my life is a mess need some advice (page 3)

jgnat

It might help to imagine a new future for yourself. Imagine being in a committed relationship with a man you love and who loves you back. I think you have to find a way to love who you are and find new ways to express this. School is a great idea.

DesirousOfChange

I think you're confusing uncommitted sex with gay sex. Maybe the "hookups" leave you feeling guilty and empty because they aren't the result of a loving relationship. Sex without emotion can make people feel empty or guilty whether it is homosexual or heterosexual. Focus on stabilizing your life.

First, assuming you are gay based on the fact that you have had a couple same-sex experiences is jumping the gun (IMO). Maybe. Maybe not. Many young people experiment more than was done by past generations. It's typically much easier to find a quick hookup with another guy than developing a relationship with a nice gal. One-night-stands, regardless of the orientation, are not going to give you much emotional fulfillment. If you're looking for that same "feel good gratification" from a quick sexual hookup (vs alcohol or drugs), you might be dealing with another type of addiction that you haven't considered. Multiple addictions are common.

To turn your life around long term, focus on (1) education, so that you eventually qualify for more than a min wage job; (2) building a dependable reputation where you are working so you can advance there or elsewhere; (3) spend less than you earn; (4) counseling; (5) making friends.

You are young. You have much more of your life yet ahead of you. This kind of set back at this time in your life does not have to damage the rest of your life that is ahead of you. The choices you make, and what you do from here is what will determine that.

Good luck.

Doc

ABibleStudent

Hi deservingone26, Write down your plan then execute your plan. You can change your plan as your life and feelings change, but having it written down helps you decide what is really important for you.

For now make a simple plan, like workout instead of drinking, attend free recovery groups to work on your issues, and work hard to save up for a place of your own or to share an apartment with someone who is responsible. As you feel more emotionally, financially, spiritually, physically balanced, then start adding more details to your plan.

Have you read Steve Hassan's books ("Combatting Cult Mind Control", "Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves", and (his latest book) "Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults and Beliefs"), visited his website www.freedomofmind.com, and/or watched his videos on his website? Your life will get better the more that you critically think for yourself by doing your own independent research. Emotions can be very intoxicating, but you may become very depressed if your emotional decisions are not consistant with what you want out of life. Also, the mormons are a dangerous cult just like the WTBTS.

Best of wishes figuring out how you want to live your life.

Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

Robert

OnTheWayOut

I hesitate to type advice here, because I feel so strongly on my point of view. It is the religious back history that is making you "feel guilty." It is the feeling guilty that makes you so sure you have failed or are worthless. It is the feeling of failure and/or worthlessness that makes you do drugs.

You definitely need a professional counselor to help you get over that first problem- the religious back history.

As far as anyone helping you decide whether you are gay or not, that's up to you. A therapist/counselor can help. But Gay or Straight, either one is okay, and no reason to feel guilty about it. If you feel guilty about "hooking up," that feeling occurs for straight people too. But you need professional help sorting that from whether you should feel guilty or not. Personally, coming out of the JW religious mindset, I don't see anything wrong with casual sex.

People with unstable environments often have to work their way out of a bad situation. Minimum wage, but steady work, is a wonderful start toward improving your situation. Even setbacks like losing a job can hold you back for awhile. Don't be so down on yourself when your hurdles are so high that you can't overcome them right away.

clarity

((Deserving)) ... those are lovely words of help for you.

Your friends here, have given them to you freely with

concern & acceptance.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE .... the real thing...you are not

under pressure to accept it or pay a price for it.

Religion usually wants its pound of flesh!

Throw that crutch away & stand up strong,

move forward into a real life.

Wishing you the very best!

clarity

Hortensia

If you're not sure about being gay, marriage to a woman is not a good idea. Imagine her distress if you are gay and eventually leave the marriage. Take your time to figure out who you really are. Get an education, if at all possible.

I don't know, maybe none of my business to have said that, but I know of a couple of unhappy marriages because the husband or wife eventually admitted being gay and the marriages broke up.

jgnat

Me too, Hortensia. I met an elegant woman, Catholic, whose 25 year marriage ended when her husband finally admitted he was gay. With tears in her eyes, she wondered aloud why he didn't tell her years ago, and save them both a lot pain? She of course lived with the pain all those years thinking she was unappealing to her husband. And yet they are still the best of friends.

deservingone26

Thank you guys for your posts.This is the only counseling that i have received on my issues and whenever I get to the point of where I really need some advice i can always count on you guys to put in your thoughts and encouragement. I really think its time for me to really sit down and write out clear goals for myself as mentioned earlier. I dont want to focus on being gay or straight right now. I really do think its just part of my addiction problems of wanting that "quick fix" I've never persued a relationship with a guy and honestly dont think i would want one. It just seems boring. After i hook up i want nothing to do with the other person usually. I feel like i have two personalities or somethink like dr jekyl and mr hyde or something lol because i say that now but in a week its like i have these urges to go out and hook up and sometimes i act on them and sometimes i dont. Right now im thinking i dont want it all and is that me just not accepting it or what? im not sure. In an ideal world like i said i would be straight and have a relationship with a women who was comfortable with my past because I am not going to try to hide that fact that I do have same sex attractions from her either. I dont know if it will ever happen but that is what I want. But I dont think im in a position to be looking for a relationship i really need to figure out me. I do want to go back to school. I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do and I do have dreams. Which my first dream was to move to San Diego its something Ive wanted since I was 18. I love it here. I should have came out here with more money but I am in a place where I can get some help.

OnTheWayOut

I read your thoughts here and read between the lines that you are very much hung up on "hooking up" and not wanting to be gay.

That may be fine in the end. You can be straight in a committed relationship if that's what you decide to do. But please consider that it's all part of your religiously implanted guilt over such things. I imagine that hooking up with a woman would, to a lesser degree, give you the same kind of guilt and excuse to do drugs because you let others down. You are certainly probably very right not to pursue a relationship right now while you sort this out. The Doctor Jekyl/Mister Hyde thing kind of confirms that you have inner conflicts.

Regardless, good luck.

problemaddict

Hey bud. While not gay myself, I do live in San Diego. Comatose do you as well?

Perhaps we can grab a cup of coffee sometime. Not a gay cup of coffee, just a regular chai frapachino with 4 extra pumps and cinnamon sprinkles or something like that.

my life is a mess need some advice

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