Is the grass greener on the other side?

by What Now? 34 Replies latest jw experiences

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  What Now?

  Hi all...

  So my mom phoned me up this morning and said she needed to talk to me about something. She asked me whether or not our (worldly) family thought that my husband and I were witnesses anymore. One, someone in my family said to her, "I didn't know you guys wear short dresses like that" - commenting on a slightly above the knee dress I had worn to a family event. Also, apparently after I had played a card game with my grandmother and aunts, in which you make small bets with nickels, I had been "gambling", and "I thought you don't gamble in your religion". And lastly, we had spent New Years Eve with my grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins. We didn't really think anything of it, we had no plans for the evening and I had happened to be talking with my grandmother that day and she mentioned they were just going to have dinner, play cards, watch the ball drop, etc ... So I thought, why not?

  Anyways ... after all this, my mom basically says to me that if we're not witnesses anymore (meaning if we don't go out in service or to meetings and are just inactive), that's ok with her, it's our decision and she respects that. But, if we were to start being blatant about it, ie- celebrating holidays, smoking, getting tattoos, etc - then that would put her (and my uber witness sisters) in a bad position and they would have to draw a line somewhere.

  First of all, I'm completely shocked that my mom would be "ok" with us being inactive. And I do understand what she's saying.

  If any of you have read some of my earlier posts, you know that my husband and I have a 2 year old son, and that is a major factor in our deciding to leave or stay in this religion.

  So ... the reason for this post ...

  After a couple of years of living this double life, of going through the motions, slowly fading out ... wanting our friends and family to KNOW ... waiting for the opportunity to say something...

  Now that my family does know ... I'm completely confused as to what direction I want to take.

  I've started to wonder if leaving is what I really want.

  Honestly, I can't take the doctrine seriously. I don't think I ever will. But there is much more to this religion than just the doctrine. On this site, I read so many experiences of people who have left, and to be honest, some of them don't do so well.

  So I wonder to myself ... would I really be doing the best thing, for myself and for my son by leaving? Do I trust myself, that I will be able to instill good morals and values in him, without religion in the picture?

  When I go for walks with my son, I see kids walking home from school, and sometimes I'm SHOCKED by the things they're talking about, the language they use, the clothes they wear - we're talking pre-teens! And I think, are these the kind of kids that I want my son growing up to be friends with? Not that witness kids are always perfect examples of morality good behavior ... but they are to some extent, aren't they?

  We haven't ever really made super close friends within the organization ... but the friends that we do have are at least ... wholesome, I guess I would say. And I like that, that's the kind of people I want to be friends with. Just without the obligation of having to do meetings and service

  This conversation with my mom has really messed with my head. I guess when after so many months of hiding, when it becomes REAL it puts everything in perspective. I worry that I'll come over to "the other side", and all that freedom I wanted for so long, won't turn out to be what I expected, that I'll be even more miserable. That I'll be doing more damage to my son by leaving than I would if we raised him as a witness. I try to imagine raising him as a witness ... and the thing is, I can picture it going well. I know I can make it fun, something he'll enjoy and want for himself. I know he'd have a great group of friends, whose parents I would trust.

  Then there's the other side, the crazy, culty side of the religion, that I want to protect him from.

  I'm so lost right now.

  Can anyone else relate to this??
• 

  Berengaria

  I can't relate to it at all, but I understand (to a point) where you are coming from.

  First of all, if you truly believe the "truth" is the truth, then you should go back. If you don't, then nothing else matters, it's real life.

  Second, I learned plenty of bad habits from the JW kids I knew. JW or anything else, it's about individuals and their families. I will tell you I never forgot reading a blurb from a Psychologist, who said she had never seen a more messed up bunch of individuals, than Jehovah's Witnesses. I have to agree. Also if you look at statistics, the retention rate is very low. In other words even if you go back, your son is unlikely to stay.

