JW Dad talks to me,talks to me not

by mommy1 31 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  SpiderMonkey

  Mommy, I have been through sort of the same thing with my JW mother & sister (my brother seems to be the only one w/ the courage of his convictions; he wrote me one "goodbye" letter & hasn't tried to contact me since). They called or wrote me every 6 months or so, letting me know how their lives were & asking me about mine (I'd moved about 2000 miles away, so not quite the same sitch, but similar). Then *I* tried calling my mother a couple of times, and got the whole "you have to come back to the truth" lecture. After the next few times they called or wrote me, I just decided to do unto them as they do unto me... My sister wrote to say she was getting married, and invited me to the wedding; I wrote back saying, "What's the point? I won't know anyone there, including you, and won't be able to go to the reception, such that we could rectify that situation." Same thing with my mom; my dad had divorced her, and she was getting re-married. She called to ask if I wanted to go to the wedding (in both cases, they offerred to pay my airfare). Why bother? My sister, over the next couple of years, sent me those cutesy-pootsy cards announcing the births of her 2 children, along with short letters. That was the last straw; I wrote to both of them saying that, if they didn't want me in their lives in a *real* way, then they should prove that they really have faith in their beliefs and just stop trying to weasel around the shunning thing. Every time I've seen them since then (I've since moved back), I've tried to be friendly and polite to them & their families, and they end up leaving before anything significant can be said by anyone.

  Not saying this is what you should do in your case; just that personally, I just don't see the point of carrying on a relationship with someone (*anyone*) who thinks you are birdseed, and not worthy of association on the basis of who you are.
• 

  mommy1

  SpiderMonkey, You are so right. It's like they bait you. I recently went to my brother's Jw wedding. I couldn't decide to go or not to go. I went because my brother begged me to go and I know if he wasn't raised in it he would not be a witness. I went in and talked to everyone amd the ones that knew I was disfellowshipped were all nervous talking to me. I even wore a pantsuit. I know the jaws were flapping at the reception.
• 

  Tinkerbell4125

  *Tink hugging Mommy1* Thanks Mommy1, and again, I'm sorry. *shaking head* =:o(

  Spider, your story just made my heart hurt!!! I'm so sorry that you've had to go through the things that you have been through. So many things hit home. Now it's just my siblins and I. Our parents have passed. I have 2 j.w. brothers and 2 j.w. sisters and some non j.w. siblins. Large family! My j.w. siblins and I have had our problems, but we seemed to work them out. I was in contact with them a few weeks back, where I was helping care for a elderly uncle. Since then, our uncle has been moved to a nursing home. I haven't heard from any of them since, no email, nothing. I could email one of them and probably get a civil, non-personal, to the point, brief reply There is NO *Hey Girl, what'cha doing!!!!!!!!... kind of thing, it's to the point.

  The way I'm beginning to look at it is.....I have other siblins that I don't hang out with either, for different reasons, but just the same, it's not healthy, I have a sister that is on drugs really bad. So too me, it's the same thing. It's not that I don't love them, I just think I need to move on. It's like you said Spider, what's the point, or was that Mommy1? I have a d.f.ed brother who is just out there! He dosen't have anything to do with any of us! It's like he said *Screw it, I'm outta here.*

  A couple of years ago, hubby and I moved 2 hours away from everyone, we wanted to start over. We had been through so much, we had to distance ourselves. Being from a small town, it was hard to pull up to a light next to your sister and not even get a wave, ya know? My siblins and I have been through a lot. We lost our dad to suicide in 96 and 2 years later our mother to breast cancer. These are tough issues to discuss, I know, but this is the hand that I was delt, I'm just trying to do the best I can, and find some peace of mind, ya know. I've come a long way. Thanks for listening.

  Tink =:o)
• 

  lisaBObeesa

  SpiderMonkey, you said,

  ******* My sister, over the next couple of years, sent me those cutesy-pootsy cards announcing the births of her 2 children, along with short letters."**************

  I think I totally know what you mean. It is all very nice that my sister sends me these little letters once a year or so, too. Sounds good at first right? How friggin thoughtful of her. Never mind that she doesnt speak to me the other 364 days of the year. Never mind she doesnt care to know me or my kids or our own mother ( our mom is DF, so she doesnt even get a once a year letter!)

  I dont feel any love in these cutesy-pootsy letters. I feel like it is charity. With these little letters once a year she can feel even MORE righteous than she already does. These letters make me want to barf.

