.....It is painful to watch... (page 5)

AGuest

That all sounds REALLY tough, Jer, and you are to be commended for your love and patience. Just a thought: is it possible your sister only wants to see her husband because she's lonely and besides you and mom (who just can't be there ALL the time, of course!), there's only him? If so, a small pet might would alleviate some of that but I can't imagine who would care for it. Is it possible that you can check with the home or perhaps a charitable organization that might arrange for a volunteer or perhaps a high school kid who's considering the medical field or something to routinely visit her, say a couple/few times a week? I know there are some out there that do that.

In the meantime, I can totally relate to how frustrating this all MUST be for you (caring for the sick can be tough!)... but it's GOT to be terrifying for her, to be a body that has betrayed her and left her at the mercy of others, even someone who can't care for as she needs). And now she has to "hide" her husband (because she's knows he's not good for her at all!)... so imagine the guilt on top of the pain and fear. You poor folks, truly!

Just some thoughts and, again, she is very fortunate to have you as her brother.

A doulos of Christ,

SA

OnTheWayOut

While some of what you suggest is not ENTIRELY out of the realm of possibility, let me be real for a moment.

The type of people who volunteer to visit regularly are Jehovah's Witnesses counting their time or nuns or the like. She rejects them. Oh, there are advocates and social workers and such- they stop by and get to talk to her. But nobody is a trained counselor and nobody has all the time in the world. She can get her hair done every month, she can see a podiatrist every month, she can go hear people entertain the residents with songs or holiday shows that are as corny as can be, but still something to do. A pet in a nursing home- certainly not. The home has a massive bird cage on the first floor. That's their pets. I like stopping there. Some finches even had babies this past year in there. I don't see residents enjoying the birds as much as I enjoy them, but I am not there day in and day out.

She leaves the room and joins the exercise group every day, doing the upper body part the best she can. She made friends in the nursing home, plays cards or whatever with them. I think many residents help her with that. They like her. She is not totally bed-ridden, but these things take their toll. She can be out of bed for a couple hours, sometimes as much as four hours for a necessary outing, but she is totally drained then.

It isn't boredom from nothing to do. It's boredom from not being able to do anything for long. Her husband re-introduces chaos into the mix. She's getting away with something, she's arguing, she's thrilled to be bad, I don't know.

There really are no answers, and I don't expect to come up with one here.

flipper

OTWO- Wow. Just saw this thread when I got home this afternoon and just read it. I'm sorry buddy you are having to deal with this. I agree with Flying High Now regarding it being your sister's journey - to an extent- yet that journey involves you and your mother trying to help your sister make logical physical & mental health decisions which will cause her the least angst and discomfort in whatever amount of time she has left. I know we've talked before on the phone about your sister's condition. It truly is a tragedy. Very sad.

That being said- It sounds like you might need to have a heart to heart talk with your sister about how dangerous it would be if her soon to be ex-husband took her away from her life saving medical help and care. He has shown that he's not capable- especially at this juncture of her illness - to assist her with what she needs medically , let alone financially. True, if she's having second thoughts of not divorcing him due to having flashbacks of affection he may visit - if she desires it- but it would have to be made clear he can't interfere with her physical & emotional well being.

I guess what I'm trying to say , and perhaps this is what Flying High Now meant is although your sister is medically unable to care for herself decision wise , or even emotionally - where is the line drawn as to whether she is stable enough to decide to let her husband back into her life ? Unfortunately that decision may be her call ( much to your dislike I know ) and certain wishes of hers may have to be met. I don't know. I'm just trying to portay to you the variables here- not telling you what to do at all. It's a slippery slope to be sure. At least you are the guardian over her financially so her ex can't abuse her financially or rip her off. But then again if he's a fast Franky and wants to just cozy up to her before she dies to get something financially ( which is entirely possible here ) then you've REALLY got a challenge ahead of you and it would behoove you to inform your sister of this possibility with her ex-husband as well.

So all I say is do the best you can to keep protecting your sisters interests . Yeah, she lied to you , but she's probably desperate - for what- I don't know- especially regarding her ex. But it is something you should find out from her in conversation to draw her out so no stone is left unturned with no hidden agendas either with her or her ex-husband. I wish you the best my friend and if you'd like to chat, I'm here off work tomorrow . Glad to chat anytime my friend

jamiebowers

My husband and I had a similar situation with his mother. She was sick for years with heart problems having both carotid arteries done and a quadruple bypass surgery. Then she fell and broke her hip, and everything really went downhill from there. She had to put her husband, who had dementia, in a nursing home. After all of the drama from caring for him was gone, she insisted on allowing a drug addict, adult relative live with her.

I think she had to have chaos in her life, and it seems it is the same with your sister. Although social workers stop by and see your sister, maybe you could ask that department to spend more time with her and talk out the issues she's experiencing with her husband. Although social workers aren't therapists, they are trained to look for patterns that result from abuse.

I know it probably sounds crazy to you, but people who live in abusive situations get used to it, and nothing else seems normal. It's a terrible cycle, but it can be broken, even in the late stage that your sister is in. If that doesn't work, you could petition the court to appoint a guardian for her. My husband and I had that done for one of his brothers who suffered terrible mental illness resulting from a serious head injury. The first guardian was a CPA, but a lawyer was appointed after it was determined that my brother in law had to be committed to a psychiatric nursing home.

Whether it's "therapy" from a social worker or a court appointed guardian, some of the pressure can be taken off of you. The fact that you have her doctor on your side counts for a lot. Basically, the courts will do whatever the doctor recommends. At least that's how it turned out in our case.

Good luck to you. I know you are in an awful situation.

mamochan13

OTWO - what a difficult situation.

When it comes to domestic abuse within a relationship, it's very complex. Women stay in abusive situations and outsiders cannot comprehend why they don't leave. The Jaycee Dugard story is an excellent example. JamieBowers has mentioned one of the reasons, but there are many more: Guilt, emotional dependence, feeling responsible for the abuse, feeling responsible for the abuser. Even religion plays a role - a deep-seated belief in the permancne of marriage, for example. He was her support system for a long time, albeit dysfunctional. The presence of an illness complicates things even more. Your sister likely sees positive things in him or feel that he is the only one who can really care for her. There is also a very dark side to it, as you've said, a type of death wish. And, of course, after living in an abusive relationship for many years, the woman's self-esteem is completely destroyed to the point where she believes her abuser is the only one who truly loves her. Post-traumatic stress is common consequence, as well.

It's unfortunate that your sister does not have access to better mental health resources. You might find it helpful to do a little reading on the topic of why women stay in an abusive relationship. The U.S. govt website has a number of good links at http://womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/types-of-violence/domestic-intimate-partner-violence.html

You are already doing all the right things by protecting her legally and financially. It's much more difficult to protect her against the emotional connection.

.....It is painful to watch...

AGuest

OnTheWayOut

flipper

jamiebowers

mamochan13

flipper

OnTheWayOut

MrFreeze

jgnat

moshe

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