Hello to all. Lurkers, debaters, haters, lovers, the lost, the found, and the misplaced. It's been a while, and I wanted to pop in. I am afraid that the only evidence in some respects that I have lived in the decade known as my 30's is on this forum. It's a good exercise for me to look at the past and reflect about how far I have come. (as well as how many intellectual pieces of clothing I have tried on)
This post isn't about Jehovah's Witnesses per se. It's about being a human being.
Imagine that you just didn't know. 1914. The 144,000. Elders. Circuit Overseers. District Conventions. Circuit Assemblies. Kingdom Halls. Etc. (A TON of etc's.....)
Imagine that you didn't get upset at any of it, because you just didn't know about it. Imagine that you are the person you always wanted to be.
And then, the knock on the door. Two teenage girls, in a very friendly, sincere manner, share a little tract and read a scripture. How cute. They are so polite and friendly, dressed so nice. So you take the tract. And then you read it, (which takes 30 seconds and three brain cells) and throw it away.
And you get on with your day. That sounds cool.
Imagine that your life wasn't interrupted. That you go on smoothly, that the wound isn't there, and that instead of a hole in your heart, you have a soul. That you feel like a human being, who can give and receive love, you know why you are here and who you are, you get life, and get death too, and you happily accept that this is at the very least, all you have NOW.
Here's the catch: Most people are just like you. They just weren't JW's at one time. But trust me, they were something else. Maybe you feel that you are WAY far away, but in reality, you are only as far away as you are willing to accept and love yourself. That is the start of everything. The older you get, the more you can see that the shit stirrers and the idiots hate themselves, and need to distract themselves from that pain. (So stop hating yourself, where you come from, and love yourself. You are truly unique, there isn't another YOU in the closet that will replace you. You are your unique thoughts and experiences. Wear it proudly!)
JW's are masters of getting you to think that you should put off your life and your humanity, (so that you can give the balance of it to them). They offer to fill some basic human needs, such as work, purpose, community, and (conditional) acceptance.
In return, you have to give up your first name in most cases (brother or sister will suffice), agree to limit what you will learn about and whose perspectives and opinions you will consider, agree to change with the leadership and not question anything. Keep up with the perscribed activity, and report on yourself in all kinds of ways.
Your reward is community. Your reward is that you belong. You are loved for what you do, not who you really are. So instead of becoming who you are, you do what you can. Just so long as you don't question, debate, and grow.
I bet that was a deal breaker for you somewhere along the way.
I have enjoyed my time debating and arguing about politics, religion, god, theism, atheism, faith, belief, and how badly some football teams suck. (Both the Steelers and the Liverpool Reds) There was a purpose to it, esp if you are leaving and needing to figure things out. I enjoyed the ability I had to disagree with some people, and even tell them I didn't like them. Wow! Never got to tell anyone I despised in the Borg that I hated their guts. That's sort of a rush! And with the ability to do this, I tried on different points of view, got angry, got passionate, got happy, and forgot how to be happy. Overall, I took the time to figure out some things for me.
Among the most difficult for me personally was, 'Will I always be haunted, and feel that my identity is only as a former JW?' Happily, that answer is, I am ME. And I am the only person that needs to be cool with that fact.
One of the neat things about the ex JW community is the fact that on some level, you are motivated to come here and bleed a little bit, bare your soul, share your stories and your pain. And share the triumph as well. To me, you haven't given up on life. Which is awesome! It's a form of growing and learning.
It is impossible to agree all the time with everyone. The point isn't to agree. The point is to become who you are, to discover, and then, hopefully, to LOVE AND LIVE. Also the point is to know and understand that you will have to see where and who you are, and accept that most people will in fact, NOT agree with you or your decisions. (and to know that this is ok too.)
Some days I want to share what I have learned since I have left, (and I might do that) but on the other hand, what's the point? To get you to agree, so I feel validated? To find someone to disagree and debate with so I can mask my pain and justify my existence by finding my polar opposite, my intellectual enemy? To fill the empty time that I have no idea what else to do with by arguing and pointing out how wrong you are?
I would say one thing that is very important; Get it out. Bleed a bit. (But dress and heal the wound, lest it get infected) Get angry, get pissed, empathize, sympathize, love, help, and support. But don't forget to live outside this forum. I can say one thing with certainty: If all you have is this forum right now, please know, I, along with many others, have been there. Just don't stay there. If this forum is all you have, understand that this is a way station, a place to take a break, reorganize, and learn what you want to take with you on the rest of your journey.
I will always come back to this forum on occasion. I am so glad it and a couple of others were there for me. In doing my thing here, I have also learned that it isn't my purpose in life to get too much into the ex JW support scene. Maybe that will change as I continue to grow and come into more ownership of myself. I have a life to live, and people to associate with outside of the internet.
But I will always lurk. I may even meet a few of you in person at some point if that will work.
I haven't given up on JW's, or ex JW's. I am merely beginning to live.
...OUTLAW