Help! I have fallen in love with a Witness

by itsalingthing 33 Replies latest social relationships

  • NameWithheld

    It sure does sounds as if his desires are to be 'normal' and live his life not in strict accordance with JW requirements. Be careful though, as a JW's 'conscience' can kick in with a moments notice, and they can do an about face, dropping all 'bad' habits along with a full confession to the elders. This would spell a probable end to your relationship as well.

    Just be careful, be aware that you are playing with fire. I would leave marrage and especially children out of this picture until you have a very well spoken agreement about how the two of you will handle the religion issue. For example, will the children be able to celibrate their birthdays? Christmas? Will they have to attend JW meetings and service? A few points to consider. You might want to broach the issue of how strongly he beleives that JWs are 'the truth', would he consider info that shows they may not be all he's been taught to be?

    Sadly, you are being put in a bad situation. Many JWs are loney people, and he's found you. But if his love of the religion is more than his love for you, you are the one who will suffer for it. And often it has been the case that a long-time JW will 'play' with a 'wordly' person just because they want to live out their natural desires - but later they feel bad and drop the 'bad' things. Just be careful - you're putting yourself in a place where you can easily get hurt.

  • Xander

    itsalingthing, I hate to say it, but...

    You were right there with him and held the same beliefs. Something, or someone, gave you the courage to leave.

    You are criminally trivializing the process. I think I could count on one hand the number of people here whose leaving was without a lot of pain, anger, frustration, and bitterness.

    He sounds like a 'weak' JW. That might be good, or it might be bad. Why bad? Because THEY are the ones that go through 'guilt swings'. He may start smoking, dating wordly women, start 'slipping' - then comes convention time. Or, a CO visit. Suddenly, he is publisher #1, confesses all his sins, seems 'repentant' so is only reproved - dumps you, quits smoking, super-duper publisher.

    For a week or two. Then, comes crawling back...until the NEXT CO visit.

    Maybe you can live with that. I couldn't. Oh, and PRAY he never has a major life crisis or sees something in the news that confirms his brainwashing - that will send him WAY over the edge.

    Xander F
    (Unseen Apostate Directorate of North America - Ohio order)

    A fanatic is one who, upon losing sight of his goals, redoubles his efforts.
    --George Santayana

  • JBean

    Itsa... NO NO NO... DO NOT convert! Please TRUST those who have almost lost their lives (in many ways) trying to get out!!!! Or just voice their own minds! You have absolutely NO IDEA what it's all about unless you've lived it. Most mainstream religions are NOTHING AT ALL like the JW's. Please TRUST US that if you do convert, you are really, really, really (need I go on?) stuck if you want to assert any independence whatsoever... and if you change your mind... well FORGET ABOUT IT! Continue seeing this guy... marry him even (I married an unbeliever and had many wonderful years with him!) but DO NOT join. Period. Jbean (still a JW and trying like heck to get out with pieces of my life in tact!)

  • Unclepenn1

    I would recommend reading 'Crisis of Conscience' by Ray Franz. Ray was on the Governing Body for 9 years (The highest up in the org) and he tells all about the evil workings of the WT, lies, deception, et al. He is very kind and respectful in his assertations, yet it is stomach churning to read what men in power do with the lives of others. Email me and I will send you my copy. Perhaps this wil be good for both of you.


  • Matty

    If he is observed by two JWs to be smoking then he will be ousted, disfellowshipped, even if he denys it.

    As Xander puts it, he is definitely a "weak" JW, so how can he possibly honestly believe that the JW religion is "the truth"? If he did, then he would know that God is watching him all the time. He is already doing lots of things that are wrong by JW standards, and he should know he can't get away with it. If Armageddon comes while he's having a smoke then he's dead meat!

    There's hope here. You have to work on him a little more. Good luck!

  • Fredhall

    I fall in love with a non Witness.

  • Double Edge
    Double Edge

    Fred, just clarifying...did you say you WOULD fall in love with a non-JW or you HAVE fell in love with a non-JW?

  • CPiolo


    I would advise you to carefully consider your relationship with this man, as well as lesten to what you’ve been told here. You will be dealing with several issues as a non-Witness in a relationship with a Witness. Some of those have been related already, and these include: psychological/emotional issues, Witness xenophobia and distrust of outsiders, your place in the scheme of things (you will always come after organizational concerns and his loyalty to the religion), the inability of the Witness to participate in many things you take for granted (a list has already been posted to this thread), completely different social circles for the two of you (Witnesses are told to limit their relationships with outsiders to a minimum – proselytizing and necessary family business). Many of these you will be completely unaware of until they occur, unless you spend a lot of time investigating Witness history and belief, both official and unofficial (like this site).

    Let me relate a little personal experience. I am a non-Witness married to a Witness and was romantically involved with another many years before I met my wife. On both occasions the different religious perspectives caused great difficulties.

