I hate being a phoney!

by Matty 34 Replies latest jw friends

  • nicolaou


    sure know what you mean about 'pretence fatigue'. It's been nearly three years since I turned in a report in but I still haven't made a clean break for all the usual reasons. From some of your other posts I get the impression that we are living practically next door to each other - if you'd like to meet up for a beer sometime I'd really appreciate it.


  • MrMoe

    Oh Matty... wish I could help. Vent all you want, you have every right babe. In the end, the choice u make is urs, only advice I can give. *hugs and kisses*

  • Buster


    Vent away my friend. I wasn't in your spot. I just melted away until I was just a rumor. It sounds to me like you are carrying quite a burden - the burden of the conditional love foisted on the fatihful to use as a weapon against you. I am sorry to say that I don't think it'll change. I'ld be willing to bet that if you could think of a way to bring your family out with you, you would've done so by now.

    Follow your heart. I am certain it'll take you in a wonderful direction.

  • Brummie

    Matty since this thread was started back in August and has been revived how are things now?

    Great thread BTW


  • blondie

    Matty, I hope you are feeling better since August too. I think you are based on your posts.

    Now who could feel more like you do than me, Blondie, still stuck in and trying to do the slow fade. I miss as many meetings as I can. When I went to my circuit assembly, I actually became physically ill for about 3 weeks. I'm better now. So make a plan, Matty, of things you can do now that will facilitate leaving the WTS. Build up a social network outside the KH. Some good suggestions here, school, volunteer, work, etc.

    I'm lucky in that I have someone IRL I can talk to. But I still come here. Can't burden that person with everything.

    I know so many JWs that are real phoneys, who lack love for people inside or outside the congregation who think lying is only a form of spiritual warfare.


  • Matty

    Blondie, Im really not surprised the last Circuit Assembly made you ill, it was terrifyingly hard-line wasnt it that is if mine was the same as yours of course sometimes the bruvvers take liberties with the outlines. Im very lucky I have this place! Yes, I dont have anyone to talk to within my family and its difficult burdening your friends with all your neurosiss, they can get kinda fed up with you!

    Things have changed quite a bit since August when I was still very much an active witness, even though it was just a faade. My slow fade has started, Ive chucked my blood card away and cancelled my gift-aid standing orders. I miss a lot of meetings and havent been out on the ministry for absolutely weeks now. Needless to say I havent been asked to be in a demo or lead the congregation in prayer for a while. Oddly enough Ive been getting away with it so far, I havent been hassled by my family or the Elders. My next big thing has got to be quitting the school as I still do No4s & No2s. How on earth do you do this without drawing attention to yourself? If I approached the School Overseer, asking to be taken off the list, this may very well prompt questions from him about my general spiritual wellbeing, I really want to say as little as possible at the moment.

    Anyway, a special thanks to Nic for bringing this back to the top!

    Hugs to everyone.

  • minimus

    Matty, YOU are one of the nicest persons on this board. I'm glad things are better! As far as the TMS, just start canceling due to work, illness. etc. Then, when you feel you want to terminate things, they won't be surprised....Good luck, I mean fortune.

  • blondie

    As usual, minimus, has some good ideas about the school. As a sister, I have less value, so my quitting the school was not as big a deal. I did use the same technique, illness and work, and after a pattern of that, telling the school overseer that I wanted to be taken out of the school "temporarily" until I could be sure of fulfilling my assignments and not putting an extra burden on him or any substitute students. It worked like a charm and I have been out for 2 years.

    Eventually, though, final decisions will have to be made. Think of all the JWs you socialize with only at the KH? Then think of the ones that call you or see you apart from the KH? Unless you are a popular guy, the second group is dramatically smaller. Most JWs use the meetings at the KH as a social setting. So when you go to your last meeting, it will seem strange because you will probably have little or no contact with the first group.

    I always think real friends are like Jonathan whose father was trying to kill Jonathan's best friend David. Jonathan defied his father several times to support his friend. It didn't matter to Jonathan that he had lost the kingship to David. It didn't matter to Jonathan that his own father almost killed him, his own son. Jonathan knew his father was wrong and the God did not support him.

    So Matty and minimus, and the others like us, if we want to do the slow fade, we have to be patient but forward moving, and honest with ourselves that this will not be without pain or casualties of some kind.

    Blondie(who is not going to another assembly)

  • expatbrit

    Hey Matty:

    Don't be too hasty to draw attention to yourself by actively terminating your School membership. As you know, it will put you into line for some serious questioning.

    That being said, you don't have to give the damn talks either. Since you're missing quite a few meetings now, why not continue and accelerate that trend for a few months. When you have a talk, just don't turn up. At this point, depending on the rabidity of the school overseer, you may get some phone calls etc. Screen 'em out. Avoid, avoid, avoid the elders and their kingdom!

    This is the method I used. I did eventually, after deciding never to go to another meeting, telephone the school overseer. I did it on a meeting night, of course, so I could leave a message on his machine. The message was "hi this is Expatbrit. I would like to be taken off the school list for a while. I will let you know when I wish to be put back on to it." He got the message.

    Sneaky? Damn right! It's necessary when you're dealing with a cult that holds your family hostage against you.

    Best wishes,


  • Lindy

    Geez, it is like reading about myself and many others here. I felt like that for years, and years, almost drove me nuts. I knew for a long time something was really wrong, but didn't think it was the "truth". You are taught if you doubt, it is you that has the problem. I started to fade away because I couldn't stand the crap anymore, and then one day I got on line and the rest is history. I slowly stopped going even more and then moved into another territory and stopped altogether. So now I am "inactive" and no one comes looking anymore. It took a long time, a couple years, to finally get myself together, and I started college at the age of 51 and still going. It is wonderful. I have met my group of buds there, I love my life now. Made all new friends, except the "worldly" ones I had before I left, and life is wonderful. Change doesn't happen overnight, so give yourself time to work it all out. If shit comes down, deal with it head on, and walk away...Then pick yourself up slowly and move on. There is way to much out here in REAL life to waste anymore of it in "fantasy land". I don't come on this site much anymore...so I hope I am not offending you, but you seem to be getting yourself together, and it is my feeling that you will be alright....just need some reassurance that you are NOT being phony, and that things WILL work out in time.....They do.....best of life to you!

    As Always,

    Lindy (Aunty----Antique)

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