Distrust and paranoia among faders

by cedars 77 Replies latest jw friends

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  cedars

  Hi guys

  I'm interested in knowing whether any other faders out there ever find themselves feeling a little paranoid about establishing contact with other faders or former JWs, just in case the unthinkable happens and things turn sour.

  Personally, I'm now fairly comfortable with the idea that I will be disfellowshipped or disassociated within the next year or so. I see it as inevitable, and an essential transition in order to do what I want to do with my life. Even so, I strongly feel that it needs to happen according to my timing, and not be enforced on me by someone else through being "outed." Otherwise, I'm concerned that my plan to leave the organization won't impact my family in the controlled manner that I would like it to.

  This means that I feel very wary about contacting those from my childhood etc who I know are former Witnesses, just in case they mention our conversation to friends/family and news of the conversation somehow ends up reaching the ears of a loyal Witness who knows me. The same thing applies to establishing contact with other faders from where I grew up, or JWs who I know (or have a strong hunch) are disloyal to the organization, just in case it ends up forcing my hand and disrupting my plans.

  It's a shame this cult induces such fear and paranoia even among those who have mentally extricated themselves from indoctrination. Part of me thinks "to hell with it" and to just let what happens happen. Another part of me is very cautious and wants to leave the organization on my own terms and according to my own timing. After all, I will only leave once. It would be nice to go out with a bang if at all possible.

  Is anyone else in the same boat?

  Cedars
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  Mickey mouse

  Yes I did feel that way for a while. It's an anxiety which lessens the longer you are out of the JW scene.
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  00DAD

  Cedars,

  Did you see this thread which I started apparently 7 minutes before you started this one:

  • PMs from Newbies fishing for personal info

  00DAD

  BTW, I really like your comment about doing things on our terms and "according to our timing"!
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  Mickey mouse

  BTW, I sent you a PM.
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  insearchoftruth4

  Oh yes Cedars. The exit of this emotional roller coaster is not a quick fix (I wish it was). Its our family, long time friends that bothers the hell out of me. Come what may, I would like to have control but it isn't the case. In the meantime they (family, friends) just got to get use to it. No meetings inactive ect. ect. is the way it is......BTW your style of music is kinda my flavor....
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  Rob Crompton

  It is entirely understandable that you should be cautious. You need to be able to remain in control of how everything works out for you. On the other hand, it is perhaps worth reflecting upon the extent to which exJWs' experience of life within with WT movement might have led to habits which could put up barriers among member of the exJW community.

  And as a post-script, I can honestly say that if there is anyone out there who might have known me in JWs days, I would neither out you nor would I pursue any religious or political agenda.
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  SophieG

  It should be NORMAL to say: Hey I am out, not working for me and everyone just say: OK. But it’s not. I want to just tell everyone I don’t do this anymore and have them act like it ok, but there is this fear that is built in that I know I just can’t do that. I want to talk to others about what I have found out but who can I trust? It’s really sickening!

  So to get back at the org that instilled that fear I am systematically trying to pull my family members out one by one.
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  cedars

  Thanks everyone!

  00DAD - that is uncanny about your post. Great minds think alike, I guess! I've contributed to it anyway.

  Mickey - you have a PM too!

  Rob Crompton

  And as a post-script, I can honestly say that if there is anyone out there who might have known me in JWs days, I would neither out you nor would I pursue any religious or political agenda.

  Probably the vast majority of Ex-JWs and faders would echo those sentiments. The trouble is there is no way of being 100% sure that the person you confide in is trustworthy and not prone to blabbing.

  Cedars
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  Emery

  Yes much paranoia indeed.

  There are some disfellowshipped friends of mine who still believe its the truth, yet paradoxically are not doing anything to actually come back. They are living contrary to the "truth" they believe. I have recently contacted and visited a very good friend of mine who was DF'd 6-7 years ago for being a sexual man whore at 19. He's now happily married, with 2 kids and recognizes his past mistakes. I only contacted him because I knew from previous emails throughout the years that he was never coming back. Once I told him where I now stood, he almost cried. It truly was like a real resurrection, our friendship picked up from right where we left off, no awkwardness, just a lot of apologies. However, I had to educate him on what I can and can't do right now and how important it is that he keep our friendship out of conversations with his jw mother and step father. His step father happens to be my best friend's uncle haha, so the possiblity of it turning ugly is very real.

  You have to explore the risks but in the end, if you know you're going to be gone soon then there is no point in delaying inevitable friendships.
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  respectful_observer

  I'm not technically a fader, so I'm especially wary of disclosing my real name or even details in my life/events/meetings that might let someone put the pieces together.

  I've seen others make these recommendations, which I may or may not follow:

  - Change the "names". Was it your brother-in-low who brought up seeming inconsistancies with the blood issue, or could it have been a pioneer sister you were going door-to-door with? Whose to say. Or do you remember that bizarre comment made from the stage last night? That brother sister always says such crazy stuff when he she has a talk.

  - Change the place. Were you talking with someone about the latest "Generation" change at the hall, while watching a football game, at a Quick Build TM ? Hard to tell, my memory isn't quite what it was.

  - Change the date. So you just got back from the CA/SAD/DC and are all riled up over that symposium bashing higher education. You want to post your thoughts right away, but then realize that everyone will know your congregation had the CA/SAD/DC that weekend, and that may give someone one more piece to your real identity. Good thing it still qualifies as a "recent" assembly that may or may not have happened "a few months/weeks ago.

  Lastly, before I click "Submit" on any post, I think "If someone did manage to figure out R_O might be me, printed out all my posts and handed them to the elders, is there anything I've written that actually qualifies as 'apostate thinking?'" I tend to qualify a lot of my statements. (e.g. "Some might think", not "I think.)