Are you socially retarded? - For the newbies

by Billygoat 70 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Xena

  Thank you for posting what you did Andi...nice to know you aren't alone.

  I had a co-worker that I interact with a lot tell me the other day that I seemed somewhat "antisocial" when we go out. In the past I have also been told then when I go out I seem "unapproachable". In explaining to her about my upbringing and reading your post I learned a lot about myself.

  As a JW I wasn't allowed to interact with anyone who wasn't a JW. They were bad. It is just recently that I have felt comfortable going out with co-workers after work for a beer. But I notice I still tend to distance myself from people...it's funny how deeply ingrained the JW teaching are, isn't it?

  And even though I did socialize somewhat as JW with other JW's it was in a very restricted environment. You go to a "get-to-gether" and you have to watch everything you do...one to many drink...dance a little to risque...dress a little short... and you may end up in a back room explaining yourself. So you tend to learn to regulate yourself. I notice myself sitting back most of the time and watching other people have fun...I have a very hard time joining in and mixing.

  I think self-analysis like this is very important, it helps us understand why we are the way we are and learn from it and if we feel so inclined change the way we are.....

  lol I am moving forward...but sometimes it feels like baby steps Just when you think you over the JW thing something totally unrelated comes up that makes you realize you have these "issues" due to some deep rooted thinking process that is related to your being brought up a certain way....can you ever totally take the JW out of a person?????
• 

  dannyboy

  Andi,

  My two cents: I, too can identify very much with your posts. It's comforting to be reminded that others experienced much the same kind of upbringing and pains.

  I lurk a lot around here, and seldom have anything to add, but this thread really moved me.

  Oh, to be able to start my life over again.

  Instinctively I know I should forgive (my parents) and move-on, but as others have said far better than me, it's not always quite so simple. I have resentment over missing out on a normal childhood, especially. I know I'm socially inept and backward, but I'm trying hard to figure it all out. Did they intentionally set out to make my childhood a living hell? Well, they were doing what they thought God wanted (weren't we all), but it would be easier perhaps to accept if they now acknowledged the mistakes/misguided way things were done.

  A friend has told me I need to "mourn" a while longer for what I feel I've missed or lost out on, then I will be more inclined to do the forgiving. I hope this will happen.

  Thanks so much for starting this thread.

  Dan
• 

  Billygoat

  Xena,

  I can see why some people would think of you that way. I just thought you were a little shy to start off, but you warmed up very quickly. But shy and all you are very easy to talk to and very charming! But I'm a lot like you - I get nervous in social situations with people I don't know well. Around my friends you probably can't shut me up! LOL! But with clients, business associates, or friends of friends I feel uncomfortable. I force myself to ask lots of questions and find a common ground. Before I know it we find something in common and are feeling friendly. I really do think the key to socializing well is learning to be a good "interviewer." It makes them feel more at ease because it's less work to answer questions than to ASK them. If they feel at ease, I feel at ease. I'm in sales so I have lots of practice too!

  Dannyboy,

  I'm glad you can identify. I was hoping someone would. I think what you said is so, so, so on target!!!

  A friend has told me I need to "mourn" a while longer for what I feel I've missed or lost out on, then I will be more inclined to do the forgiving. I hope this will happen.

  Mourning is such a HUGE part of healing. If you don't do it, healing really never takes place. That's why I take issue with people/friends/counselors that say to "just get over it" or "suck it up". That's just ignoring the real issue. Accepting and talking about and GOING THROUGH the loss is the only way to GET OVER IT. Don't sell yourself short and don't let anyone rush you. Heal on your own time and you'll heal FASTER! Thanks for coming out of lurk mode today!

  Bug,

  My fiance's mom is a foster for Golden Retriever Rescue. She's got three doggies of her own (a Golden, a black lab, and a Newfie) but she always has a foster on hand too. Neil has two cats. We're all huge animal lovers! I think because animals are so unconditionally loving. No matter what you do they love you. I think there is a lesson to be learned there! I've heard mourning is deeper with a pet than with a human because there is never any baggage with a pet; nothing but unconditional love to miss.

  Neil and I are still trying to figure out a way to incorporate our "blended" family once we marry. I have two dogs and he has two cats. I think we should just put them in the house together while we're on our honeymoon - let them duke it out! Just kidding! Henry is a little mutt. We think he's got schnauzer and silky terrier in him. Like I said, a little ragamuffin with a big smile. I love it when he wants to play and he "bows" onto his front legs and acts like he's about to pounce on me. It's cute! Especially knowing he wasn't very playful when I first got him. I've tried to post a picture of him, but it never works.

