Excluded. How did/does exclusion make you feel?

by Celtic 32 Replies latest jw friends

  • teejay

    It hurt me so bad and so deeply that years later I don't have a problem admitting that, not only am I not over it even now... I may NEVER get over it. After trying so hard for so long and for them to kick me out like that? Tell me I'm not welcome? Man!

    Ask anybody that knows me: I'm the ultimate practical thinker. I tend to OVER-analyze everything. I did the same when I was df'd. Mentally, I figured out all of the politics that played into it... you know, the usual stuff that. Even so, it hurt like hell. Scarred my heart and my soul. Forever.

  • kat7302

    ((((((all of you))))))))

    Im still in counselling for the way it made me feel but not really getting anywhere. I think its worse that being brought up a JW, it is almost a kind of conditional love and thats hard for any human to bear. You dont want to let family and friends down but at the same time, you have to live your life the way you need to. Either way, you end up getting hurt and somewhere along the line, you get lost. Thats about where I am and have been for the last ten years. I just am lost, thats the only way I can describe it. Im a mum and fine in that department but when it comes to being me, I dont really know who that is most of the time. Im so used to putting on an act for people that it takes over after a while and therefore, the real me got hidden way down beneath the layers of everything others wanted me to be.

    My only advice is to hang in there, you can waste too much time looking backwards when nothing can be done to change it......be proud to be you


  • anewlife

    Been DF'd for a little over 2 years now.

    I was there for the announcement as it was "what I should do." (Still trying to please the unpleasable!) I continued for about 6 weeks being at EVERY meeting, taking the rejection, the eye contact avoidance, the whispering. Finally after 6 weeks of this....I went home and had a good long cry and asked myself, "What the hell am I putting myself through this for? They've already done everything they could possibly do to me and STILL I'll never measure up even if they ever reinstate me!" So I QUIT!!! I told myself that's it....NO MORE! I can tell you, literally, this HUGE LOAD AND BURDEN, was off my shoulders...no kidding. I could actually feel the weight come right off. Every night previously my neck and shoulders would ache and I'd wake up in pain. It has now been gone for two years! AMAZING, don't you think!

    For the first year and a half running into someone in a store or something was very painful I admit. I'd walk away and think about it for hours, sometimes days. Now, I either look at it one of two ways...depending on the individual. Either they're just so brainwashed by the Society that they have no control over their own thoughts and feelings or they're just putting themselves in an elevated position to make themselves feel better about where they are in life. Either way, it's their loss, because I'm the happy one and will NEVER go back!

    BUGS: I had a dear friend who was DF'd one year prior to me. I did the typical shunning of her even before the announcement was made and she had even done anything other than decide she didn't want to be a part of it anymore and wanted out of her marriage to a ministerial servant. When I chose my course, I immediately contacted her. She welcomed me with open arms and a huge hug without one word of judgement or condemnation. We've been closer than ever ever since!! (I apologized to her immediately for my behavior and all she said was, "don't worry about it, I did it to others too before I was DF'd and I understand." ) What a TRUE friend. We're now more like sisters. She's ShaunaC on the forum and was the one who brought me to everyone here.....NOW THAT'S A REAL FRIEND.

  • anewlife

    (((((((((((((((((Kat7032))))))))))))))))) to you too!

    I, too, have had to address this in counseling. Believe me, it eventually helps and it gets better. Focus on your children's happiness, but take time for yourself. Now is YOUR time to have a life. You now longer have to answer to anyone and once you really, truly realize that, I promise you, you'll feel even better!

    Cheryl - anewlife

  • Granny Linda
    Granny Linda

    Even as a youngster growing up in that filthy religion I never felt as though I fit in anywhere. School was a joke; pretty much thought I was seriously retarded. I came to realize over the recovering years that indeed I was "socially retarded," my description anyhow. Stunted would be a nicer term these days.

    After 32 years "out", the other day I broke down and cried because it dawned on me that it's a very difficult thing understanding unconditional love...as my husband displays towards me. Took me by surprise when I broke down and had to admit after all these years, the damage done was real and perhaps lasting. The mind tells me it's ok...I've laid alot of issues too rest, but every now and then the old demons come haunting.