  I have said a thousand times, my happiest thought in life is that my children never knew ONE day as JW's.
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  Glander

  You have come face to face with the ultimate responsibility of all adults. Those with young children are even more aware that life is in your hands.

  Do you consider yourself moral people with decent ethics? Do you feel capable of imparting a good example to your kids?

  Would you like to turn all those pesky decisions over to some religious authority figure so you can "relax" and just follow the rules?

  Jehovah's Witnesses are just one choice. There are many churches that offer a basic stable framework that can help you navigate your family through the jungle of human life we all live in.

  First things first. What do you believe? Not about armageddon, christmas or birthdays, but about right and wrong?

  The children you mentioned above that you observe everyday, who are not behaving in a way you want your son to behave. Maybe they are just acting out. Your son is not an orphan because you are not a JW. There are ways of life that have a positive influence that doesn't involve high control cults.

  PS I must add, Berengaria has raised a couple of the finest young people you would ever want to know.
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  Berengaria

  There's a world full of wonderful kids (and adults) out there. To assume that the JW's are better than others is just a trap. Wholly untrue.
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  LostGeneration

  Agree with Glander. It basically is put on your big girl pants and grow up time. But when so many of your decisions are made for you from Day 1 of your life, it is so easy to become immobilized and simply keep on going with what you have always known.

  There is green grass on both sides of the fence. IMHO, there ain't much of it one the WTS, but there is a little to be sure. Insta-friends, as I call them, provide a security blanket that many can't seem to let go of.

  You are looking at the brown grass on this side of the fence.... its the uncertainty of jumping over there, knowing you are going to have to plant your own seed, water it, mow it and keep after it year after year. Yeah, that yard is gonna look like shit the first year or two, but keep at it and within a decade you will have an incredible life with real friends...and you son won't be cussing you under his breath because you are making him dress up in a suit on Sunday just to fake it in this stupid religion.
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  finally awake

  the thing is, even if you raise your kids as witnesses, they will still learn all sorts of things you wish they wouldn't from the "worldly" kids at school. Unless you plan on homeschooling and totally restrict their contact with non-witness kids, anyway. We did that, and for what it's worth, we are now undoing a dozen years' worth of damage to our kids. I think we were actually pretty fun parents, not really ever all that restrictive, lots of vacations, lots of toys, lots of fun times not involving "theocratic" activities. It's still damaging though - kids shouldn't be listening to talks about oral sex. how everyone who isn't a perfect dub is going to die etc etc. That stuff sticks with kids. My middle son was 10 when we left, and his therapist told me that he said he was so happy that we quit going.
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  Apognophos

  Honestly, some kids can grow up as Witnesses and, even if they leave, be fairly well-adjusted as grown-ups. And yes, there's plenty of good association among Witness kids.

  But many Witness kids are good at leading double lives. Practically all of my peers in the congregation were hiding things -- they were stealing, watching violent movies and playing violent games, and swearing. But to most adults in the cong., they were "good association". Even though our classmates at school were doing some of the same bad things, at least they weren't leading a double life. You could clearly see who they were as soon as you started getting to know them.

  You probably need to try other churches. But even before that, one easy step you can take is to look up the word "Jesusism" on Wikipedia -- why not do it right now and then come back to this post? I was actually somewhat shocked to read the simple definition of this word, because I had assumed, as a lifelong Witness, that if I left "the truth", I had to give up my whole moral foundation -- an idea that sounds silly when I say it out loud, but this was how I was programmed to think.

  It was only when I learned that word that I realized that being free meant that I could literally chose to live however I wanted -- even just like a Christian -- without organized religion in my life! I could be as strict as, or even stricter than, a Witness if I wanted. I actually felt relief at this thought, and began to feel a burden lift from me. I had been scared that I would become some kind of lawless maniac if I left the religion, but finally I realized that, since the love of being a good person was within me, I didn't need anyone else to guide my life in order for me to still try to be good.

