Divorcing my husband of 13 years...

by 2pink 47 Replies latest jw friends

  • 2pink

    My husband and I were both born ins. I left in 2009, and he followed me out a bit later. We were one of those couples who followed the script, married young and ended up having nothing in common other than the religion. Also, he's an alcoholic.

    The last straw was last night. No need for details, but I'm done.

    We've been married 13 years. I've been a stay at home mom to our 4 young kids for 10 of them. Three of our kids were adopted with special needs, meaning that I spend a large portion of my week shuttling to and from therapies and appts. I have no recent, relevant work experience. My husband does most of the finances, so I'm in the dark there too. I'm so embarrassed to say that I literally let myself fall into the deep, dark hole of "stay at home mom"-dom and the prospect of clawing my way out alone is terrifying. My kids are used to a nice middle class lifestyle: 3 meals a day, nice house, safe neighborhood, going to gymnastics and ballet.

    I thought I'd post here since you are a fabulous crowd with a knack for re-inventing yourselves and must have many ideas. I've done it once (after we left the JWs---so hard, but so worth it). I feel so selfish doing this to my kids, but I can't live with him any longer. I'm meeting with an attorney next week to help me fill in the details, but I don't even know what the next few years will hold. I'm scared for my kids and for me. I am a super smart, capable person and will find our way out; it's just the process that is terrifying.

    Any experiences/advice/jokes welcome. Thanks for reading.

  • Oubliette

    2pink, you have a challenge ahead of you to be sure, but the truth is: we're all just making it up as we go along.

    You'll find your way. You'll be fine.

  • Divergent

    You have a really good heart to adopt & care for children with special needs. I hope everything works out well for u

  • Crazyguy

    How old are the kids and can you wait until there old enough to be able to fend for themselves so to speak. I feel your pain, my wife and I are not at the same level and shes still a jdub. I too would like to start fresh but can not do so for the kids sake. Take your time and plan well.

  • Mum

    My best recommendation is that you go to the nearest community college and talk with someone there about taking some vocational interest tests and personality tests to determine what kind of work you're best suited for.

    In the meantime, will you be able to stay in your home? Will you be able to stay there AND collect child support? Do you have family members and/or good friends who can help you care for the kids?

    When I lived in Reno, Nevada, my daughter attended the community college. There's was actually a Boys' and Girls' Club on campus where parents could leave their kids while they attended classes. The same college had a women's re-entry program for women in circumstances such as yours.

    Help is available. Please start talking to people and find out which direction would be best for you and your kids.

    Best wishes!


    Hopefully your husband will pay child support if there is a divorce. He is obligated legally to do so. So that will be a start right there. Plus is you can work part-time from home that could be an option. It's unlikely that very many soon-to-be-divorced Moms have things totally figured out in advance. Another option is to take a few college classes or vocational courses so as to be more marketable job-wise. Things will become clearer as the process moves along. Try to enlist a support system of friends and relatives who can be there for you as you work things out. Maybe seeing a counselor or therapist would be helpful during this stressful period to help you deal with it and sort things out. Anyway those are a few suggestions that I hope you find helpful. Wishing you all the best in this new chapter of your life.

  • Aunt Fancy
    Aunt Fancy

    I really feel for you because you have a lot on your plate especially with taking care of your special needs children. It will be a major change in your life trying to support them and care for them on your own. Your husband will have to pay child support and depending on the state you live in maybe even spousal support. Make sure you get a very good attorney because it could mean a huge difference in what type of settlement you receive.

    I would also seek out an excellent therapist to help you work through this or even the possibility of saving the marriage. Sometime marriages can be save with the help of a professional and with children involved many try this route.

    You are obviously a very strong woman and I am sure you will find a way to get through this. Hang in there.

  • Frazzled UBM
    Frazzled UBM

    Get yourself a good divorce lawyer - as a long-term stay at home Mum you can expect to get custody of the kids, substantial alimony and a good sized stake in the family home. Be careful that you don't squander the family assets on lawyers by arguing about insiginificant issues such as who get what furtniure etc. Focus on the big picture of custody, child support and sharfe of assets/family home. Go hard early and then negotiate a favourable settlement. Butr remember that once divided the family income and living arrangements will not be as good as they were when you married - so you will have to budget and manage your kids expectations. But it sounds like it will be worth it to get out of this marriage.

  • WingCommander

    A lot of good advice so far. #1 is best divorce lawyer that you can afford.

    I will say that even though I applaud you for having such a big heart, I cannot fathom why someone would want more than (1) special needs child at a time. (1) would be enough of a handful, but (3) ? Wow.

    Don't know the circumstances of "last night" or whatever, and I'm not trying to sound defensive of a man I don't know, but do you think maybe the continual, perpetual stress of having not just (1), but (3) special needs children has anything to do with whatever is wrong with him or his actions? Just putting it out there. He may in fact be even more miserable than you are and acting out on it.

  • clarity

    Pink, if you had no dependent children, that

    would be one thing.......but you do, 4 of them!

    Whatever the situation is with your hubby, sit

    down and think.

    Do you really imagine that what you have right

    now....all the care, work, worry, & expense will

    somehow be eased if you are out there alone,

    with no money coming in! No father at all in the

    house! No one else there for the kids...just you?

    Think...what are you setting these kids up for?

    Do you think for a moment that some other "nicer"

    man will jump at the chance to shoulder all these



    Plse get some outside counselling & help before

    you go any further.


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