First post after a year or two of lurking on this site-Sorry for the length!

by Pattytheperfect1 36 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Pattytheperfect1

    Not sure of the point of telling my story, but just got off the phone with my Grandma and I am so angry, stressed and I don't know what else...I guess i just wanted to hear from someone other than my husband that I'm not crazy for my reaction to family interaction.

    My condensed story gramatical errors and all :)

    Father was a born in JW, Mother was a convert. I was born the last of 3 siblings and shortly after my birth in 1981 my parents divorced. My father wanted me raised a JW so I’m told he got the watchtower to help him find an attorney and fight for full custody of me and my siblings. My mother through all this was so depressed and tried to kill herself on more than one occasion; this is one of the reasons the attorney used to show my mother was unfit. Well, my father won custody and my mother moved away. Over the next year or two my father remarried and divorced. After the second divorce he decided he didn’t want the responsibility of raising two children; oldest sibling was old enough for court to let him decide he wanted to live with my mother so that just left me and one brother. Now instead of the normal sane thing to do, call my Mother (who had left the JW religion) and give us back to her to raise, my father decided it would be better if his brother and wife who were still JW’s got to raise us. When my mother received a letter stating that my aunt and uncle were trying to adopt us she immediately found an attorney and tried to fight to get us back; unfortunately the same attorney that helped my father win custody did the same for my aunt and uncle. Courts did not grant adoption but they did give my aunt and uncle legal guardianship. I was five by the time this was all finished…so young that I grew up calling my aunt and uncle Mom and Dad…really they were the ones who raised me, no matter the crappy circumstances in which that came to be. So from 5-18 I was a good little witness girl, baptized at 11 in an attempt to make sure my aunt and uncle were proud of me and couldn’t send me to an orphanage…that threat was thrown around a lot when I was little. My creepy Uncle-Dad was a pervert that abused me for years. I was so traumatized I repressed it, until one day sitting in the Kingdom Hall listening to a talk about why masturbation is bad (I think I was 13 or 14 and I never did understand why the little 6 year olds had to hear those talks, bet that made for some interesting questions on the car ride home!) and the memory of it all came flooding back. My family was kind of the black sheep family of the hall (5 kids and Aunt-Mom at every meeting, always late, with an inactive barely there Uncle-Dad) so everyone just assumed that when I freaked out bawling and ran out it was me upset about the adults fighting at home. I never did tell anyone why I was so upset, it wasn’t still going on and I was afraid they would send me away if I told them because in reality I wasn’t their kid. Well, I moved out at 18 and then moved to a different town and completely cut off contact with the family and all JW friends at 19. Before I left I told my 6 years younger Sister-Cousin what had happened so she would be careful around my Uncle-Dad because I wouldn’t be around to make sure. When she got baptized she felt it was her duty to tell the family what my Uncle-Dad had done and I got a random phone call (after not speaking to my family at all for 2 years) from two elders conference calling me to ask if it was true. One of the elders on the phone had the audacity to tell me “well that explains you”. That statement still sticks with me today and makes me SO angry. Anyway, Uncle-Dad was disfellowshipped for a couple years (cuz that fixes everything…sure) and then called me to give a half assed apology in which he pretty much blamed my Aunt-Mom for not giving him the attention he needed; shortly thereafter he was reinstated and to this day goes to meetings and occasionally knocks on doors. It disgusts me! That believe it or not is a very, very condensed version of my story, some of it not too different than so many other stories I’ve read. I have since been married to an awesome loving ‘worldly person’ and have talked to and visited with my family including the pervert Uncle-Dad mainly only because he’s always around when I visit (yes family still talks to him and acts like nothing happened, Even Aunt-Mom talks to him and they have been divorced for years and she is remarried). My contact with family other than my Sister-Cousin is maybe once a year if that because they have to ‘limit their contact with me because I am no longer a Witness’. I got fed up and this past year there has been no family contact. I really don’t know if I want to continue contact with anyone other than my Grandma because she is getting old and I don’t want to miss her last few years (plus she isn’t judgmental like the rest of them) and Sister-Cousin. I have never lost contact with my Sister-Cousin (she herself has had her ups and downs and left the JW’s and then returned) so my relationship with her has always been a comfort to me. I am going to see my Sister-Cousin this weekend, who happened to mention to my Grandma that I was coming. Grandma always tries to make my Uncle-Dad and my real Dad talk to me when I come visit (she still wants her big happy family) which is why they are always around when I come. I wasn’t about to have that happen this trip, I’m done pretending everything is fine when it is far from it. I’m the one the family can’t talk to yet these two losers are ok to talk to? Well, I called my Grandma today and told her I would come see her but I didn’t want to see Uncle-Dad or real Dad, just her and my sister-cousin. She said to me ‘Well, Uncle-Dad apologized didn’t he?’ As if that meant it was ok. I explained it wasn’t ok, and I was tired of pretending it was. She didn’t push the matter but it makes me so angry that I have to explain why I don’t want to see him or have anything to do with the wacky JW religion! I am so stressed and angry…I wish seeing family was a happy thing.

