JW Dad talks to me,talks to me not

by mommy1 31 Replies latest jw experiences

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  blacksheep

  Spidey,

  (believe me, the nickname fits me!). Thanks for the observation and your comments. I think you're right on. What I think is so difficult for me to objectively conclude is the fact that my mom, a classic JW seems to "strong" in the "truth." My apologist dad touts her for having courageously endured "opposition" all these years. He attributes a certain strength of character to her staying a witnesses. I believe personally the reverse is true. But regardless, it's hard for me to rationalize such hot/cold behavior from someone who obviously thinks she has all the answers to life.

  Being out of the borg so long, like most people, I guess I have developed a certain strength of mind (which generally is much more possible when your not living your life according to the WTS (oh, but of course being free to make "conscience" decisions, guided of course by WTS principles....hah). So, I guess it's hard for me to accept this obvious weakness of character they have in struggling with just how to DEAL with me. They cannot be upfront. They also face the pressure, if you will, of being "loving mom/sister" while at the same time not really approving of me and making sure I am aware of this. They love their grandchildren, but of course, always have to keep in mind that they are doomed right along with their mother unless they accept the "truth" which isn't likely to happen, since they cannot influence them like they MUST be allowed to in order to make them good JW's. (BTW, how can you really LOVE someone who "doesn't love Jehovah???).

  Yeah, I agree. It must be a tremendous struggle. Created by the cultic WTS. I resent it because I DID have the strength of mind to leave it, and am free from the psychological acrobats you have to do to STAY in it. They make it SO blasted complicated for families who just don't fit the perfect little witness family profile (the vast majority of JWs).

  Although I'm very sorry if they chose to cut me off all together, at least I'd respect their wishes and know where they stood. My oldest is only 2, so he's still pretty young, but he will be asking questions soon. Why doesn't grandma celebrate "x." for example. If my mom thinks the relationship's complex now, it's a piece of cake compared to what it will be soon.

  Funny. When you get right down to it, the JW behavior, esp with their da'd/df'd family members just doesn't stand up well under objective scrutiny. They're the ones who have to HIDE what they are really being told to do. The psychological somersaults are merely a manifestation of that.

  Thanks again...
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  blacksheep

  Minimus, interesting observation about the potential hardline trend of late. I was wondering if that might be the case, since my sister (whose married to an elder) seems to have REALLY minimized her contact with me to an extreme. Obviously, it tees me off to no end, and it will end up having the opposite effect which it's probably intended to have (why would I want to embark on a futile pursuit of "love" from family members whose love is conditioned upon something I can NEVER demonstrate??? It will mean a total severing of ties. If that's what they want, so be it).

  Mommy1, in reading your post, I think I detect a common theme in your interactions that I share with my relatives. Maybe I'm reading into it. But it seems that your dad is playing "the relationship's on my terms" game. That is, he'll bait you with friendly calls/behavior to try to get YOU to initiate the interactions. He may even reward you when you DO take the bait. Then, shortly thereafter, he starts demonstrating behavior that is designed to show how HE'S in control: you are dependent on HIM, not the other way around. That way he maintains psychological control. As an added plus, he can always justify maintaining a relationship with his da/df'd daughter because she NEEDS dad emotionally. (I remember reading before I left, one of WTS pubs that if DF'd people were in severely emotionally/physically needy situtations, then the JW relatives could assist them. Lovely. Regardless, maybe THAT particularly nuance is no longer the behavior du jour for JWs to df'd family, but, still, it sounds like it would be in the JW's best interest to feel very NEEDED by the df'd relative.

  Needless to say, not healthy. And not atypical behavior for controlling relationships (even non dub relationships, of course). I see this as exactly what my mom/sister are doing, whether conciously or not.

  As we know, JW's behavior is based on control; that's the only way some know how to interact with people. Certainly with DA'd/DF'd people. My view is it takes two to play that game. If one isn't playing it (taking the bait); it is not longer valid. I'm at the point of determining how best NOT to participate in such a game, while retaining, if at all possible, any sort of a dignified, valid, loving family relationship. I think many years ago, I DID actually play into the game a bit: I felt like I needed to talk to my mom a lot, and initiatied conversations. Until I matured a bit more, and saw the situation for what it really was. The net result was that I felt worse about myself after each conversation. So I changed my behavior. Yes, there was a neurotic response from mom, but I decided to let HER deal with HER neuroses. I would work through mine. calling. Obviously, I'm NOT totally comfortable with the relationship, even after all these years (my having kids threw a monkey wrench in the plan for my mom, I"m sure, lol). . But it's really helping to see that I'm not alone....

  Best of luck.