No love

Yerusalyim

Just feel like I need to vent. My wife accused me of seeming not to enjoy being around her. This was an accurate assessment on her part though I didn't acknowlege that. I, and the kids too (the three older ones) seem to enjoy life better when she's at work. I know I do.

The thing is, we are now raising our neices kids, age 7, 9, and 10. They've REALLY been through hell before they came to stay with us. Mom was prostituting herself, they were moving from one set of friends to another etc.

The kids need a stable environment.

I'm I a dork for not being honest with her?

YERUSALYIM
"Vanity! It's my favorite sin!"
[Al Pacino as Satan, in "DEVIL'S ADVOCATE"]

the follower

It is a shame you have to make such a choice.

MarchOn

You will know when the time is right to be straight up with her. But when you do, be completely honest because if you are not direct about how you feel, she won't be able to change the problem (that is if she wants to).Good luck.

Mimilly

Yeru - which came first: no love, or having to raise your niece's three children? Why is it you don't enjoy being around your wife? (for you to answer to yourself) What about getting some help, counselling? Sounds like you two are carrying quite a load there.

hugs,
Mimilly

ChiChiMama

No, you are not a dork.
You just have to be honest with yourself first and figure out why you are feel this way before you can communicate with her about it.

With that many people in the home I would guess that your wife may feel out of control and may feel the need to get everyone to cooperate to make the house run smoothly.If she doesn't feel she's getting this help she may not be enjoyable to be around.
Is this any where near what's going on or is it something else?

ChiChi

Yerusalyim

Mimilly Chi Mamma,

I NEED THE HELP ORGANIZING THE HOUSE

Oh, the lackluster relationship came LONG before the kids joined us. It seems to be getting worse now though. The added strain. Three more kids to chase after, three more mess makers, me bearing most of the burden of cleaning and meal prep. The kids have been with us since the first week of April, in that time she's prepared meals less than 5 times, even on her days off I come home from work and have to cook for eight people...and ensure the kids do their chores.

She's been on three trips to the club with her girlfriends since the kids joined us though. Her irresponsibility with money (allowing her girlfriend to run up a $300 cell phone bill right before she went to jail).

She comes home, throws her shoes off and gets on the computer (after tripping over 4 pairs of her shoes I finally get upset and pick them up, grousing about it the whole time). She eats what I fix (sometimes) leaves her dirty dishes for someone else to pick up, and then either goes tanning, goes to a girlfriends (because the girl friend needs her "emotional support") or she goes upstairs, turns on TLC and veges out in front of the boob tube. She then harrasses me because after cooking, cleaning, and supervising kids until 9 pm I get on the computer for an hour or two to relax.

I'm just venting again, I don't expect any real solutions, I just need to get it off my chest.

Todays example:She wants me to take lunch money to our daughter at school. She's off until 2 PM, I'm working until 5 pm. She has the car, she wants ME to do this on my lunch break, because "she doesn't feel like going in. Funny, when I mentioned us going out to lunch she didn't seem to mind that idea.

YERUSALYIM
"Vanity! It's my favorite sin!"
[Al Pacino as Satan, in "DEVIL'S ADVOCATE"]

Yerusalyim

"Can't buy me love, everybody tells me so, can't buy me love, No No No NOOOOOOO!

YERUSALYIM
"Vanity! It's my favorite sin!"
[Al Pacino as Satan, in "DEVIL'S ADVOCATE"]

Scully

Yeru:

I understand where you're coming from. It's so frustrating to do "women's work" at home, it truly is a thankless job.

Getting kids to do chores around the house - even picking up after themselves and maintaining a safe level of sanitation in their own space - is frustrating too.

On the other hand..... you have six little bodies in the house, twelve hands all together. Everyone's life would be a lot easier if they pitched in. And let's face it, there are only so many chores that need to be done. If everyone pitched in, even Mrs Yeru, to do 30 minutes worth of housework each day, you'd have 4 person-hours of work done. You can accomplish a whole lot of house cleaning in 4 hours.

Of course, that's easier said than done, but there are ways to do it. I have a "contest" every week for my kids (rather than a ho-hum "allowance") where whoever does the most chores "wins" a paid movie rental of their choice at Blockbuster. Second place "wins" a freebie movie rental of their choice at Blockbuster. If you have different age groups, you can make the chores age-appropriate, as well as the "prizes". I also offer a "bonus prize" of a sleepover for one of their friends on a monthly basis, for whoever does the most chores.

What surprised me most of all was first, how little nagging this approach involved, compared to the traditional "allowance" approach. Plus, the kids actually were in a kind of competition with each other, and were eager to work for a "prize" that they really wanted. Incidentally, it costs me less for a weekly movie rental from Blockbuster for them than it did to dole out an allowance, plus the housework actually gets done!

Try it, they may like it.

Love, Scully

Yadira Angelini

Yeru, are 'worldly wifes' behaving better than JW wifes?

You need nurturing too! Love,

Yadira

PS: is this thread going to be like the one before? a war flame? LOL

ChiChiMama

Yeru,

I realized after posting that I could have had the situation backwards. I was interupted before I could get back for an edit.

Anyway,I had a feeling I was close on what was going on.
I really feel for you on this and think it is good for you to vent here.You may get some good ideas and things to think about.

It is really a sad fact that just one person can turn a household upside down and cause unhappiness.

You may end up having to have a family meeting with her or each write letters to her having each one communicate to how they feel. It would be hard but it could be a powerful tool to wake her up.At least you could find out if this selfishness is pourposful or if she is just not being honest with herself.

If she refuses to make changes after you all communicate then you may have to make decisions for the best interest of the family.

Scully,

I like your ideas.

ChiChi

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