I am miserable...am I crazy?

by Cagefighter 27 Replies latest jw friends

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  Cagefighter

  As a born in JW my outlet was always music. My parents let me do piano lessons (from another sister) and when I was 14 I lobbied hard enough for a guitar. I formed a decent punk/emo type in high school behind my parents back. I had to move with them 1000 miles two weeks after high school and I pulled my fade then. Got into drugs and drinking, always justified it b/c I was a musician. Around 22 I was really into drugs and I actually was leading a cooll band that was getting some cred, but my drug use was getting in the way. I met a really cool girl the same time the band was breaking up and I fell in love. After a year I sold all my guitars, figured it was time to become a man and try and support a home. I never could, she always made more than me, I was jealous, her mom played our issues against the other and I was not mature it didn't work out.

  So 10 years ago, I am alone, no band, no girl, no drugs, and I get into meth...ice... really bad shit. I need a job, so I take a job at a collection agency even though I feel like I am selling my soul. Over the years I battle with being in collections and finally I just resign myself to that is who I am and what I am good at.... I dunno... I got a loan almost a year ago to start my own agency... been doing ok... but deep in my heart...... I hate all of this. I hate what I have become.... I have what I have to do to survive...... I hate it all...... I haven't touched a guitar in about 4 years... but that doesn't mean I don't think about making music and wondering if I made the wrong choice way back....

  I am 34, unmarried, no kids, and I think I made the wrong choice 10 years ago. I gave up and wussed out when I should have stayed with my music. I am ambitious and I think I have tried to be a sucess in business to make my parents or others happy. I really don't give a shit. I hate caring about money, because I don't. Did I make a huge mistake? Should I just walk away from this mess, buy a cheap guitar, wait tables and do what I know I was put here to do? I have no business owning a collection agency, I am the least materialistic guy in the world.

  I have been listening to The Gas Light Anthems alot... maybe I relate to those guys. If they can not give a fuck then so can I right? What did I do?
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  AnneB

  There are a lot of people in your situation. Try keeping your job (even though you hate it) until you can sell the agency. Buy a guitar as soon as you can afford one (and not a real cheap one; they sound horrible!), then play at open mics in the evenings for your own enjoyment and to build your name. After a year or so, evaluate your options once again.

  One step at a time gets you to where you want to be. Leaping without a landing place only brings trouble.

  Sincere best wishes,

  AB
• 

  sarah-is-free

  go see a

  Psychologist
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  Cagefighter

  Thanks Anne...just good to have someone listening to my craziness right now... I did the open mic thing, I know the game... I was pretty good, I just walked away from it because deep down I thought I was supposed to give it up and find a job at some point and take care of a family. Well that was a dumb idea I realize now. Probably some bull shit to make my Dad realize I didn't need him or psychological bull shit. Now I am 35, see the world for what it is, and my JW dad is actually pretty cool. I think he would actually be cooler with me being a muscian all out than a collection agency mogul... It's just an ugly biz, grinds down the soul. The anti-thesis of having a plan. I dunno... please talk to me people. I am desperate for once.

  I know and I am respected by a lot of nationwide musicians...they look at me as that unheard of and unknown guy that fell off....I am at the point now where I realize we have to make choices. We are all in for our passions or we are not... I think it's time I went all in. I don't need a girlfriend or family. I just need to be happy doing what I supposed to be doing.
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  cptkirk

  i have family members who are in bands....seems like a different mind-set, and if i had musical abilities, i'd probably have a different mind-set too. stepping away from the mind-set of a musician for a second, i would say that one general rule that i've learned, or at least works well for me is, ride your strong points as hard as you possibly can. whatever it is that you are good at, you should be working to make it better every single day. i think this is one thing that saves us from the kind of moments like you mention, where you feel like you woke up, 10 years went by, and you have nothing to show for it. drilling your strong points every day and building on them constantly is a hedge against this type situation, and of course there are other benefits to thinking this way also.

  if the business works, no need to just walk away from it. it is better to hit this type of situation at 34 than it is to hit it at 54...and the fact is, most people do have a circumstance crash into them like this at least once during their life. there are many people out there who wish they had the natural abilities to play guitar; there is no reason that playing guitar needs to be synonymous with being irresponsible.
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  Cagefighter

  Is it being irresponsible if I keep a roof over my head and pay my way? I detest the guy I am having to become to make it in this business. Don't get me wrong, I am not polyanna. I have been in the collections biz for a while and I rationalized everything I do a long time ago. This is about who I am and how I am spending my life I guess. If my work was saving poor children from contaminated drinking water that would be one think... However, my work is so self centered and about greed, anger, and just being plain sharky....

  I have never been a materialistic person, my sucess in this business has always been due to my ability to relate to others. Which is how I roll as a musician as well. As a collector I am constantly needing validation.... I think I am going to just... I dunno... Anyone want to hear one of my songs from a decade ago and them decide...LOL....
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  Amelia Ashton

  I would love to hear one of your songs Cagefighter.

  If music is what you desire then make time for it. Never deny music or art in your life. It defines as humans more than anything else, including science IMO

  Do you equate success with money? Do what you need to do to keep yourself warm and fed but what brings you happiness has to be included, or what's the point of living.
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  Hortensia

  I think the idea of building up your business so you can sell it is a good one. Make it a goal. At the same time, buy that guitar and start playing. Find some folks to play music with, let your hair down and have fun after work and on weekends. Then when you sell your business, you will have some money to live on for a while, and you can throw yourself into your music wholeheartedly.
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  Lozhasleft

  Hi Cagefighter, I'm sad to hear about how you're feeling but you know, you've worked hard to get to where you are in business. Why not let it help you, kind of 'pay you back'? Carry on with it but go buy your guitar/s now, being financially ok can mean you can buy something really class. Then use all your spare time to polish up your playing again and yes, maybe open mic nights to get you back in the swing of playing for others. Gradually let your love of music change the balance of your life until eventually it is your full focus again.

  I personally don't think it's an either/or situation, if you chuck the business now you might have to devote so many hours to making a living that you have little time to give to your music anyway. That would defeat the object, surely? and you could regret your decision to pass up a good living which can support your music more easily? Meanwhile, lets hear some of your music yea!

  Loz x
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  jwfacts

  There is nothing wrong with you being in a collections agency. Someone needs to do it, and if you are good at it then it is a good way to make a living, which we have to do, like it or not. But that only need be 40 hours a week. You have plenty of spare time to devote to music as well. If you get a band that takes off you can sell the agency. But in the meantime the job can support your passion.