I hate being a phoney!

by Matty 34 Replies latest jw friends

  • blondie

    Hi Lindy (Aunty--Antique)

    I have missed your posts. Glad to hear things are going well. You have encouraged me greatly today (and others I'm sure).


  • bay64me

    Hello Matty,

    Just thought I'd let you know what it was like for me while my person was sat in the meetings and my mind was not.

    I started to take great delight in thinking bad thoughts about those on the platform, while they were speaking.

    I would open my mouth really wide and yawn, purposefully at the ones that gave the boring talks, while they were looking at me.

    When somebody that I didn't care for got up to give a talk or demo, I would go out to the ladies or sit in the back school.

    I used to not give my talks and got out of the habit of making up excuses either. I didn't owe them an excuse.

    I stopped putting money in the contribution box and felt good about it.

    I would write notes and draw pictures of people in the hall and pass them to my kids and giggle.

    All trivial stuff really, but it gave me a sense of strength and it was the start of me reallybeing me or true to myself and what I really felt like inside.

    I don't presume that this is the right thing to do for you. However I understand how awful it is to have to pretend you are something you are not. That is where my petty, childish behaviour helped me to find my own values and eventually the courage to leave.

    Take care,


  • lv4fer

    Hey Matty, I feel for you. My family and I have been out for almost a year. It has been a hard year. We lost our entire circle of friends, my daughter lost her very close best friend. It is like a death in the family, I swear. Post where you are from and maybe you can hook up with some other XJW for support.

    About the school, don't tell them you want to quit, just cancel at the last minute a few times, they will take you off.

  • Jourles

    Hell, I know exactly what it is like to be a phoney Matt. I've been a practicing "phoney" for about 5 years now. And the sad thing is, I am getting very good at it. Anymore, it does not bother me much that I still attend a few meetings here and there. I do not listen at the meetings in the way that I would benefit from being there. Rather, I only listen for new light and tacking. Once you are at that point, you have taken the title of Spy. We have many spies on this board - ones that still attend and inform this board of current events and news from the meetings. Being a spy is what makes me tolerate the meetings. I cannot leave yet due to family circumstances, but once things are in order, I will eventually make my exit.

    But until then, I am proud to be a phoney. As long as it means I can still have my cake and eat it too.

  • Prisca
    I still do No4s & No2s

    Make sure you do No1s as well, it's not healthy for your bladder otherwise.

    Matty, I have been through the same thing, and it's not easy trying to fade out without causing too much attention. I found doing the "slow fade" easiest. It does mean that some will consider you to be "unspiritual" or lacking somehow, which isn't easy when you've always been considered "spiritually strong" or popular amongst your JW "friends". But if you want to cause as few ripples as possible, then I suggest you do a slow fade.

    Hang in there, we're with you in this!

Share this