I give up

by KariOtt 30 Replies latest jw friends

  • baltar447

    Dafuq did I just read from anon...??

  • steve2

    The saving grace of anon's supercharged posts is they are far too long for most posters to read. This is a shame because lurking in the weight of the words is probably an okay thought or two...perhaps.

  • ingimar

    I know how you feel KariOtt although my husband actually chose me over the cult. I gave him a choice, it was either them or me and miraculously, he chose me. I told him that I wouldn't stand for being second and that if our marriage was not going to be his number one priority then it was definitely not going to be mine. I said that I did not know at the time what I was going to find to replace my focus but that I would find something and that it would probably be a charity. I told him that I would not leave the marriage but that I would want him to move into a separate bedroom and that if he wanted, he could leave but that I was staying. I also told him that I would make it very clear to his non JW family members (which is his entire family) what was happening and that he had chosen this cult over our marriage. I also told him that I would also talk to the pesty elder that kept coming to our house and tell him that we met online and that we lived together for 3 years before we got married and that we had lots of great premarital sex. I let him know that I was devastated but that I would not be my husband's second priority and if I was then he would be mine.

    Well much to my surprise, he chose me! I am not saying that it will work for you but it worked for me. I did have the advantage that neither his family (except one sister overseas) nor any of his friends are JWs and they like me. They would have been furious at him if he chose the cult. This was a few months ago and he has not attended a meeting since. I told the pesty elder to stay away and to my knowledge, there has been no contact between my husband and any JWs. My husband has returned to his non cult happy self and I just pray that it lasts. Good Luck to you!

  • Daniel1555

    Hi kariott

    I feel for you. Before you give up just tell him your feelings and that it can't go on like this.

    If he is loving, caring and if you are important for him, then he should afterwards show by actions that he takes more time for you.


  • Julia Orwell
    Julia Orwell

    Check this out hon, especially the part about invalidating your feelings.


  • pronomono

    I know I will never get him out... I am now having bad dreams that he wants to know about. Why should I tell him. All he will do is dismiss them along with my feelings, telling me they arn't real.

    How do you know unless you express yourself to him?

    I second what Ingimar and Daniel say. Talk to your husband. If anything, it will make you feel better and have less regrets about what you decide to do next. If you leave now, you will always wonder what could have happened if you just spoke up and told him about your issues, 100% open honesty, if you really feel it is reaching the point of no return. Who knows? Maybe you will win him over. It's not guaranteed, but it if you still love him, it is worth the effort. If he does not respond and you decide to pursue a life without him, you will have less regrets.

    Personally for me, when I started opening up to my wife about my JW issues, although it was painful and she said some hurtful things, it has opened the way for more candid communication. When I act certain ways at the KH, she has a better understanding of what I'm going through. She doesn't like it. Nor does she believe. In her mind, I think that if she waits this out I'll come back around. In my mind, I'm thinking she'll do the same. But now things are in the open, there is less tension in our marriage. We are more loving to each other. We cherish the time we have together.

  • flipper

    KARI- I really feel for you in what you're going through. I spent 19 years in a marriage to a fanatic JW woman who wanted to constantly have a threesome with Jehovah, her, and the WT organization - leaving me out in the cold as the observing 4th party- not fun. I agree with some here that you REALLY need to talk and communicate your feelings to your husband. Ask him to go to professional marriage counseling sessions with you as it is affecting your marriage over the long haul. I know he's a JW and will probably balk at going to marriage counseling- however elders are NOT trained in dealing with amily or marriage crisis problems - esecially when the JW cult is involved and the cult is the maority of the problem. Elders cannot or will not stay neutral or balanced in counsel- they will always favor the believing mate or WT organization they don't even have a college degree in counseling anyway, not educated in the least.

    If you want to deal with the situation- it takes communication and openess. Give it a try or unfortunately your other options are to just leave without attemting to fix this broken marriage or suffer in silence the rest of your life. If you still love the guy then why not try to see if you can fix it through counseling ? Just my 2 cents. Then after you've exhausted your options you'll know more where his head is at and if you'll be able to retrieve or save the marriage or not. The picture gets clearer at that juncture. Good luck we are here for you friend

  • JWdaughter

    You are very isolated, but you are not alone in this world.

    There are actual home based businesses that you can do from the computer and mail. I am doing one myself now and itdoesn't require me to go running around, but it does require me to prospect and follow up. There are others that can finish the deal, but it is also an option for me to do so (and make more money!).

    There are a lot of legitimate ways to build a business online these days and right now you have the PERFECT opportunity to spread your wings in this way. PUt your energies into it and prepare yourself for your future-with or without him. At some point,you may need tomake a choice. While I hope it doesn't come to that, I would suggest that you keep this entirely in your own name and work entirely independently of him (not that he would help anyway, certainly)

    If you want to email me, you can, but if not, just go online and do research and find yourself some options. You are going to need options, one way or the other.

    Be strong, be brave and be fearless. Don't wait for him to get a clue. You already have one!

  • KariOtt

    Thank you all for your comments. I have expressed my feelings to hubby and he always invalidates them. I wish I could work but don't for tax reasons. Even if hubby would let me get a job there are non available. The unemployment rate where I live is almost 20%. I live in a very small town population less than 500. Only a gas station, hardare store and post office. There are everal summer camps but all are closed for the season.The closest so called big city is over 25 miles away. Jobs are snatched up as fast as they are available. When I expressed that he could get a divorce because he isn't spiritually bound to me he told me that wasn't true. I quit asking him to look up several items of concern to me including the spiritually bound item. He keeps saying that all my concerns are unfounded and hasn't got time enough to look them up. Even though I have provided wt issue dates, page #, and paragraph to make it easier for him.

    jgnat..... I do plan on looking into online classes. That is a great idea. I also want to take some quilting classes.

    bohm.... I have no idea how to use his mac or how to install keylogger. I don't even know what that is.

    anoyzmoz....Logic wont work as he shuts me down and or claims that its a self fullfilling profrocie.

    ruderedhead....Yes I do belong to a church and enjoy it a lot. Volunteering is another option I hadn't considered.

    honesty..... before I got married I was working 2 fulltime jobs 80 hours a week in Vegas.

    steve2....I wish it was another woman instead of the borg. It would be easier to take. Really.

    ingimar....I wont make him chose. I'm sur

  • KariOtt

    ingimar.... I wont make him chose. I'm sure he would chose me. However that would most likely cause resentment on his part resulting in a nasty divorce. He is the only person I don't want to end up hating. A nasty divorce would end up in myself hating him.

    pronomono and daniel1555.....I have already expressed my feelings to him many times. He wants to know what my bad dreams are about but I told him that I wont tell him. That he already invaulidates my feelings and I wont let him invaulidate my subconcious.

    julia..... Thanks for the link. Skully has already given me several on abusive relationships. I know he is emotionally abusive.

    flipper.... I wont leave him again. I have already done so twice in the last 8 months. My vows mean more to me than they do to him. I know this.

    everyone else thanks for your support in letting me vent. JWN is the only place I can freely express myself. I am greatful for that.

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