Am I wasting my time?

by mrhhome 36 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  nugget

  No you are not wasting your time. You supported your wife and showed support, that is never a waste. You did not allow JWs to spout self righteous nonsense they need to be challenged. You did not enable their bad behaviour.

  Trust me whilst a JW I was challenged several times. I never forgot a single one of those conversations, I remembered the words and the passion and they stuck in a way positive encounters did not. Who knows what long term effect your words will have but be sure they have had an impact.
• 

  AnnOMaly

  You were right to be angry. After assurances that there were no 'JW issues' regarding you and your wife's presence at the funeral, the brother reneged on that last minute and humiliated/hurt you both.

  Now, according to what you said about your brother-in-law's demeanor, it sounds like he was put up to it. He was pushed forward to do the dirty work and he didn't want to do it. Some self-righteous member(s) of the funeral party had sudden pangs of conscience and probably caused a scene with the other relatives, pulling an emotional blackmail stunt ('We're not coming to the wake if a DFed person is there.'). Difficult situation for a JW - do you choose the DFed relative over the 'righteous' JWs (looks bad in the JW community) or throw the DFed relative under the bus (looks bad to regular people)? It's such a pity that your BIL didn't stand up to the complainers and for your wife, who had been invited, been assured this kind of nonsense wouldn't come up, and who had every right to be there. The unpleasant experience may have pricked his conscience and stay with him. Hopefully, he'll learn not to treat anybody that way again.

  Hubby and I have these games to look forward to in the future. One of my JW relatives is very elderly and the family is split between DFeds, non-JWs and JWs who all have great affection for this relative. It's going to be fun planning that funeral (not).

  -----------

  @Perry - Good response! I've thought along the same lines: "And in which of those categories do you put me in so that I am unworthy to share a meal with?"
• 

  Black Sheep

  They need to know that good people find their behaviour offensive and unchristian, so you did a good job.

  If you are telling them what is wrong with their church, they are trained to not listen, so don't waste your time trying.

  If you want to get somewhere with them, you need them to think that you are a potential convert and get them wanting to save you. Make them want to answer your questions, questions that you chose because you already know that they don't have sensible answers.

  Never answer their questions because they are just trying to change the subject. When they do answer you .... pause ..... ask yourself ..... "Did they really answer the question that I asked?" They seldom do. If they tried that trick, use questions to give them a guilt trip for trying to trick you.

  Remember at all times, that they are taught that they are the only ones that have 'The Truth' that will save your arse from the wrath of their killer god and that if they don't do their god given mission of getting the Watchtower's message through to you, you will be killed in the near future.

  Stay calm

  Ask questions

  Keep them honest

  Good luck

  Black Sheep
• 

  mrhhome

  Thank you all for your comments. As I indicated earlier, I had been questioning whether I did the right thing. However, as many of you pointed out, you have to stand up to the JW. We have to call out their nonsense. I am going to keep prodding my brother-in-law. I think that his wheels are turning. Unfortunately, he is in a bad spot. If he stands up to the JW, it will rip apart his immediate family. However, as many of you said, you never know how much fruit a seed will bear.

  Regarding Captain Obvious's comment "While the JW stuff may not have fully sunk in with her, she may still have some of the cult phobias or reactions built in." Having educated myself over the last couple of months, I now understand a great deal about my wife that I never appreciated previously. Yes, some it can be traced back to the JW. Then again, some of the good can also be traced back to her upbringing. It is pretty amazing that she has managed to keep the good and shed most of the bad. After all, we all have our pasts, and they make us who we are.
• 

  WingCommander

  6 months ago I told my wife's sister (and her family) to ALL go F*ck themselves for their hateful treatment of us. They are ubber self-righteous posuers with delusions of granduer, and self-centered narcassists. Did I mention they are Lutherns, and not JW's? Doesn't matter......the treatment of our wives is the same, hateful and disrespectful, and our wives deserve better than to be treated like dirt.

  Glad to meet another man who's got the galls to stand up for his wife and family. Kudos to you!!!

  Wing Commander
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  You know your wife's family way better than we would. If you want to "keep prodding" your brother-in-law, maybe you feel you can get somewhere. From the initial story, I would say "Don't bother with her brother." I would suggest your wife get some counseling for her sexual abuse and any number of other issues especially involving the JW's. I suggest that because she probably would like to tell her father about it, something she could have done to get around her mother's silence. She might also need some kind of confrontation with her mother, perhaps her brother or others. But she needs to work it out before just exploding this part of her life.

  If you cannot get her to counseling, you can at least discuss these possibilities and show her your love and unconditional caring.
• 

  TerryWalstrom

  Human beings are remarkably resilient!

  We are at the top of the Food Chain for a reason.

  Sooner or later the time will come when even the most deeply entrenched person of religious or superstitious character comes face to face with REALITY. It will smack them in the head and get their attention!

  When that time comes, all the little seeds of rational doubt you have planted will present the ALTERNATIVE to false and mystical wishful thinking.

  Depending on how intellectually honest the person is--the right choice will be much easier to make.

  Think of an Alcoholic. You can rant, rave, lecture, threaten and such til you are blue in the face--nothing will matter---UNTIL, the drunk hits rock bottom. That is the moment of reckoning.

  If you have offered tough love (but LOVE none-the-less) who do you think will be seen as a faithful ally and a source of nurturing truth unfettered by cultish mind control?

  Don't lose hope and optimism, they are the rain which brings forth life and growth and beauty.

  Be realistic, steady, encouraging and factual and as surely as day follows night, the clouds will break and the daylight will pour in.