About a month ago, I realized that I didn't really care about my still-in JW family. I just want to be left alone by them. They caused me so much grief. I'm going to vent here, becuase I want to get it externilized so I can see it from afar.
To start off, my father left my mother a gazillion times when I was a baby. He was very immature and has always been a simpleton. He married my mom, a woman with 3 teenaged kids. In good JW fashion, they got married after a few weeks of dating. My mother had her own mental issues, but she had a maternal instinct to provide for me. My father, meanwhile, beat my mother. My first memory was sitting in a high chair, with him going after her. My father decided to get a divorce. He proudly states that he shopped for a divorce attorney who really knew the judges. He got one who played golf with the judge, and paid my mother $100 a month child support. Needless to say, we were starving and lost our home. We had to live with relatives, bouncing from house to house. Meanwhile, he had his sacred cows (dance classes and fancy suits) to buy. He was disfellowshipped. He was in his 40s, so you think he would have been more mature? Not.
I was about 7 or 8. I couldn't eat. I was a nervous wreck. I remember having the feeling of my stomach always being inside out. I couldn't concentrate on school. To make it all worse, my mom took me to the Kingdom Hall.
When I was about 8, my parents got back together. For my mother, it was a meal ticket. For my father, he realized that she was a good woman. But, his issues were not dealt with. He still beat my mother in front of me. He occassionally beat me too. One time, we had child protective services visit our "home." I was too afraid to talk to them, but it was nice knowing someone out there cared for me. My mother told me that they were worldly people, so I didn't want to tell them anything for fear they took me to a worldly home . . . where I'd be abused spiritually. Isn't that sick?
My father later went to a psychologist. Never 'normal' after that, but better in that he didn't hit me or my mother. Years later as he got older, he goes back to the Kingdom Hall. My mother feared it, thinking it was the JWs that made him crazy. Sure enough, he pulled a gun out one day when he was mad, sending my mother and sister out of the house. The local congregation pulled the bookstudy from the house. He's not right, he's just holding on by a thread. He puts on the sweet, JW personality. But, I am always suspect of his undercurrents despite that he's old and frail. My mother died a few years back, and my JW sister and him live together.
Lately, he and my sister have said things that makes me think that they talk alot about me, and that it's not good. I think they have nothing better to do. When I haven't given a family member money of late (they overspend on addicitons), they both turned on me. Both have said to me that I'm worthless and would be nothing without my spouse! They have both told me that I am "high on myself" (after not giving money). How serendipitous is that?
Of course, I don't beleive I am worthless piece of crap. My spouse, who is a gem, loves me. So, I can't be all that bad. I have given thousands to charity and to family members in true need. I hold two degrees, two professional designations, and have made some very good money in my lifetime. They were there to support me in college, but when they both went back to the JWs . . . my JW sister gives me (and my spouse who also has a college degree) digs. "Our cousin is a multi-millionaire, and he didn't go to college." Various members of my JW family always said that to us. Well, me and my spouse had a huge laugh, when Cousin ended up in federal prison for 5+ years due to financial fraud! I have a group of friends and other family members who like to spend time with me (not preach JWism) to me. I haven't tried to cheat my kids out of support. I don't beat them up. I don't beat up my spouse.
So, after realizing that they hold absolutely no respect to me, I have exited from them over this past month. You take someone who cares alot, and push them too far, and they just lose their ability to care. I've given them both a piece of my mind. For my father, I sent him a long list of some of the financial help I have given to family members and some of the ways the addicted person has extracted over a thousand dollars from me in the past, all in a very nice tone. He must have thought about it, and sounded "sorry" when he called me last week. Honestly, I didn't want to talk to him. He said that he's trying to help that addicted family member. I summarily said, "I wish her the best." I got him off the phone as fast as I could. I'm coming to grips that I've been *hit on alot, and that it's ok for me to be angry at them and to want to not be around them. They are toxic.
Thanks for reading this and allowing me to vent.