Looking over shoulder...............

by Perfection Seeker 18 Replies latest jw experiences

  • LB

    Melissa I'm glad you found us. Before I turned into a smartass I really found this site to be a huge help to me. I got many e-mails from people who gave me very honest and heartfelt answers. Stick around.

  • Prisca

    Perfection Seeker, are you sure we're not related somehow? Your comments are very much like mine. Fortunately for me my family dont live nearby, but even if they did, I am now at the stage where I'd say "it's my house, if you don't like it, there's the door..."

    I love your husband's little joke with the pumpkin is a classic! I would have loved to have seen your mother's face!

  • Adonai438

    Hi again Melissa :)

    Oh yeah-- although I am certainly not ashamed of being an exdub or that I have tons of resources and research for my book and support groups I help with I do have some modesty when family comes over. Mainly since its my aunt and her 4 kids and I don't want to hurt the kids feelings by making them think I don't like them or something. I always have to sweep my entire desk contents into a drawer and hope they don't see too much when the kids use my computer :)

    I also notice a distinct lack of visits with my family around holiday time because of the decorations too-- and the fact that there is a nativity just makes them seethe with disgust.

  • CC Ryder
    CC Ryder

    Hey Seeker...Tink and I did the over the shoulder thing for the first few months....then....gradually we relaxed....We moved away from our families area though and we had only two visits....(I think my father had them come by to see if there was any "hope")...Tink handled both times...I was at work...first time was two sisters ,,,kinda young...she talked awhile...Our Christmas tree beaming in back of her....but they came back with the "Matronly older sister"....you know the ones that GLOW with the knowledge of Jehovah...LOLOL....She laid into all three of them....real good..and on their way down the walk...Tink said...."Oh...by the way...you know those little house-to-house record sheets you guys have...make sure you put in big capital letters DO NOT CALL"...That was that...never heard from them again...

    Things will eventually come to a head Seeker....your boldness will build up and you'll just get sick and tired of the cloak and dagger shit...Your doing fine....Hang in there......CC

  • jst2laws

    Hello Perfection Seeker

    I can relate to your post. Fortunately my wife and children have come along, so when a service group are a "loving shepherd" drops by we all go into a frenzy to sanitize the house. We have a large house and have been known for our hospitality so this is not a rare occasion. While someone checks the kitchen counter and the living-room coffee tables and couches another can answer the door and lead the Dub only to the 'cleared' rooms.

    What is worse is when my sons JW friends come over. I would like to say they visit because they love us but I'm sure the high speed cable connection and three online computers is a factor. With my wife and my Bethel background and many loyal years in service we even get present and past Bethelites over. One, who's family lives near by and is probably at Bethel because of us, even comes to visit and sometimes stays with us. He works in the computer department at Bethel so guess what, besides the house, has to be sanitized prior to his vacations!

    One area of the house, my office, is absolutely forbidden. I always have some kind of contraband on my desk not to mention a case of Ray Franz's books on the floor and his picture on a shelf.

    Yes, it feels like living a double life but it is not our choice. Just part of the transition in relationships we will have to go through while our friends, and I mean many are friends, get accustomed to their new perception of our state of spirituality.

    Sad state, but at least we are free.


  • Farkel


    You give the medical term "clean room" a whole new dimension!


  • jst2laws


    We used to have 50 to 70 JWs over every Sunday to play volley ball. We have had as many as 8 current Bethelites stay on our home. People I do not remember meeting knock on the door to say "Hello, we met at the Kingdom Hall".

    The word is spread the Jst2laws "has some strange ideas" now. "He is not going to meetings you know!" So it is not as difficult as it used to be.

    BTW, I started a new thread (rare for me lately) about feeling guilty for tricking the dubs.


    Yeh! I know my slow progress has been disappointing to you. But look how far we have come!


  • Farkel


    : Yeh! I know my slow progress has been disappointing to you.

    Whatever-in-the-world would would make you think that? My own exit process took several years and I'm in no position to be disappointed about how anyone decides to deal with their exit process from the WTS or even if they decide to remain a JW. Now, if I was getting a sales commission or brownie points from God for each dub I helped out, that would be a different matter!


  • Sentinel

    Hi Melissa,

    Gosh, your post is such an honest one. We've all been there. They seem to be bombarding you for some reason, and I think that reason is, they feel like if they keep showing up, and you keep "letting them in", then there is "still hope" for you to get back in the fold.

    Girl, I think you might just need to deliberately not answer the door. Sounds mean and nasty, but it's not. Just because a phone is ringing or a doorbell is ringing, or someone is trying to get your attention, YOU DON'T HAVE TO RESPOND. One day, you will suddely say to yourself,"I don't give a hoot what they think or what they say or what they do, they have no power over me, only the power I give them, and I will give them none."

    I used to "pretend" so much around my borg mother, that I hated myself. But, I didn't want a confrontation, and so that's what I did, in situations where I felt I had no choice. BUT, in my own home, I had the choice. I did fear what she would think of me. I feared the lies that might be going around, simply because I chose not to go to meetings, out in service, etc., etc. I was riddled with indecision about how to "pretend", and how far I should go. AND, I had a young child caught up in things as well. Sometimes, we would head out for a meeting that I really didn't want to go to, and then I would turn to my son while driving and say, "how about you and I just stopping at the drug store for a soda?". I would ask him if he wanted to go to the meeting, and he would of course not know what to say, and so I would take his indicision as the go ahead to NOT go. I didn't feel a bit guilty about it, although, one of those times, a JW friend happened to be in the drug store getting some medicine for a bad cold. They saw me and waived, and I got a lump in my throat, but there was no confrontation. They never said a word about it later.

    Eventually, I just didn't like living a lie, and so I made the final decision to depart the borg. During all the period of time of my "troubles" and missing meeting, etc., there were no sheperding calls whatsoever. (They visited me AFTER I had made my decision and had written my disassociation letter to the congregation and to the WT Headquarters in NY.) I stated everything in my letter, and asked that the letter to the congregation be read outloud, just as they had df'd me years earlier, outloud before everyone. This time, it was on my terms. They told me later that they would never have read that letter outloud to the congregation!

    I suppose they are going to continue to visit you until you find a way to say NO, either by doing it verbally to their face, or by simply not answering the door. I realize that these are your relatives, but these calls are being made, not as family, but as borg, in total mass. You have quite a challenge to face, with so many in your family still in the borg, and using this as a way to get to you.

    When you start behaving like you have a mind, like you have a choice, the tables will begin to turn slightly, and they will be the ones fearing you. They will avoid having any conversations out in public. They will stop coming to your home. They will cross the street when visual contact is first made.

    Fearing the Org is perfectly natural. It is the Org that does all the humiliating and df'g and public shunning. The org has damaged so many good people. God/creator does not behave this way. Simply choosing to believe what your heart is telling you is right, is not sin. Your conscience protects you and guides you.

    I can tell from your various posts that you are becoming stronger. It's a long hard journey, but well worth the effort, I assure you. You will eventually learn to trust yourself and your instincts. You will have a freedom and peace that those in the org can't have while they are borg.

    Yes, no doubt, we will begin to see many of our friends here on this forum. They just have to make their own decisions about their own lives. We can help them here. We can show them friendship, acceptance, and love.


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