  • Watchtower-Free

    Wow thats horrible. Welcome to the forum

  • gma-tired2

    Sending you ((((hugs))))) no child should have to shoulder such a burden. Show Grandma andSister/cousin love and kindness pretend the others no longer exist.

  • pronomono

    You're not crazy. My heart goes out to you. I was abused too when I was younger, but not by a JW or family member. In second grade, there was a homosexual bully that was stronger than me. Because of fear and guilt, I endured it for half a year. It really screws you up in the mind, and a half-assed apology doesn't make it right, especially in your case when you know they are only doing apologizing for the sake of getting reinstated.

  • jgnat

    I love introduction letters, and yours is great.

    Might I suggest...once a year visit with your Sister-Cousin, and surprise visits only for Grandma? You have every right to leave the room if these men show up.

    My mother-in-law wanted her big happy family, photos, all of it no matter how fake. It didn't seem to matter her to that my ex, her son, beat me to a shadow of my former self. (I am better now, by the way). She tried to force the issue a few times so I cut her off. I don't regret it.

    How about your natural siblings?

  • LoisLane looking for Superman
    LoisLane looking for Superman

    You were raised in a toxic environment. You woke up and have left.

    (((Big hugs))) of understanding to you Kiddo, PattythePerfect1.

    Welcome to your new JWN family.


  • Oubliette

    I’m the one the family can’t talk to yet these two losers are ok to talk to?

    That pretty well sums up JW family values!

  • Comatose

    Welcome! I'm so sorry for what you went through. I'd like to put Uncle-dad's nuts in a meat grinder.

    JWs are warped in the head. If Jehovahhhhhh has forgiven uncle-dad then so should you in their minds. So stupid. Plus old people and especially older moms need their kids so much, grandma probably just has already mentally sanitized her son, so she doesn't get why you still the way you do. And you should feel that way! I wouldn't ever want to be near that pervert again.

    I hope you post more and get some refreshing discussion from others.

    Best wishes.

  • LisaRose

    Welcome, thanks is for sharing your story. These kind of family dynamics aren't that unusual, every one just wants to pretend that these things didn't happen, the person who won't go along with the pretence become the problem, not the offender. You owe both your dad's nothing. Too bad if it's too late to go to the police or sue, he deserves it.

  • rip van winkle
    rip van winkle

    Hi Pattytheperfect1!! Glad you are here and appreciate you sharing your story. You absolutely do not need to subject yourself to any person who is/was abusive or makes you uncomfortable. No need to explain anymore to how you feel. Unfortunately, your grandma doesn't understand what you went through or how you feel, but hopefully will respect your wishes on the matter.

    If not--

    Jgnat's suggestion of surprise visits with grandma may be the solution.

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