by 2pink 47 Replies latest jw friends
Pink, Frazzled said it well. Ignore the ones telling you otherwise. Women know when enough is enough and obviously you've hit that mark.
The courts will be on your side as the caregiver and mom. Try not to panic...as you well know, every new major life change is challenging but you are obviously strong enough for the task ahead!
Feel free to PM anytime you need encouragement. (((((2pink)))))
Sorry your going through this.
As always there is good advice to find here.
My point of view is focused on your being able to stay at home because of the special needs of your children.
Depending on a number of factors the stay at home industry is really taking off. More and more companies now depend on private contractors to handle a wide range of tasks that can be handled in a home office. Some jobs are obvious. Working on a computer at home is pretty much the same as working in an office for many tasks. Master the software and you could be doing the payroll and accounting/bookkeeping for a company or filing medical records for Doctors etc. Booking appointments by phone for many different kinds of companies.
There are a lot of interesting and well paying opportunities. Here's a starting place :http://www.bankrate.com/finance/personal-finance/10-best-and-real-work-at-home-jobs-1.aspx
Begin a google search on working from home with an eye towards what appeals to you and what it takes to become proficient enough to earn a decent to good income.
On-the-job training as an unpaid apprentice for a few hours a day until you get the hang of it and can then work from home. Or short term classes both on line or hands on at a community school or private business school. Once again it could be 2 or 3 months (evening classes?) That could give you a start.
Once you have your own income coming in plus child support you can continue to study and learn until you reach a level your comfortable with.
I have never even been close to being in such a circumstance. While my wife stays a JW, we have a very good life together except for that. I have no kids.
My first thought was to really make him pay for his latest mistake by NOT leaving him. Don't get me wrong- I am not saying to go on as if all is well. I am just saying I thought that for the sake of the kids, let the man make his own space in the home and continue paying for his mistakes. Live separate but together.
But as I stated, I have never been there. I can tell you will find your path just by your opening post.
Thanks for the replies and ideas. My kids range from 2-10. The prospect of dealing with this crap for 16 more years is worse than the prospect of becoming a single mother to them all. Yes, he will pay child support and alimony. But I don't want to depend on him for long and know I need to get back into the game. I got an associate's degree a couple of years ago, so hopefully that helps some. I like the idea of working from home to keep some of the normalcy for my kids, especially at first, but I wonder how feasible that is for someone brand new to the workforce?
Wing Commander & Clarity-Yes my husband is miserable too. Most alcoholics are. As for having children with special needs, you're right, it is a large undertaking. Most people don't understand it, but most people aren't me. As for the suggestion that my husband is "acting out" on the stress of it all...give me a break. Instead of facing a problem and dealing with stress in a healthy, adult fashion, let's "act out" on it! That always makes things better! And for what it's worth, he's almost never home and sees them only on weekends because of his cheating, er, drinking, er, work schedule. I shoulder all the responsibility with the kids. The only stress in his life is caused by his horrible, immature, selfish choices. And no, I am absolutely not waiting for a "nicer" man to jump in. After this experience, I'm ready to try lesbianism! As I mentioned, I realized I have to reinvent myself at this point in my life, and am asking for ideas and advice on how to do so.
What was your degree in? What family and other support do you have access to to help you care for your kids? Are there government run centres who can look after your kids for you for part of the day? Do you need to upgrade your skills? Do you have IT or design or other sorts of skills that lend themselves to home based work? On the other hand you might want to work in an office environment at least part of the week to give you some social interaction? tactically though you might want to remain as a stay at home Mum at least until the divroce settlement is finalised (as that will increase your prospects of a generous payout) and spend the time studying for your future career. I would suggest you ignore the conservative "keep the marriage together at any cost" types - you don't need to explain yourself.
My husband and I had seven children together.
When 3 of them were grown out of the home he and I hit a wall that had been building in our marriage. He was not regularly living at home at the time and there were pretty grave difficulties on so many fronts including the need for help with one severely troubled teen.