    It's no surprise to many of us why we never had children, or perhaps that only child, such as I did. A son that has had his share of problems. Although he went to live with his dad at age 12, the year I would find recovery, I tell him over and over how proud I am of him. (He was born in the infamous year 1975). There is so much love between us now, especially with him having children that I do my best to spoil :) and will hopefully never know the anguish of being JW. I do tend to ramble at times.

    Guess I want to say that there is nothing my son cannot tell me. I would not/could not shun him. And I knew I'd come a long way when we had some serious issues to deal with a year ago and I didn't fall apart; neither did I have a need to shame and belittle him.

    Those were key elements I was forced to look at. Never being good enough, never fitting in with the 'in-crowd, etc. Actually apologizing to outsiders about not judging JW's by my behavior since I was df. That's so ridiculous now thinking back. But sure felt responsible to keep that 'clean' image alive. Some are sicker then others...I was one of the sicker one's, but find humor has helped.

    Today I'm more of a loner than not. But it's by choice. My greatest joy are the grandchildren. I'm learning what unconditional love is. And it certainly goes contrary to anything preached by JW's.

    Granny, who probably got longwinded and side tracked.

  • Francois

    'Pends on who was doing it. When it was R & F JWs, I didn't give a crap. I'd just walked out on the whole bunch of them.

    I expected more from my extended family. My uncle, after all was an organic research chemist and a concert pianist. At the time, I was a physicist. I was playing a game and he was serious. He was an elder and his entire sense of self worth was wrapped up in it. This is because he was a hen-pecked husband who was not only dominated by his wife, but by his old gray mother as well. In other words, he had zip for elder qualifications.


  • gravedancer

    it depends on whether I care about those doing the "excluding"

  • bigfloppydog

    Being shunned is very devastating. I left on my own, handed in a letter and I guess the announcement was made. My best bud OFC was still in the org. once we met outside the Doctors office, one leaving, one going to. I called out her name, and she just looked at me I thought with total disgust. I guess I caught her by surprise. Later, I learned she had left the org. I tried for a month to find out where she was living. Finally when we did come in contact with each other, we arranged to meet with each other. We greeted each other with open arms, and many tears. We have not looked back since, and we are and probably will always be best buds. Luv Ya OFC.

  • outoftheorg

    Well it was this way.

    In the beginning I felt like they were trying to demean me and it made me angry. If it was one of the arrogant elders and he ignored me as we passed, I may say something like "there is that self righteous SOB" and pause to see if he wanted to pursue it. They never did.

    Later I got over the anger and now I chuckle or laugh out loud when they see me. There is an elder in town that knows my never a jw wife. If he sees us in a restaurant he will say hello to her and ignore me. Last time he did that I said out loud for all to hear "THAT IS BROTHER HOLIER THAN THOU" "HE IS A JEHOVAHS WITNESS ELDER". And chuckeled out loud. I haven't seen him in there again.

    Another time one of the elders was at a table in another restaurant and what looked to be a ms was sitting with him with his back to us. I saw the elder whispering to the ms and the ms turned clear around in his chair several times to stare at me.

    So I said to my wife I am going to have some fun here, you watch. I got up and looking at the ms I strode directly over to him. He got this "oh shit" look of fear on his face. I walked up to where my hip was touching his shoulder and could feel him shake. I reached across the table to the elder and took his hand in a shake and said "I hear you have been under the weather" "wanted to let you know we are praying for you" The elder didn't know what to say but "thanks".

    Since then I calmed down and only smile or chukle at them

    I feel it is their loss if they want to behave this way.

  • Celtic

    Thankyou everyone for your comments, my apologies for being responsible to bring tears to one or two of your eyes, this was not my intention, but hope the tears shed, helped in alleviating your pain expressed. Thankyou everyone that commented. You all gave me further personal insight upon the issues, assisting me in my understanding especially related to my workplace scenarios.

    Celtic Mark - Cornwall UK

Share this