A Cry for Help

by Thoughtless 52 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Thoughtless


    I have been lurking here for months now, and I just decided to post here and actually INTERACT with this community. I have a very specific/unordinary life, so I will not divulge too much information to protect my privacy. I am a baptized publisher who is under the age of 25 who attends college, and I do have responsiblities within the congregation. Yet, I have come to have serious doubts about the Organization, and I now believe it to be false, but I have no clue how to get out. Being adopted (through my adoptive family I have learned about the "TROOF") , the family that I have is the only family that I know, and leaving them will take a serious hit to my morale and I already suffer through depression and anxiety. For those in the truth, why did you guys still stay? I feel like if I stay, it is a serious flaw of character, and it is intellectually, and doctrinally immoral and I could not live a lie of falsity. Yet, I feel like if I stay, that could inspire many to go to college as well, instead of fleeing from it ,especially my younger brother who demonstrates a hunger for it. I am pretty young still, and I got 60 college credits within nine months and still graduated with Honors, and I still aspire to achieve more, but I feel that if I leave, it will be a deterrent to my brother in regards to higher education. I am a critical thinker, and I am more of an 'independent' person who tries not to ask much from anybody. I feel like I am on the bottom rung in the congregation due to the fact that I am persuing higher education, but I hide my intellectualism well (for it is a cause of contention at home). I plan after I finish my 4 year education to go to MA and persue my MA/Ph.D, and leave the rat race in the congregation. I feel that my own personal congregation is almost the ideal one and if it wasn't tied to the Organization, I would probably stay in. I act like a schizoid in the congregation, and pretty much asexual/schizoid at home, because I don't want to get too close with people now that I have an exit strategy. This is even affecting my friendships outside of the congregation (in which I have many), and it frustrates me and puts me in deep apprehension and paranoia. I am so so sorry to be so general in this, for there is a bigger story to tell, but I cannot afford to get exposed now, due to the fact that I am still reliant on my mother. For those in the truth, and haven't left, I especially need your help. I just feel trapped. I want to live, love, feel, and not pretend to be this drone anymore. I have cut off friendships, turned away great potential relationships, all in the name of falsity. I KNOW I have potential to exceed, but I need to know if I am doing the right thing, and such. I just need guidance.

    Thank you,


  • punkofnice

    Welcome thoughtless.

    I s'pose some will say to seek therapy but as we're not big on this in the UK I don't know how it works wherever you are.

    This article may be of interest to you


    Anyway. I look forward to our little chats old bean.

  • Thoughtless

    Ah, PON, I am familiar with your posts. Are you DF'd or DA'd? But nonetheless, it just frightens me how all of my family buys into this BS, and I feel like I am the only one with his eyes wide open, yet I am too low in my social status at home to say anything (albeit, I am seen as the oldest).

  • maninthemiddle

    I think that If I were your age and still in school I would try to stay and help others. I felt I had to leave rather abrutly since I had a child and did not want him exposed to it.

    I think being calm and rational, formulating a long term exit plan and a path to help your brother would be in your best interest. It sounds to me that if you leap too soon the emoational upheavel my be too much.

    I'm sure by now you have read many experinces on this message board. Many are bad, but some are good.

    I think in partucular I read the reddit message board where there are lagre percentage of younger people, the common advice is to finish school, use the time to make outside friends and have a place to land when you leave.

  • CADSkin

    Welcome. The only advice I can give is make a plan and stick to it. It seems like you’re heading in the right direction but don’t think you will be an example to others in the cong. If anything it will be another shining example of a young person who had an independent spirit who put himself first went to go to college and left because of it. Remember, there is no fault in the Truth so you leaving means there is something wrong with you. Staying for your brother is noble and only you know best the influence you can have on his direction. Have an emotional outlet outside of your immediate support circle. Speaking as someone who Is also adopted and has had issues with anxiety and depression, get professional help for this. I wish I would’ve seen a professional when I was much younger. Good luck

  • Thoughtless

    That is amazing advice. My brother isn't a critical thinker though like me. He will serve for the "love of men", I serve because of the "fear of men". But staying is having horrible effects on me. Especially in terms of people of the opposite sex. I just feel lonely, man. I will still be below 20 if I do finish college for my BA. So, I am still screwed.

  • BackseatDevil

    I agree with the above article. I will also add somthing that I didn't have, but could have used.

    The mentality of JWs is surrounded by the idea that the intertwined network of people provide a safety net for all of your problems. One of the hardest challenges to leaving is not having that safety net around you, especially when it comes to family. So, I would add to the above, that while you're going to school, try to find people who you can be close to and trust, those that will be part of your new network of friends who can eventually (down the road) be a reliable safety net to you once you establish exactly who you are.

    Other than that, we are all here for you, so if you have any specific questions or problems... that is what we're here for. ask away. :-)

  • Thoughtless

    CADSkin, the idea of that is just horrifying. My first mentor, who taught me, is now fading. My second mentor has an IVY LEAGUE education and tried to encourage me to pioneer instead of college and is a teacher himself. My mind is full of what.

  • Simon

    You really have no choice:

    Once you've seen the wizard is just a guy behind a curtain ... you cannot believe in the Wizard again.

    You certainly can't sacrifice your life and future (college / university etc...) because of some old guy.

    But, freedome doesn't come without a price - sometimes you're lucky and can convince friends and family that it's wrong, sometimes it takes a while and unfortunately, sometimes you get cut-off.

    But that is their choice, not your choice. Is it fair for them to direct your life when it comes to serious choices that affect your future? No ... but it doesn't mean that it won't hurt if they refuse to listen.

    One option is to not make it an issue and just gradually fade and withdraw ... people don't notice slow changes as much as a smack in the head!

  • punkofnice


    This is just part of my story......

    I can only say that although it blew my family apart I'm glad to be out of the destructive cult.

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