Faders: why do we bother staying in?
We cling to some false hope that people we love will accept us despite our not believing, even though it’s as much a fairytale as the dogmas based on untruths.
I’ve never been anything but a good friend and human being and would do anything for the people I love; I couldn’t dream of shutting out someone I care about. And it’s not like they’d revel in the idea of doing it either, yet it’s seen as not just the only choice, but also as undoubtedly the right thing to do. The right and wholesome thing. Why the hell can’t people recognize our incredibly humble place in the universe? We live our entire life on a razor’s edge of non-existence and nobody realizes how precious we are to each other.
I’m not even disfellowshipped. But I’ve been through the fire and my heart goes out now more than ever before to everyone who is.
Recently the decision was made to disfellowship me for apostasy - on grounds that were never made clear. In fact, I was given two choices before literally being kicked out of my own kingdom hall and the door slammed: that I either attend a judicial meeting or write a letter of disassociation. The grounds / charges were refused. The red-faced elder I’ve known my whole life verbally refused to shake my hand, shutting the door as I faced him calmly asking why he wouldn’t. I was surprised because I barely even said anything I’d consider incriminating; in fact, I was legitimately looking for help if it could be offered (which of course I know it can’t because “truth” is based on unreality and ignorance of reality. But maybe I needed to prove that to others and myself). All that happened was I admitted to having legitimate doubts, but that fact alone was enough to label me as an apostate without even knowing the specifics of the doubts, attempting to address them, or ascertaining my motives... which I made clear weren’t to spread the doubts (I never have...not easy but true) but to receive help.
At the judicial meeting they decided to disfellowship me for grounds I was none the wiser to. I had to ask for the scriptural reason which they finally gave me after the pronouncement, after some confusion amongst themselves as to which one it was. Throughout the meeting they openly admitted that truth presupposes itself, which makes no sense and confirms their delusion.
For whatever reason I appealed the decision and at the appeal meeting the decision was reversed. It does happen I guess so long as you keep your cool and are smart about it, and most importantly if the appeal elders are slightly more rational. The appeal elders actually hugged me on my way out.
So where does this leave me? Right back to where I’ve been the past 3 years. Living in limbo. Only now the person I care about the most and largely the reason I’ve kept trying all this time feels like she should “limit her association” with me. It was her who alerted the elders after a picture of my ear was seen sitting next to my sister (who was recently disfellowshipped for, you guessed it, apostasy). I’m not even kidding: my ear.
So what’s the point? I have many good friends and I’m sure you have your reasons for sticking it through, but I’m starting to think our love for them is one-sided. It’s pretty painful to realize how little it takes to be treated so horribly by those you’re closest to. And they think they’re doing something righteous. How many poor “mentally diseased” victims have killed themselves over these purported acts of righteousness? It’s pretty sickening.
The elders asked me if I thought any bible principles were harmful to follow, fishing for their own presupposed answer. I had to bite my tongue but said that to pass my sister on the street and look away as she approached was harmful to me because not only would it rip my heart out, but it’d make her feel bad, and because I care about her would make me feel even worse, not to mention guilty for behaving so cruelly to another human being. I must stress that she is 100% Christian but simply woken up to the JW falsehoods. They said that it’s not always easy to follow Jehovah’s principles but we can have confidence they are worthwhile.
Bullshit. Treating someone cruelly is wrong. If God himself asked me to murder my son (if I had one) on a mountain I’d say NO regardless of what God thought. Even with the knowledge God could resurrect my child, I would refuse such a despicable request on the grounds that it is just that: despicable. Does that make me wicked? Haughty? I’d rather be ignorantly called those things than to do something I consider disgusting. It’s rather shameful when someone you love won’t stand up for their love like you would for them, and then justify it with some deluded form of tyrannical loyalty, acting as if they're the victim. And again, I’m not even disfellowshipped, but I feel like I’ve been in denial all these years and I’m starting to get it. Sorry to all of you who experience this on a mass scale. I'm not a bitter person but I'm beginning to understand where it comes from.
Like most of you, I just wish people would realize how precious we are to each other and how petty the things are that keep us apart.
...OUTLAW