I believe he and I needed counseling, definitely. DEFINITELY. But if one's spouse refuses it and there is alcohol involved, well--that is rough. We were very much estranged over the next several years. We lived quite separately for 6 years. The psychological issues that rose out of our marital discord has had lasting impact on the children-and they are all grown now.
My husband and I have been married 38 years now. We are together and working to understand our past. We discussed even this morning our failing to provide a happier home in the latter years of family life than we had. Poverty is troubling to be sure, the JWs was a very negative contribution (mine) and his long involvement with breaking and training horses and its complications and burdens.
We all came together, in spite of everything because we do love each other, and have learned some forgiveness, humility, and honest vocal regret.
I am reluctant to say what is certainly the best road to travel for another, but it is certain that untreated emotional pain that you or others in the family have to bear, well--those chickens do come home to roost. Deal with the whole picture as best you can and grab counseling the sooner the better.
Try to be fair and honest as you go along. Which includes not beating up on yourself either.
Marital counseling! Therapy! Please try that first before heading to a divorce. I wanted to go to counseling, my husband at the time refused after just visits. What can be done in 4 sessions? Nothing! There were so many things that I wanted to say that were left unsaid. I truly still believe we would have been able to resolve our issues if we could look together in the same mirror and acknowledge each other's needs wholeheartedly. That requires honesty and strength. I was ready to go through the long haul. He wanted things to stay the same. Coupled with the mess of jw-dom, it was truly a recipe for disaster. Utter BS is what I went through in the end, even now, really, if I sit down to think about it.
Anyways, if the both of you can commit to counseling/therapy, then there still might be hope. It doesn't sound like you're reaching out for hope. But wow, I sure was those last 2 years. Try? I'm not saying you're not... but try? again?
Best to you! It's hard breaking free from a difficult marriage. Reinvention is NO joke. Check out KateWild's posts and mine too. It might help you to see if you really want to be on that ride.
Good luck!
Get the most you can out of the divorce settlement. Take advantage of any government programs there are to get some kind of job training to prepare you for the job market. Investigate work from home opportunities, but be careful, many of them are scams. I had a neighbor who did medical transcription work from home, she made OK money and was able to be with her kids. There might be government programs to help with child care while you work or get training. Even with alimony and support you might qualify for some kind of government assistance, so check that out.
Good luck, you have your work cut out for you.
"I am a super smart, capable person and will find our way out;" - 2Pink
Keep that in mind and you will be fine. As long as you have that attitude you are well on your way.
Keep us posted.
No new relationship is going to be magical, I had heard incomplete research dealing with domestic abuse with same sex couples, unfortunatly there is a higher rate of violence with same sex couples according to new research. I would hate for you to make a hasty decesion because some stupid drunkard has made your life a living hell. You are so young, thirteen years is along time for some but there are many of us who had to make the choice twenty-plus years in our marriage to bail-out, I think you have some interesting people to talk to on JWN.
Is he violent, unaffectionate, I realize the last thing most women desire is to start another relationship after battling a substane abuse partner, some reason there is a unnaturally high ratio of drug addicition (Pill Poppers), (Alcoholics), (Angry Abusive Mates) among the Jehovah's Witness religion, where does all this inability to cope with the World come from "Delayed-Post Ponned Expectation make's the heart bitter" and many JWs are coming unglued because the End has not come.
You receive monies from the State for those children with disabilities, can you get Government housing also? I think with all the great charity work you are doing the Government should have programs to help make your life a little less diffucult! I am so sorry you are battling martial abuse, I saw how this was brushed under the carpet in the Kingdom Halls and Elders overlooked Witness Women getting beaten up badly, I don't thing being a JW help's people's relationships because it adds so many unnecessary strains. There are a couple of specialist on this board who don't post much but are experts in this area, maybe they might find it in their hearts to help out? I wish you the best sister!
