Distrust and paranoia among faders

by cedars 77 Replies latest jw friends

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  problemaddict

  @redvip - Something you said resonated. Your family basically views you as "weak", when more likely the reality is you know more about the religion of your youth that you ever have. I find it interesting (myself having not attended for 6 months now), that the assumption is you are a "doubter", "spiritually weak", or "in spiritual shipwreck". In other words, it is never what it really is, and that is the best way to leave it. At least if they consider you weak, they will leave you alone.

  @ Sophie - I feel you lady. I have that burning desire to do more than stand outside somewhere with a sign.....which I can't do anyways. While those people may have paved the way, the branch has too much influence on the mind to make that effective. Rather the only thing they will respect I believe is 3 things.

  1) Money. Hit them in the pocketbook.

  2) Bad press. This is especially terrible and "reproach" we know is the buzz word.

  3) Mass revelation of the unexplainable.

  I have really been racking my brain to see how we can even ina small way unify this community so as to be more effective. Get everyone willign to live an unselfish motivated existance for the sake of their fellowman, on the train to mental freedom if you will.
• 

  zed is dead

  I totally understand the fears of faders. My closest ex-JW friends are faders, and I would NEVER do anything to endanger their lives with friends and family. I do however, offer the opportunity for faders to contact me anonymously if THEY need someone safe to talk to. I will give out my contact information to certain people. If someone needs to talk, I am safe. I have references, LOL.

  It doesn't matter to me if they give me their information or not. I just want to give support where I can. But I also understand that the faders who choose not to are NOT paranoid, they have good reason to be guarded.

  zed
• 

  FadeToBlack

  Not to hijack the thread, but this whole discussion about the art of fading, reminded me of the conversation I had recently with my mother.

  When I told her I wasn't going to meetings anymore or going out in service (I am the only witness in my family) she was extremely happy and curious. When I started blabbing on about fading, etc, she got really confused. Can't you just say, 'thanks, but no thanks. I'm just not into it anymore?'. I didn't want to get into the whole cult-thing at the time, but it really made an impression on me that as others here often say: it is a cult (or if you prefer, a HCG).
• 

  Phizzy

  Just to add another warning in line with the Thread title.

  I know of two people directly who got in big trouble by being identified on here, from comments they had made in the Members Only section, so the spies who went running to the Elders and outed them must have joined up !

  In both cases action against the ones blowing the whistle was promised by the Elders but not taken, nothing was done to the sneaky, snidey slime balls.

  One of the individuals outed was DF'd in short order, at 16 yrs old, the other was not for some reason , but neither went back to the High Control Cult.

  If you do not want to be outed to the Nazi Elders then be very careful what you post, especially personal experiences and other info about yourself.
• 

  cedars

  Phizzy, can I assume that the experiences you relate have happened recently, since 2011?

  Cedars
• 

  Julia Orwell

  Cedars,

  You gave me great advice about fading in a recent email you sent to me in response to my worries posted on JWSurvey. I want to thank you for that, and also the people on this site who have so much more experience than me. My nature is quite outspoken, so it was good to get encouragement to keep quiet. I have the support of my unbelieving family, especially my father who saw right through the WTS from the get-go, and I would have just walked if not for my husband still being in.

  Yet, he is a reasonable man. He listens to me. But I do have to be careful. I know now just to enjoy the good things about my congregation such as my friends, and fade slowly and quietly. Some experiences on here really echo how I feel.

  Thanks Cedars, and keep up the good work! If you get ratted out, know that it has not been in vain. I owe you, brother.
• 

  cedars

  Thanks Julia

  I'm glad JWsurvey has been helpful to you. One thing you said resonates with me...

  My nature is quite outspoken, so it was good to get encouragement to keep quiet.

  I am just the same. Always have been since I was a child. If something unjust happens, I just can't keep quiet about it. When I was a boy, and wound up in trouble with my parents, they knew if they had disciplined me fairly/unfairly by my reaction. If it was fair I would go quiet and take it on the chin. If it was unfair (i.e. based on someone else's false accusation) I would raise hell and not keep quiet about it.

  If I'm honest, I think it's harder for people like that to fade. Fading, by definition, involves melting into the background and being silent, even though the situation is unjust and your rights are being trampled on. When you have a strong sense of justice, your instinct is to remove the gag and not allow yourself to be "contained." That's what I'm personally finding increasingly difficult, and after trying out fading for a couple of years, I'm looking forward to getting out once and for all (albeit according to my own terms/timetable).

  If my parents object saying, "Why couldn't you just keep quiet and be inactive?" I will tell them, "Because you wouldn't let me! You disrespected my beliefs by trying to get me to conform to yours at every opportunity. It was intellectually and emotionally draining, and after trying it for two years I couldn't take it any more."

  Having said all that, it may be that you aren't quite as outspoken as I am. Also, it sounds like you have a large network of non-JW relatives who can help you, which isn't really the case with me. But still, if fading IS the option for you at the moment (which it sounds like it is) you need to stay quiet as a mouse with your husband, and only nudge him along when he expresses his own doubts.

  Cedars
• 

  LongHairGal

  CEDARS:

  There isn't just distrust and paranoia among faders. It also exists among those that are DFd or DAd if those persons have contact with those still in or on the fringes.

  I witnessed this recently. All I can say is that I am GLAD I found MY way out of this religion and have no family there to worry about.

  GOOD riddance - to the religion and the whole freakin' mindset that goes with it !!
• 

  return of parakeet

  I will continue to avoid meeting other ex-dubs until my elderly dub mother dies. There's no reason she should be subjected to any more trauma than she's already experienced (severe illness, widowed, WTS).

  Like any other group of people, ex-dubs may slip and let out information unintentionally. That's not paranoia; it's reasonable caution.
• 

  moshe

  It would be nice to go out with a bang if at all possible.

  Be careful what you wish for--