I have read many personal stories on the web...on this site, and on many others. Yours was the first where I actually had to stop to cry.
I believe that your Father, who is in the heavens, Jehovah God, and His son, Jesus, love you very much, and that it was Jehovah who put it in your mind to write from your troubled heart. It was an important step!
First, please re read ALL the responses again...and again! There is much good advice! Especially the advice about getting to a meeting of "Adult Children Of Alcholics". I believe that the entire 12 Step program is from God himself. It is an entirely spiritual program. You learn, really learn, what it means to have a loving, and secure relationship with Jehovah!
You are not worthless!! The "feeling" of worthlessness is not from God, but from your adversary, the Devil himself!
You are so right, there are so many dear Brothers and Sisters in the organization, but that doesn't mean that the one's who have been running the show are doing so for your own good! You are responsible for your life. And you have never LIVED your life! As you said, you spent most of your life trying to please your father. But your Father, Jehovah, gave you your life to live!
Read the "Crisis Of Conscience", by Raymond Franz. You can get it at any Bible Book Store. It is not an "apostate" book. It is a book written by a dear Brother, much like you, and it is humbly written from the heart of a broken, and sad man.
As it was advised to you earlier, above all else, PRAY! Do not let any negative feelings of "not worthy" get in your way! Read the scriptures with prayer, and an open heart. There is much comfort and joy in store for you!
Ask for Jehovah's constant guidance in this scary transition faze of the birth of your life. With God, all things are possible!
I know you are sad for the loss of your father and children, but your first responsibility is to you, and your spiritual and emotional healing. And that is going to take a long time. Take the first step. Pray about the advice you have been given here. Call the main number of "Alcoholics Anonymous" and ask for the ACOA number.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
You are not alone! Keep posting! Pray! Believe that Jehovah knows your pain and that He wants you to be happy! Jehovah is a happy God! And He wants you to be happy, too!
And remember, Jesus died so that your sins might be forgiven. He died so that "who so ever believed in Him might not perish...". Do not think that you can earn your way into Jehovah's good graces. You already are. All you need is His love, and you have that, and to accept what He has already provided.
In His Arms,