I hate being a phoney!

Matty

I need a vent guys, I hope you all don't mind! I'm not sure what has happened to me today of all days, but I just can't fight back the tears. I guess it must be the pretence fatigue kicking in. I really hate being a phoney, I wish I could tell my family how I truly feel instead of bottling it all up inside me. Seeing all my friends again at the convention last week didn't help much either. These are the same people who will shun me when I leave. I'm uncomfortable with feeling sorry for myself, I keep thinking that there are so many people around that are worse off than me, but this doesn't seem to make me feel much better!

I tend to use the analogy of battered wife syndrome for the Watchtower Society so people can understand why it's so difficult to leave something that is hurting you. How on earth can you stay one minute longer in an organisation that has literally destroyed your life? I do because it IS my life, and everything I have ever loved and cared about is there still within it.

When I was at the meeting yesterday I looked around and thought "If I have to go through this much longer I'm just going to go insane!" I had a bit-part in the service meeting demonstrating how to do a presentation to someone who can't speak English, using the "Good News For All Nations" booklet! I can do a reasonable sort of greeting in six languages, now that's a decent skill! I can talk crap to many different races! It's crazy really, I feel like I'm on a bicycle and I've stopped pedalling, but I don't know how to stop it and get off, I'm just freewheeling down a hill waiting to crash into something! I just go through the motions and nobody seems like they've noticed any difference in me.

I've spent all of my life up to now sincerely thinking that the Witnesses had the truth, and I was going to live forever, and that it didnt matter if I put life decisions off, I would be able to do everything I ever wanted to do in the new system. Well, reality has dawned and I've now realised that I've got to get off my butt and start living!

Does any of this sound familiar to you? I would be interested in hearing about what you did when you were at the stage I'm in right now.

Vivamus

(((((((((((MATTY))))))))))))

I know what you feel, when I was at the stage you are now, I left. It was the best decision I could have made, but it hurt, and still hurts to think back on the friends I left behind.

You have to make your own decision, the most important thing in your life, is YOU. No one else should matter so much, as your own well being. If you can't take it anymore, than be brave and take the steps. But, if you don't want to leave cause of your friends, than don't. It is your decision, no one else can make it for you. But this is a good place to vent, whatever decision you make. And if you want to talk, e-mail me.

Hugs to you! Viv.

LucidSky

Hey Matty. Yep. Went through same sort of thing. It sucks having the "I'm going to live forever" mindset and realizing that it was all a nice little fantasy. I basically just slowed my activity and left. My parents are still in, but they still talk to me.

Mimilly

Matty - honey you are not a phoney. What you are feeling is completely NORMAL for what you are going through. I wasn't born into the JWs, so I'm sure there are others more qualified to give you advice.

You know I'm here for you and luv ya dude. I hope to see you on chat tonight as I will be home in an hour.

Matty - your comfort zone is being comprimised and that is always scary with an enormous range of emotions. Be good to you. Do NOT put yourself down!

I hope to see you on IM tonight. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Matty)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

sending you sunbeams,

Mimilly

joannadandy

*bear hugs Matty*

Matty I was a phoney for four years before I finally worked up the courage to leave...or rather slow fade. I can totally realate to how you feel! It will be hard, but you will do it when you are ready. Don't beat yourself up about it...eventually it will get worked out.

My e-mail is open and listed in my profile if you ever want to talk about it more...I won't shun ya either way!

Dino

Hi Matty.

You are one of the nicest and most polite posters on this board IMHO.

Just wanted to let you know how much you are appreciated by me.

And you're no phoney!

Dino

ballistic

Matty, I knew you were going to face a difficult time when you told me about your predicament. It is different to mine in that I was disfellowshipped out of the blue and still believed it to be the truth. I then made the decisions you are making now having lost friends and the witness way of life for several years. Try to look at the positive side, you have been enlightened - and are about to save yourself years of wasted servitude. You have the benefit of the information and friends here to help you on your way, and that may not necessarily be disfellowshipping. I'm not saying it will be easy, but hopefully you can spare yourself the years of confusion, sitting on the fence and meandering that I went through.

Jesika

((((((((((((((Matty)))))))))))))))

I understand what you are feeling. I lost my whole life at 15. I looked around at all the people who believed my father(elder) about the fact he wasnt abusing me, even though i had visible bruses. Noone even cared to hear my side, much less believe me. I still hurt because of all the people who told me they would always be there for me, and when i needed them, they werent there. My whole life was gone, everything i ever knew. It isnt easy, and i did it on my own. You have MANY friends here that will help you, I didnt have that. At the age of 15 i had to make very adult decisions, and I am glad i did. If you ever need me---------- my email is closed off to most cause of the virus probs, but I will post it for you-------- [email protected] please use it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can get into greater detail privately if you like. LOVE YOU Jesika

Matty

Hey, I'm feeling better already! How much lurve can one person take! Thank you so much for your kind words, you are all a godsend. This site is a godsend, goodness knows where I'd be without you all. One things for sure, when I read some of your experiences, and think of the damage and pain that you've been through, it just makes me so embarrassed that I still represent the lousy cult! I can't see it dragging for much longer now, it's just a question of damage limitation.

I see myself as a Hyacinth Bucket of the Witnesses, I'm just Keeping Up Appearances to satisfy other people's sensibilities.

da_luvvin_bruvva

Matty, like I said to you before...........you're beginning a wonderful journey mate.

You know "we're" all here for ya, and not just from the UK. You're gonna make friends all over the world, cos, you're not alone.

And, you know that we're here for ya too, always, that is; me and da_luvvin_sista. (You know who we are).

You may feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, but believe me, and obviously, all of us that have come out of a 'mind controlling' religion such as the WT, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Take it easy. Get to know your stuff. Get to know why you started feeling this way. Make sure that you're absolutely sure in your mind that da trooof is not the Truth.

Research the WT for yourself so that you're confident that what you're finding out isn't just what you've been told by others. You've had a life time of being told what 'your' opinion is, so its time to develop your own opinion, cos, you've got one, you just need to find it.

No doubt you're gonna be asked a lot of questions by the LB's (da luvvin bruvva's), so watch what you say and how you say it. If you don't keep your answers hypothetical (eg: ..."someone asked me about....), the spiritual law enforcement officers will be notified and a notice of full alert will be issued.

There are so many dubbs coming out, everyday, so sooner or later, you're gonna get to find out that someone else's been feeling this way for goodness knows how long. Thats where someone like you, me, and all the posters on here can help others come to terms with the trauma of finding out that they'd been in a cult.

Bear this in mind, if you think that you were the only one last week at the 'convention' that feels the same as you, be assured that many of the 'conventioners' will also have either read, or posted on here cos there are so many dubbs that are in the dubbery that just don't believe it. They're tied by their families, friends, and relatives. But look whats happening to da_luvvin_sista's family!

Anyways, I can only reiterate that we're all here for ya, and me and da_luvvin_sista will always be here for ya.

We found the light at the end of the tunnel..........and it weren't that far away afterall.

Real Christian Love to ya......and I mean, real Christian Love........... no strings, no terms and conditions, no subject to status, no phoney, no mess and no nuffink (although your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments or other loans secured on it).

DLB & DLS

I hate being a phoney!

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