  Andi
• 

  BugParadise

  I think because animals are so unconditionally loving. No matter what you do they love you. I think there is a lesson to be learned there! I've heard mourning is deeper with a pet than with a human because there is never any baggage with a pet; nothing but unconditional love to miss.

  Oh yes I believe that as well! That is the worst and hardest part of my job is having to put the animals to sleep. :( Especially hard when they are a family pet for 15 + years. Many of our clients have them cremated and save their ashes just like with humans. I always encourage them to get another pet. |This is especially helpful for our old clients and seems to brighten them up .. I've seen some of the old clients get physically ill after losing a pet so I try just about anything I can to cheer them up. I am now a cat owner with 4 inside already and who knows how many more will come ..lol I can't help but take them home if they are injured and can still live a quality life. All 4 are little living miracles. ps.. A big thumbs up to your future Mother in law!

  Neil and I are still trying to figure out a way to incorporate our "blended" family once we marry. I have two dogs and he has two cats. I think we should just put them in the house together while we're on our honeymoon - let them duke it out! Just kidding! Henry is a little mutt. We think he's got schnauzer and silky terrier in him. Like I said, a little ragamuffin with a big smile. I love it when he wants to play and he "bows" onto his front legs and acts like he's about to pounce on me. It's cute! Especially knowing he wasn't very playful when I first got him. I've tried to post a picture of him, but it never works.
  

  He sounds wonderful! Terrier/schnauzer is a great mix! What you can try (which may sound a bit extreme) but if you have a room you can put up a make shift screen door and put the cats in there and the dogs on the other side and let them yet used to each through the safety of the screen. This also allows the scents to mingle and they get used to each other that way. Then they may become the best of friends and you will have hours of entertainment. Dogs and cats together are hilarious! And of course Pets are great for lifting your spirits! Congratulations on your upcoming marriage and I wish you all the happiness in the world! Hope you can post that picture soon .. Henry sounds adorable!

  ~Bugs

  aka Patty
• 

  LDH

  Andi,

  This is such a great topic...I just didn't want to jump in the middle there.

  First of all, let me say that I really enjoyed all of your stories. They were so touching and I'll tell ya, truth *IS* stranger than fiction.

  I do have a suggestion for some of you. I won't give it all away because I'm working on a rather lengthy essay entitled "Why most XJW won't thrive." But I will tell you that you need a mentor.

  The best way you can go about this is by getting involved in a cause that is dear to your heart. Let the group leader know you would love to help, but be honest about your social past. Ask for assistance. I bet you will find a TON of evil worldlings who are more than willing to help you.

  Lisa
• 

  yrs2long

  Hmmm,

  I'm thinking of getting a cam but meanwhile, I would be VERY interested in seeing your pic. Won't you kindly point me to the thread that contains said pic? ;)
• 

  Hmmm

  Drat, foiled again!

  Maybe after the SE Michigan apostofest
• 

  BugParadise

  Are you socially retarded? -

  |Well not only that but I look pretty nasty too ... even little kids run away from me ..

  ~ Bugs
• 

  teejay

  Hi, Andi.

  Sorry that I didn't have time to comment more on your thread the other day but I did want to return and give a fuller comment.

  Your post made me think of two things. The first is that it reminded me of something I began to learn when I was disfellowshipped... the utter falsehood of something that had been drilled into me since early childhood and that is: "worldy" people are basically evil, worthless human beings deserving of everlasting destruction. I found out that "truth" was a pile of shit, one of the biggest lies I'd ever been told.

  Once I took the blinders off and stopped labeling people based on their religious affiliation, it wasn't long before I began to see that people who'd never been Witnesses were just as (if not MORE) decent and kind and honest and worthy of my friendship than any JW I'd ever known. My use of the word "worldly" here is the first I've uttered the word in years. Except for rare occasions (like this one) it's one of the very few words I will *never* use. People are people... period. Just because they do or don't belong to this or that religion has no bearing on their character.

  The second thing I learned, also when df'd, is that forgiveness of myself is a powerful tool to recovery. Just as I have always been quick to forgive friends and loved ones when they made mistakes, I learned to do the same for me. Yeah, I still feel bad and have regrets for things I've done in the past, but I am much better in forgiving me.

  Loved your essay... your story about your dog... your story about you. JW.com is so very good in helping us realize we are not alone out here -- that others can and DO understand.

  Take care, Sis.
• 

  yrs2long

  Alright Hmmm, you don't have to post a pic, just post one of your twin.

  Lisa,

  Is your essay part of a college writing assignment, newspaper freelance article or book or what? And are you suggesting some sort of ex-religious fundi or xjw mentor or some kind of social services or psychological specialist well versed in helping ex-cult members?

  Are you recommending your services?