Even as a youngster growing up in that filthy religion I never felt as though I fit in anywhere. School was a joke; pretty much thought I was seriously retarded. I came to realize over the recovering years that indeed I was "socially retarded," my description anyhow. Stunted would be a nicer term these days.
After 32 years "out", the other day I broke down and cried because it dawned on me that it's a very difficult thing understanding unconditional love...as my husband displays towards me. Took me by surprise when I broke down and had to admit after all these years, the damage done was real and perhaps lasting. The mind tells me it's ok...I've laid alot of issues too rest, but every now and then the old demons come haunting.
It's no surprise to many of us why we never had children, or perhaps that only child, such as I did. A son that has had his share of problems. Although he went to live with his dad at age 12, the year I would find recovery, I tell him over and over how proud I am of him. (He was born in the infamous year 1975). There is so much love between us now, especially with him having children that I do my best to spoil :) and will hopefully never know the anguish of being JW. I do tend to ramble at times.
Guess I want to say that there is nothing my son cannot tell me. I would not/could not shun him. And I knew I'd come a long way when we had some serious issues to deal with a year ago and I didn't fall apart; neither did I have a need to shame and belittle him.
Those were key elements I was forced to look at. Never being good enough, never fitting in with the 'in-crowd, etc. Actually apologizing to outsiders about not judging JW's by my behavior since I was df. That's so ridiculous now thinking back. But sure felt responsible to keep that 'clean' image alive. Some are sicker then others...I was one of the sicker one's, but find humor has helped.
Today I'm more of a loner than not. But it's by choice. My greatest joy are the grandchildren. I'm learning what unconditional love is. And it certainly goes contrary to anything preached by JW's.
Granny, who probably got longwinded and side tracked.