finally got my thoughts gathered to share......

by scootergirl 47 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Celia

  the baby was born in 1990. She must be 10 or 11 now, or....

  Hahem... 2002 minus 1990 = 12....
• 

  Satanus

  Your mother is a total pharisee, although i realise it's partly the fault of her religion. Jesus was the old man in the car, who gave you coffee and change for the phone call and carried your suitcase. Hang in there. You can do it.

  Hope you don't mind me saying that your life has an interesting pattern. The evil mother. The old guy there at that moment, then dissappearing. The swift marriage and happiness, which is suddenly lost. Husband killed by a trucker, which your father was... Sorry, i'm tired tonight and i'm drivelling.

  SS
• 

  teenyuck

  Christy,

  I hope you had a good nights sleep and feel better. I do not want this thread lost.

  Give your daughter a hug for me.

  Tina
• 

  Cassiline

  Christy,

  I am sorry it took me so long to read this, I feel for you I am at a loss for words. I have met both you and your sister in chat and please know you, your sister and your daughter are in my thoughts.

  Warm hugs to all of you.

  {{{{{{{{{{{{{ Christy, Eyegirl, and Daughter }}}}}}}}}}}}

  C

  When the pain of being where we are, becomes greater than our fear of letting go...we will risk and heal and grow.
• 

  Jewel

  Hugs from me, too.

  I thought I'd dealt with everything-I've been out for a long time, but when I started to write it down I was suddenly dealing with it all again...

  Take your time.

  Jewel
• 

  scootergirl

  (SaintSatan.....he wasn't killed by a truck driver but by a drunk driver)

  Finally the conclusion...

  For the next few years after LeRoys death I again felt completely alone. His sudden death caused his family to fall apart and we eventually went our own ways (everyone deals w/grief differently).

  Looking back I realize that many of the decisions I made were not healthy for me. Alcohol, drugs, bad choices in men....I was looking for anything to make me happy. I do remember vowing to my baby when she was born that she would never have to go thru what I did (vow that was made w/each of my three pregnancies)...I would NEVER abandon any of them and would love them unconditionally.

  I was in a on-again-off-again relationship w/a man for 7 years which produced a wonderful son. Unfortunately that relationship didn't last and we parted.

  Once again I was faced w/another tragedy in my life involving my daughter and a "grandfather figure". I will not go into details about that....but let me say, if you ever hear the anger in my voice concerning pedofiles know where it comes from. Needing my mother, any mother figure at this point, I reach out to her for help and comfort (stupidly thinking that maybe this will change her stand on our relationship). Let me stress stupidly. Again w/the preaching. Again with the "remember Manassah". AARRGGHH... My daughter and I got thru that ordeal and this pedofile was sentenced to jail time and probation.

  There are many years in my life that are a blur. I lived on crisis to the next. I had difficulty thinking for myself. Difficulty thinking for myself. On the outside it looked as if I had it all together but on the insides I was full of anger, rage, disappointment and grief. I felt that loss was something that I was going to have to get use to all my life. Then I remember the mental breakdown I had. I am not going to say it came in one day, it was years of ignorning my feelings, ignoring help. It came from me not taking care of myself emotionally, physically, mentally. I was continually trying to understand but just couldn't. I wanted answers but no one could give them to me.

  I woke up one morning and couldn't quit crying. My I called the crisis hotline and couldn't even get the words out. All those years of not dealing w/emotions came rushing out. I went to the doctor who prescribed xanax for me (I also suffered from Anxiety attacks).

  Things got better for awhile...I started getting the help I needed and then all those emotions that I stuffed for years came up. In a fit of rage one morning (initially it was for something that my ex was doing) I put my fist thru the glass doors of a gun cabinet. My children heard all of this. Blood all over a beige carpeting. Another trip to the hospital. 9 stitches and a beautiful scar on my hand to remind me of the ordeal. To make matters worse, my aunt and uncle (the uncle who gave me away at my wedding) decided to give us a suprise visit! Imagine their horror to walk into my unlocked house to find blood all over and a gun cabinet busted! When I came home from the hospital, my aunt stayed w/the kids and cleaned while my uncle took me out for coffee. Our coffee outing was 6 hours long! He was so honest and loving. Him and my aunt helped me get the help I needed.

  It was that day that I decided to make changes in my life. "Nothing changes if nothing changes", right? Unfortunately my son's father and me split (but it was for the better). I got myself in a support program that has helped tremendously. I made drastic changes in my life and made a comittment to get well again. I had my children to think about and myself for a change. I faced my feelings and anger w/the borg and my parents with the help of counselors (one-on-one) and w/in my support group. I surrounded myself w/healthy people. I started to develop a relationship w/myself...started to find out who the real Christy was. I made ammends to myself for mistakes in the past. I also developed a relationship w/God again. Thru my journey of recovery I have learned to stand up for myself and have been able to teach my children to do so also.