  As finally awake said, your kids are going to see and hear things they shouldn't have to from their schoolmates, but you yourselves can provide the good example at home that counteracts any negative peer pressure. As for friends, it could be that going to a church in the area will help you find other parents whose children you would want yours to associate with. At least they probably won't be raising their kids so strictly that the kids are forced to develop a split personality in order to hide who they really are from their parents.
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  jamiebowers

  I try to imagine raising him as a witness ... and the thing is, I can picture it going well. I know I can make it fun, something he'll enjoy and want for himself. I know he'd have a great group of friends, whose parents I would trust.

  As far as I know, most "worldly" people as a group do NOT hide pedophiles within their midst. You have less reason to trust jw parents, because the Watch Tower makes it a point to cover up child molestation.
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  NeverKnew

  WhyNot? Your post is hard for me to read.

  I only know Witnesses. I've never been one. Only recently have I gone to a meeting. I had to sneak into one in a different area of town with a stranger (who I now consider a friend) because of potential ramifications of going with my Witness friends to their congregations. If that sounds right to you, I can only pray for you.

  I'm what you call a worldly.

  I'm a college educated female.

  I'm going on twenty years at one job. I'm a consultant for the state police and a landlord.

  I don't have a tattoo.

  I'm not promiscuous and never have been. I'm not even sexually active. I'm in my 40's.

  I can probably count the number of times on one hand that I've had more than three glasses of wine. Wine makes me sleep. So much for partying.

  I dont' smoke. Anything. I never have smoked.

  I've made dumb decisions and smart decisions. We all have. It's part of growing. I do not believe God hates me because of my dumb ones.

  I don't like bars, clubs or parties. Never have. I'm an extrovert but not my thing.

  I have a 21 year old daughter - to my husband at that time. I'm now divorced. I was the first divorcee in my family in my lifetime.

  He was abusive. God didn't introduce me to him because of a hatred for any former life decisions. I was put in his life to show him what unconditional love was, but my purpose was very obviously not to stay. I still feel sorry for him.

  The Catholic church helped me regain my footing. I'm not, never have been, and most likely will never be Catholic. It was okay. They didn't ask or require that of me.

  My daughter attended an independent school not because we're rich but because we were blessed. Tuition was $25,000/year - Her scholarship covered a good bit.

  She was known as "Designated xxxx" not because she had a license to drive - she didn't. She was taught not to judge BUT to set parameters and require that others respect those parameters while remaining unoffensive. She does so with ease not because I trained her, but because she was given free reign to practice and perfect the skill.

  She has no tattoos.

  She does not smoke. Anything.

  She sings jazz and works for Apple.

  Both she and I have acquired friends of the same mold as us. You know what they say about birds of a certain feather...

  My JW friends? I LOVE them and would do anything to help them - especially knowing what I've learned on here. Their profiles? Lovingly and respectfully - We're talking criminal record histories, depression, anxiety, legal challenges, drug and alcohol use and secret lives that they can only share with me because they know they'll be accepted unconditionally. WhyNot? I'm not talking about something I've HEARD, I'm talking about things I KNOW. I see more dysfunction in their families than I've EVER seen in the lives of those I've spent a lifetime getting to know here in the "world."

  Ask yourself this. If I thought as you did, what conclusions might I draw about my kid hanging out with Witness children?

  When I was young, I went to a school that was primarily the dominant culture (white) and my father was criticized by some for sending me to the school for I'd run the risk of losing my identity. His attitude? ... "She's going to have to learn how to navigate society being who she is. She may as well learn early." In my opinion, I'd put the Watchtower's stereotype down, learn how to navigate the world and teach/show your kids how to do the same.

  Either decision you make, I'll still be JWN friends with you. :)
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  NeverKnew

  Did I mention that one high school JW friend I do not "associate" with anymore is an active member in good standing who is also on Megan's List? I hope you don't feel like I'm piling on.

  I'm praying for him.