  Plus it takes like 6 months to get over all the emotional crap that comes up with each letter and just about that time, the NEXT cutesy-pootsy letter comes!

  ON THE OTHER HAND, half of me feels really bad about feeling this way, and I would like to be able to open one of those cutesy-pootsy letters and just think, How nice! A letter from my sister! It is good to hear from her, and not have that nauseous feeling.

  I think I may be moving toward this because of the post about the latest KM and shunning. When I read that article, I finally accepted that my sister will never, ever, speak to our mom again, and she and I will never have our old relationship back, and it is of no use hoping or waiting or trying to convince her or anything. This is how it is, period.

  A few months ago I really let her have it (told her what I thought of her shunning), and I doubt I will be receiving even the once a year letters.

  Oh well.

  I was trying so hard to keep a relationship with her because I was hoping she would change someday. I was keeping a relationship with a sister I might someday have, not the sister she actually is. Now that I am giving up on the idea of her changing, I am not very sad about loosing the tiny relationship I had with her. The sister she actually is isnt very niceand I wouldnt have had a relationship with her if she werent family.

  Funny thing is, she has been doing the same thing keeping a tiny relationship with me because someday I might change and be a JW (in her dreams!), not because of who I am. We have both been living in a dream world.

  This limbo, dream world time is so very painful. This time where people stay FAKE FRIENDS, waiting for the magic day when they can be REAL friends again.

  I just dont want to do it anymore.

  -LisaBObeesa

  Edited by - LisaBOBeesa on 3 July 2002 16:38:11
• 

  lisaBObeesa

  gotta love that term: cutesy-pootsy!

  -LisaBObeesa
• 

  Debra2112

  Hi, Mommy1! I too had the same situation with both my parents. First my mom turned JW when I was nine. I am now 38 and have 4 great kids. She through my dad out of the home and got rid of all our nice friends. Took me out of Catholic school and sent me to public (where I was teased every day because she told them I couldn't participate in holidays or salute the flag.) To make a long, horrible story short, I stopped going to the KH when I was 15 and moved out when I was 18. My mom has caused me and my family many, many years of heartache and pain. When I was getting married I would get a letter one week saying she is so happy for me and can't wait, then I would get a letter saying I am marrying of the Devil and so would my in-laws. 11 horrible, long years after, I finnally decided that I had enough. I no longer have my mind controlling, selfish, nastey, NEGATIVE, obsessive, filty women in my life. I AM IN PEACE. She too tortured my children and was so mean to them. I wanted her in my life, but I didn't want my children to put up with what I did.

  My Father went on a drinking bindge and never stopped to this day. He, like your father, would call and be all happy (He is not a JW and never was). Then I wouldn't hear from him for months at a time. He didn't live near by. He has hurt my feelnigs my whole life. He was always interested in my troubled brother. He said I could fend for my self and that my brother needed him. Well, I needed him too. Anyway, he moved near me last year and said he can't wait to make up for lost time. He wanted to cook with me and hand out with me at my pool and do things with my kids. It turns out that he just wanted to push my brother on us (he got out of jail 2 years ago) He wanted my husband to give him a job and teach him his flooring business. My father moved 2 miles away. Built a brand new house. He was coming over every week for almost a year. We had nice dinners (all of which I purchased and cooked for him and his wife). He moved into his house and I never saw him for 3 months. My brother told me he didn't want my kids at his new house. Well, did that hurt. Especially when I have a beautiful home. There are no holes in my walls, the paint is not chipped or dirty from kids hands, my furniture is 3, 4 & 5 year old and is still brand new.

  I cannot imagine why my Dad no longer wanted me in his life. It just hurts too much to go back and forth and back and forth. When I did hear from him he was nice (his wife is a witch). Now I have kids asking me why Grandpa George doesn't come around and how come we don't go see him. I don't want my kids to hurt like I did or do. So I stopped it.

  Maybe after you go through it a few more years you will feel the same. Take my advise. Enjoy your beautiful family and forget about those who make you feel bad. Get them out of your life and you will be happier. You probably will still long to have them in your life (like me), but believe me they are not normal and they probably will never be. It is better to be in peace with the pain then in termoil with the pain. It took me 38 years. Don't take that long! Don't accept it! You don't have too. You wouldn't want your kids to go through, don't let yourself. You are a wonderful person. He is missing out on more then you and he doesn't even know it. Like I always say about my Mom - she is dead and just needs to buy a coffin and burry herself.
• 

  Gopher

  Hugs and/or warm regards to all on this thread. Yes the attention shown by JW family is like a "tease", but what they really want is your loyalty to their organization. Organization matters more than family.

