No, I'm not misquoting Peter talking to Jesus again, or relating a conversation I had with a JW.
I'm asking something a little different.
I began my fade in Jan this year and completed it at the memorial on 26th March. Since learning TTATT and becoming mentally free, my depression has improved, I see colours better, and my anxiety issues have dissolved. I returned to teaching high school after years away from it, and am a substitute teacher at some local schools. I've built a nice clientelle with some nice schools.
My husband is also faded from JWs and has a beard, my family have given us a lot of support, and we have been saving for a house deposit when I've been getting enough substitute work. So what am I asking?
This last week my depression has come creeping back, and I can't deal with teenagers this week. I'm a good teacher, but when your cognitive functions pack it in the kids run all over you because you're weak, and that of course adds to your feeling of losing control of your mind. If my schools call me any more days this week I'll just tell them I'm not available, because I've had depression for years and know the signs of going downhill into an episode, which usually results in a breakdown. I feel that happening.
Why? Things are great now with TTATT. I thought this afternoon, maybe "Jehovah" of JWs is true and because I've "left" him I've lost his protection. Then I remembered I used to have breakdowns all the time as a JW and have to take weeks off work. So that's not the reason.
But I'll tell you something. I'm scared. If I can't teach, I have to find work in my other area, administration. That work pays 1/3 and is boring as hell. And it's hell hard to get part time work (I physically can't work full time due to the ongoing effects of an infection I was hospitalised for in Nov 2011) and my nerves for teaching are fraying. I'm searching for admin work, doing what I can in my own way. But I'm scared. I've got to think about the future and what my health will allow me to do. I also have to quit teaching for as long as it takes to avert a breakdown or depressive episode. No longer can I just go, "Ah, Jehovah will provide." And somehow, I always managed. I chalked it up to him helping me like the WT propaganda told me.
Looking back, what helped me rather than Jehovah was my own foresight, planning and determination. I still have those things as much as my depression addled brain will allow. I would like to study adult education maybe, but I like teenagers. I don't like it when they go feral though.
So what I'm asking is, where will life take me next? What can I do? Where were you 6 months after leaving JWs? Is it normal to experience the liberation of leaving and reclaiming yourself, and then settle into your old psychoses?