionated. She is loving, but it is conditional. Things will probably be different, but along these same lines I would imagine.
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  Larry

  Mr. Biggs - For what it's worth:

  I hear you loud and clear, Outside of this web-site it's a lonely road we travel towards personal freedom, but it's worth the trip. As MLK said "Freedom isn't free."

  It's good that you are feeling out your wife, you never know, she might leave with you. After I finally left, I realize that my wife had serious doubts as well, and was only in it to support me as I strived to climb the 'spiritual ladder' to salvation. Often times the other mate is mainly concern about our well being - how this major change in your life will effect you - emotional, spiritual, and financial. Unfortunately, sometimes when one mate leaves or gets booted out of the BORG the mate that's still in gets treated the same as the one that left. So your decision will effect your wife, and she may feel that's it's unfair the way the 'friends' threat her.

  As far as leaving or drifting away, I recommend it, at least you will still 'officially' be able speak to JW's. I did the same for a while, but I couldn't take the hypocrisy. I mean, one minute I'm helping out the 'friends' with all kinds of problems - depression, financial woes, suicidal thoughts, marriage and children problems, etc. and the next minute they walk on the other side of the street - and this is immediately after I resign as an Elder. You can imagine how they view me now. I case in point is the day of 9/11. I was in that mess, and as I came home covered with ash and sooth a Dub that lives in my building saw me and turned her head. I figure something like 9/11 would dismantle the shackles of religious ignorance and bring one back to common decency for at least a second or so, but it didn't.

  Once a Dub visits and reads anything on this board they will immediately began to doubt - the evidence in this site is too overwhelming. I often say the 'logic' that brought me into the the 'troof' is the same logic that brought me out. It seemd that the same logic is compeling you to make desicions - Do I stay in and be 'people pleasers' or do I leave and be my own person? Hope to see at the Silentlamb March.

  Discovering the truth about the troof doesn't stop with the BORG. When you get a chance dig into the roots of all religions and the bible, I'm sure you will find bigger surprises.

  Peace - LL
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  Mister Biggs

  Thanks Dutchie, BG, and ashi.

  This is what happened on Sunday:

  I wake up around 8:45 AM. I had some stomach pains. Our meeting was to begin at 10:00. I "prepared" for the meeting by underlining my Watchtower. At 9:15 my wife comes out of the bathroom and asks me in an annoyed voice: "Are you going or not?!?"

  Now, I'm ticked off. I sharply responded, "I never said I WASN'T going!"

  We both are in the bedroom and we are now arguing (not necessarily yelling). I said, "You saw me preparing. Wasn't I doing the "right" thing? What do you want from me? What did I do wrong?"

  My wife is crying! After a few minutes of heated discussion my wife realized that she made an assumption. She tapped me on my shoulder, offered me a hug and said "I'm sorry". However, I refused her hug and turned my back toward her. She was hurt.

  We were ready to go to the meeting around 9:40. I didn't want my wife crying during the meeting so I hugged her and made peace (although I was still ticked). We sat in the 2nd row from the stage. I endured a few minutes of the public talk until the speaker said, "Anything printed that doesn't come from Jehovah comes from Satan". Why, I wondered to myself, does the WTS cite "worldly" media when it reflects positive on them and then says it's from Satan when it's negative?

  So, I got up and walked to the back of the hall. After the meeting, a sister said to me (while my wife was standing next to me),"You got up during the meeting and your face looked very determined. You looked like you wanted to beat someone up!"

  Biggs: "That's funny. A lot of people seem to be telling me that today!"

  Anyway, I explained to my wife when we got home that I was still angry about what happened that morning. She understood. However, by the end of the day, my wife and I were cool.

  I'll provide more updates as they unfold.
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  flower

  Wow Biggsy! How scary and exciting and sad. I feel mostly sad because love is a rare and wonderuful thing and the way this cult tears apart perfectly good marriages is unforgivable.

  It didnt sound like it went that badly though, I wouldnt give up on her completely even though she says she will never leave Jehovah. That statement is said based on ignorance of the facts. All she has to do is get to the point where she is open enough to just LOOK at the information out there on this cult. As painful as it will be for her the truth speaks for itself.

  You, I am excited for! Just think of all that time you'll have to decide for yourself how you want to spend it. Tuesday nights, Thursday nights, and allllll day Sunday LOL :).

  It will be so great if you can fade out and not get Df'd that way you can still work on her without the 'problems' associated with being df'd.

  Thinking of you,

  Flower

  ps, i dont think i'm gonna be able to make it on Friday. :(
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  Mister Biggs

  truthseeker- Thank you for showing me that there are a lot of "us" out there.

  Larry- I always enjoy your posts. Thank you for the suppotive words.

  flower- You are my dogette. I'm sorry you can't make it on Friday! :o(
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  SYN

  Geesh Biggs, that's a lot for anybody to go through. Strength man!