  As I write this, I must confess I'm a bit guilty myself. You see, I was DF'd in 2000, but my kid sister DA'd herself in 1984. In those 16 years in between, I missed a lot with her -- she married a nice attorney, bore two very nice kids (my own niece and nephew). But, being the JW that I was, I was HOT and COLD with her. I had a hard time totally cutting her off, after all she knew me as well as anyone else on planet earth. But at the same time, she wasn't making "the right moves" in coming back to the "truth", so I thought. So sometimes months, even a year would go by without me contacting her.

  But the fact is, she was always there for me. And when I suddenly got cut out of the Borg in 2000, she and her husband's family were there for me with open arms! Those evil worldly people, LOL!

  I am so glad my sister didn't hold those years against me, when I would talk to her, and then not. We're reunited and making up for a whole lotta lost time!
• 

  THERESA

  I TOO HAVE MY BROTHER THAT IS A JEHOVA WITNESS HE NO LONGER COMES TO OUR HOUSE AND VISITES US OR GOES TO THE GET TOGETHERS BECAUSE WE ARE FROM THE WORLD WORLY PEOPLE HE DOESNT LET HIS KIDS PLAY WITH MINE OR THE OTHER I FEEL BAD FOR MY KIDS AND HIS KIDS BECAUSE THEY USED TO BE SO CLOSE NAD SOMETIMES THEY GET SAD , WHEN THEY DONT OBEY THE RULES THEY GET GROUNDED AND HE MAKES THEM READ THERE BIBLE FOR TWO HOURS THERE STEPMOM IS JEHOVA WITNESS TOO IT HURTS ME ALOT TO SEE THAT HE ALSO STOPPED TALKING TO HIS 17 YEAR OLD FROM HIS FIRST MARRAIGE BECAUSE SHE WOULD NOT GET BAPTISTED I FEEL REALLY BAD FOR THEM AND IT BREAKS MY HEART ! WE ALL GREW UP IN THIS CULT BUT RESENTLY HE GOT BAPTISED THIS JUNE AND HE SO DEVOTED AND SO BRAIN WASHED HE LOST COMMUNICATION FROM ME TOO BECAUSE I WOULD NOT GO INTO THE RELIGION , MY MOM I A JW TOO BUT SHE STILL DOES ALOT OF THINGS WITH ME OLY BECAUSE SHE DEPENDS ALOT ON ME I DO ALL HER PAYMENTS , TAKE HER TO THE STORE BECAUSE SHE DONT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE SHE ALLWAYS INSULTS ME TOO OVER THE RELIGION SHE ALLWAYS TELLS ME IM VERY WRONG AND ALLWAYS MAKES ME FEEL BAD , I TRY TO IGNORE EVERYTHING AND OUT OF MY GOOD HEART NO MATTER WHAT SHE IS MY MOTHER AND I KNOW GOD WILL BLESS ME SOME DAY BECAUSE HE THE ONLY ONE THAT KNOWS US INSIDE AND OUT AS FOR MY BROTHER ITS HIS LOST AND I HOPE REALIZE TO LATE IIIIII
• 

  Gopher

  Theresa,

  Welcome to the board. It's so good of you that you keep helping your mom with her chores, even though she insults you for not becoming a JW. I know it isn't easy.

  But where's this brother of yours when it comes time to help your mom? Even though he has a family to care for, doesn't the Bible say you're supposed to take care of those who are your own? So you're being more Christian (in helping your JW mother) than he is!

  At least you can tell the difference between "being religious" like your JW family members are, and really showing love. Keep it up.

  P.S. -- Next time turn off the "CAPS LOCK" key. It is viewed as "yelling" when you post in all capital letters. Just a friendly tip.

  Gopher
• 

  animal

  Lets see... the woman that bore me didnt know if I was dead or alive from 1975 or so thru when my wife had our son in 1985. When she called, I asked her what was up... she said she cared. What went thru that phone line after that statement I am not allowed to type per Simons rules. Needless to say, we dont talk now much (she is active again).

  My kids grew up knowing "grammy (my mothers name) wasnt my favorite person. They asked why, I told them flat out why. I doubt they like JW's either, ever.

  Before you ask... no, I dont like or miss my folks. Like they used to tell me, they made thier bed, they can sleep in it.

  Animal