    The woman I dated was an un baptized Witness at the time, but was studying and for all intents and purposes a Witness. I knew little of Witness belief at the time except the usual – no birthdays, holidays, military service, blood transfusions. I had very strong feelings for this woman and she apparently did for me as well. We too engaged in some foreplay. This always resulted in her feeling terribly guilty afterwards. I repeatedly suggested that we didn’t engage in any activity that made her uncomfortable. Inevitably, she would instigate more physical contact than she was comfortable with.

    Eventually she spoke to an Elder or Elders. We had several discussions, but she couldn’t/wouldn’t stop expressing herself sexually (a completely normal thing in my viewpoint). One afternoon she left my house and said she loved me. The next day I received a call saying she could no longer see me and that she had left some things of mine at a coffee house a couple of doors away form my apartment. I saw her only once more, when she came by to return one more thing of mine she had forgotten to leave with my other things. I had the feeling she wanted me to ask her to change her decision, but I’d had enough of the emotional roller coaster, and just said thanks and see you later.

    Several years later, I talked with her by phone to ask her a couple of questions about something unrelated to us or Witness life. She was still a Witness and was in a relationship with a Jew. She had never, as far a I know, been in a relationship with a Witness. Her boyfriend previous to me was a Muslim.

    I am now married to a Witness, although she wasn’t a Witness when we married. She had been brought up attending meetings with her converted Witness mother, but her father never converted. Her mother is now inactive and would probably be disfellowshipped for some things she does now (playing the lottery, attending services in other churches – family weddings). My wife is the only active Witness in hers or my families.

    She returned to the group while going through some difficult emotional times. This is very common and I suggest you also read up on cult or high-control group issues (Steven Hassan has a couple of good books – Combatting Cult Mind Control, nonthreatening to a witness because it doesn’t mention the Wtinesses, and Releasing the Bonds). You could probably find these at a local library.

    Her involvement affects our relationship in many important ways and my wife isn’t what I’d call a die-hard believer. We have few friends in common. Visiting my family can be difficult because this often occurs during holidays. Raising our son is contentious because she wants to indoctrinate him and I steadfastly refuse to let him participate in Witness events. I said I would allow him to attend a special event like the Memorial, as long as I attend as well. After all, he does spend holidays with other relatives, both hers and mine.

    I am now prohibited from doing things we did before she returned – giving her birthday gifts, Mother’s Day gifts, going to weddings of friends together – unless they’re Witnesses, spending time with most of her friends – they, with one exception, never visit my wife while I’m at home. I did come home unexpectedly once while my wife had a Witness friend over. She left about as fast as she could without being rude. This friend has been a help to me in other ways though. She suggested moderation on my wife’s part when I put up Christmas lights, pointing out that I tolerated my wife’s beliefs and that she should tolerate mine.

    All in all my first reaction to those in situations like yours is to tell you, as another poster already had, to run like hell. The pain of ending a relationship with someone with whom your in love is less painful than the pain of a loving a Witness. But, of course, I can’t do that.

    I would however advise extreme caution. Take it very slow. Investigate as much as possible both the Watchtower Tract and Bible Society, high-control/cult groups and their effects on members. Consider very carefully what you want in a relationship, how important to you those things are, if they are possible with a Witness, how you will feel if you have to give them up, what issues you might have over raising a child, if your relationship progresses that far. Some of these things are hard to anticipate. I will tell you that I know of no one who is a non-Witness married to or in a relationship with a Witness who doesn’t have serious differences and difficulties with the Witness, unless religion, child rearing and a activities with the other person are not important to that person.

    Best of luck to you,


  • butalbee

    I've walked in your shoes, I've felt the same exact way you feel, I've even said some of the things you've said. BUT, as good as it may seem to be now, like you two are on the same wavelength, feeling the same thoughts looking into the future--marriage, kids, blah, blah, but be forewarned, when his guilt starts to overwhelm him, which it will if you two are doing anything remotely intimate--kissing, touching, whatever, the guilt will consume him. I know you have very strong feelings for him, and that you are falling in love w/ him, but my advice, for you is--to forget all about him, somehow get him out of your system--believe me it's hard--everytime I see mbst my heart aches cuz deep down I do the love the idiot. But I know now something I wish I knew then--all it's gonna do to you is cause you hardache. As much as I am grateful for knowing him, I also wish to God that I never met him--If that makes any sense, whatsoever. I've been through it all for OMG almost 2 yrs. We've had alot of great wonderful magical moments in time, but for ever good comes the bad. Just when you think it's gonna get better, it gets worst...My email is open if ya need to vent or talk or need some sort of advice...

    But I know you're gonna do the same thing I did when I came here asking a very similiar question--you're gonna continue your relationship...Many people here tried to help me, but I just wouldn't listen--But I wish I would've taken their advice, it would've saved me much grief...

    If interested, I'm adding the links to my first few posts; if it helps, maybe you'll see exactly what I'm trying to say.......

  • sunscapes

    in fred's case that was with himself

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