??? what would you change ??? (page 3)

Naeblis

Nothing. Any changes would make me not me.

Imbue

Naebs says: Nothing. Any changes would make me not me.

hmm... we wouldn't want you to be any different .. not in the least...

I feel the same way...I have no regrets... even about getting dunked. I like the person I've become regardless of my past. Besides, we can't change the past and we can't change other people. So, why speculate on how things might have been if only...

Edited by - imbue on 29 June 2002 0:37:36

Windchaser

The changes I would want are these: I would have been a better mother. I would have been closer to my children and have given them more of my time. I would have been a better daughter and spent more time with my mother. I wouldn't have been so self-absorbed. I would have married better. I would have married men who were more mature and less screwed up. I would have been nicer to my friends and taken things less personally. I would have pursued the things I really loved, rather than living in a shell. I wouldn't have been so fearful. I would have had more love, more compassion, more understanding, more self-worth.

rmayer32

I would have stayed in the Navy the second set of 10 years and got the pension instead of getting out after 10 years

-Rick

larc

I agree with Naeblis and Imbue. We can't change what we were and what we have become. You could say that your life could have been better if you were in a different place, well yeh, but it could have been worse. Life dealt us some cards, and all we can do is play them. I remember, one time when I was morose and thinking about the "what ifs". It occured to me that if it wasn't for the bad fork in the road, the bad choice, other good things would not have happened. We are all, "looking through a glass darkly." - both in terms of where we came from and where we are going. So, I would ask another question. What would you change right now. If it is important to you, then by all means, change it.

terafera

I used to say what Naebs said.... thought anything different wouldnt be my life. But there is one thing I would change..if given the chance.

My mother took my brother and I to Alaska after leaving my dad back in Hawaii. He had been disfellowshipped for alcoholism. She was a controlling, abusive and violent jw woman who beat him down mentally and emotionally. When she took his kids, he disintegrated. My sister (who was grown up and lived 10 miles from him) said he was getting pretty bad. He was now homeless and talking crazy. After 5 years my mother took my brother and I back to Hawaii where we had grown up. I was so nervous about seeing my dad... would he recognize me? It had been 5 years... I was 10 when I left, now I was a 15 year old.. a maturing woman. I didnt see him the whole trip. Two nights before leaving, I was packing my suitcase at my sisters house and heard my brother say 'dad's here! dad's here!'

My face grew hot. Could I handle it?? My daddy!! I wanted to run to him... bury my face in his belly and feel his strong arms wrap around me...the arms of a carpenter skilled in his trade for over 30 years. I hear my sister open the door. 'Oh....its you, dad. Come in....I guess.' she says, looking away. I peek down the hall and view someone that had claimed my dad's body.. this wasnt my dad. Standing there was a shadow of the man I knew. Instead of the stocky Irishman with wild blue eyes I saw a thin man, his face lined with wrinkles, his curly hair matted and the smell coming off of him that could choke you.

'I just came back from directing a movie in Hollywood!' he exclaims to my sister. 'Oh yeah?' she blandly replied. 'Oh yeah, i'm going to get paid alot of money...they really need me!' 'Dad, I dont believe you..' she said, turning away from him. His shoulders slumped as he looked down, not understanding why no-one believed this wonderful story that the effects of alcohol brain-damage had conjured.

'Dad, we're getting ready to leave. I'm sorry...but you should probably get going,' I heard my sister tell him. I kept the door cracked open, just enough to see the outline of him, not enough for him to notice that I was watching.

My little brother, Mike, stood smiling in front of him. 'Dad, this is Michael, remember him?' she said, loudly. My dad looked at him with a blank face. 'Oh sure, yea, how ya doing?' he chuckled, extending his hand to my brother as if meeting him for the first time. I knew he probably didnt know who this little kid was, standing in front of him.

'Well dad, nice see you. You can come back when it's a better time,' my sister said, opening the door. I paused. I wanted to throw open the door, run to him, throw my arms around him, scream out how much I missed him. Have him call me 'Dolly Debba' like he used to. How would I handle it, in front of my family, if he didnt recognize me?? What if he looked at me blankly? Would I crumble, fall apart and cry hysterically?? I didnt know what to do...so I closed the door and sat down. I heard the front door close and my father's footsteps going down the porch stairs. 'Whew! He sure did stink!! How demonic!!' my mother ranted, waving her hands over her face and grabbing a can of Glade.

I sat there, frozen, in shock. I was too embarrassed to see what my father had turned in to. I was to embarrassed to let my family see me hurt...to have them see my dad not know me. I left Hawaii two days later and headed back for Alaska.

A year and half later, the phone rang. It was my sister. She was crying and said my dad's body was found at the beach. It looked like someone beat him up pretty badly, possibly for some money. He was found lying face down in the ocean by a jogger. He had probably been drunk... his body looked really bad.

That's my regret... that I never said goodbye to him. I never ran to him and said I loved him. He had a life full of people rejecting him, from his father and mother, my mother, later the jws when he was disfellowshipped...and now his daughter.

I will regret that till the day I die.

Edited by - terafera on 29 June 2002 3:36:55

Edited by - terafera on 29 June 2002 3:40:48

JG

Tera

I'm a 32 year old man probably on another continent from you but, I sit here crying as I read your story. Contrary to what the dubs say there is conscience after death. No Soul sleep no grave of unconsciencness. Tell your dad goodbye now or how about hello. Tell him you love him feel free to talk to him I do all of the time. I love you and your Dad loves you You are a beautifull soul. Take some time and talk to him.

Sean

Love in Christ

and my first Internet Hug (((((((Tera)))))))

terafera

Sean,

wow. I cant tell you what it meant to hear those words. Thank you so much. Actually, that was the hardest post I've ever written. I would stop and burst out crying but keep going...I think some part of me needed to share it with someone.

Thank you for listening...I've never talked to my dad, but maybe that will help, somehow. I pray everyday for forgiveness at my callousness in how I treated him. I only hope that whatever God has in store for him, he is blessed beyond belief for the life he endured.

Thank you so much.

(((Sean)))

With love, Deb

Windchaser

Good point, Larc. What I would change right now? My inability to sleep at night.

zev

i'll be back to post mine after i think about how i wanna word it.

terafera, that was very moving. thanks for sharing it with everyone. i know it must have been hard to write it.

((((( terafera)))))

i'm off to see my sister get married, so i'll bbl with "my" post

??? what would you change ???

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