  After spending time w/myself for awhile, I met my current husband. We wisked me away to Ochos Rios (Jamaica) and we were married at sunset, barefoot on the beach. We have a son together...he turned 2 in December. We live in the "woods" of Northern Minnesota and I got back to basics in life. I needed to simplify my life, prioritize it. I have learned to cut out what is destructive in my life. Being out here is the closest that I have ever been to God.

  I also recovered my sense of humor that was supressed all those years. As for my brother and sister, neither one continues in the borg. My brother and I were reunited about 7 or 8 years ago and are extremely close. My sister (a.k.a. eyegirl) and I were reunited last Easter Sunday after I found her email address on classmates.com She has been the final blessing in my life. I love her more than I ever thought I could love a sibling. She made a sacrifice and moved closer to me and my family and I what a blessing!

  My parents, they would like to have a relationship w/their grandchildren. My two oldest have spent a small amount of time w/them this past year. My mother still tries to guilt and shame me (this followed by praises about me being a good mother!) but I no longer allow this to effect me. She asked me on Mother's Day this year why I was so bitter towards Jehovah and when I replied it wasn't Jehovah but the borg I told her someday maybe she will ask me why I have continued to stay away. She took the bait and I got to finally tell her my reasonings. I did so w/utmost respect and tact but explained that I will NEVER belong to ANY organization that would have me chose between my faith and my children. NEVER. PERIOD. She didn't take it well and feels that I hold her in contempt. She also is upset and feels that I am a "pull" with my sister. My dad and I don't speak. My mother apparently is the "spokesperson" of the family. Sad...it is like my dad's voice was taken from him.

  In a way, I feel sorry for them. They missed out on everything good in my life. How painful it must be for a grandmother never to hold her grandbabies and sing them to sleep. How painful it must be for a mother to turn her back on her own child...never to be there to offer advice, encouragment and support. How sad for a father never be able to spend time w/his three children again. How sad never to know what true love is....all for the sake of a man made organization.

  As for me, I will continue doing what I am doing-cause it works. Although it is difficult for me to step foot in a Church, I don't know if I will ever be ready for organized religion. But as for my spirituality, it is very strong and very important in my life. I continue w/my 12-step program because I apply the steps to my life w/my parents. I raise my children completely differently than I was raised and am amazed at how they blossom each day. I see my oldest and really want her to live her childhood as a child....to discover herself and make the mistakes and decisions that are needed to prepare her for adulthood.

  My siblings and I continue to be close. I feel part of a family again. And I want to say, with the love I have been shown on this board, I feel part of something wonderful..something big...something very special. I only hope that I can return the kindness that has been shown to me.

  There is a quote my Martin Luther King that I just love...

  "Everything that I have held in man's hands I have lost, but that what has been held in God's hands I have gained."

  Thanks so much for allowing me to share. What was difficult in the beginning was reassuring in the end. To look back and realize how far I have come has been fantastic.

  ~Christy

  You know when healing's occurred when you can remember when you want to and forget when you choose.-Bessel van der Kolk
• 

  eyegirl

  christy........
  i know i probably didn't need to post a reply because i could tell you in person, but maybe it will mean more in writing.
  reading this all over again brings back all the hurt and anger i've felt growing up--mom took away my best friend. like you, i don't remember much about growing up--only bits and pieces. and most of my good mememories are of us kids or being with dad. i do remember crying the night you had the fight with mom and wishing dad was home. pretty sure that night was a turning point for us all.
  you are such an incredibly strong person. i don't know where you found the strength to go on. you're amazing. everyday i am so thankful that you and randy are in my life. i love you both so much, and i know that now, there is NOTHING that can pull us apart again.
  you know how we both love Creed, so to quote "i give you everything i am, and still fall short of what you've done for me."
  i love you teenie.
  beckaboo :)
• 

  scootergirl

  Damn you Beck......it isn't nice to make your "seester" cry so early in the day! I love you too....more than I can ever ever say! I mean it when I said you are a blessing. I remember praying to God saying "just one more thing and I won't ask for anything else" and that was to be w/you again. I haven't ask for anything since!

  OBTW.....here is a picture of my family

  http://geocities.com/filthybikers/

  Just a caution, it was my hubby's first attempt at a webpage and he has an annoying sound that is looped thru it! (**note to self, update picture)

  ~Christy

  You know when healing's occurred when you can remember when you want to and forget when you choose.-Bessel van der Kolk
• 

  Soledad

  Hugs to you eyegirl and christy your story had me in tears!
• 

  Lady Lee

  (((Christy))) You have come a long way. No matter how much healing we do it is always hard to tell our story. Take some special time for you and your family - seems you do that already.

  And if you are in Northern Minnesota we might not be that far from each other - I am in Winnipeg across the border

  A not-so-silent lamb
  
  Aspire to inspire before you expire