Below, I will present a history of the notoriously known 'Recovery'. I am sure I will be banned not too shortly after posting this, but I will be satisfied knowing that I spoke the 'truth' about 'the truth' (my truth). I am putting all my cards on the table and being completely honest. Even if you dislike me, I hope that after reading this, you can understand me.
Approximately a year ago:
I signed up as a 'nananana'. This was obviously for trolling purposes. But why would anyone waste their time stirring up trouble here? Was it not because a person is feeble-minded and has nothing better to do? In my case, quite the opposite. I was still very much indoctrinated at this point, and found the thought of anyone, especially former elders and pioneers, leaving the organization to be so absurd, that it had to be some sort of joke. I just could not the fathom the rationality of leaving the organization and becoming an agnostic, an atheist, or anything of the sort. So I started several threads (out of childish cognitive dissonance) with the sole purpose of trying to 'awaken' people by hyperbole. You can see the threads I started below:
http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/member/50646/started/1
Approximately four months ago:
I signed up as 'Recovery', a name that I was proud of. During the ensuing months I had stumbled upon various 'apostate' websites, forums, and essays, and found my knowledge of 'the truth' and how to defend 'the truth' to be extremely defficient and this devastated me. My only recourse was to seek advice from a well-known JW apologist: thirdwitness; His advice simply put, was to take all my doubts head on, by discussing them openly on forums such as this. My efforts were sincere, but they also scared me, because this could completely change my life. Everything I knew to be truth all my life, could be taken from me and I'd have NO choice but to deal to deal with it. To mask my childish fears, I flaunted a persona of arrogance, sarcasm, so that I could appear confident while inside I was merely nothing but a scared little boy. I started several discussions, many of which revolved around jwfacts. Why, might you ask? His, was likely the FIRST website I had come across dealing with JW issues. I was angry, I was sad, I was crushed that I had no answer for many of his arguments. I felt as if he had taken my faith away from me! As if he had destroyed my peace of mind and my happiness in knowing I had 'the truth'. So I determined that I would make him 'pay'...by proving him wrong. This culminated in me posting a copy of a private message he sent me and thus I was banned. I wasCRUSHED. My only opportunity to face my fears was taken from me over something so trivial, something I would have NEVER done had I known it's implications.
Approximately two months ago:
At this point I was determined that I could not give up so easily, so I made another account under the name of OlinMoyle41. Under this pseudonym, I pleaded to Simon and the members of JWN to give me another chance. You can see that thread here: http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/members/private/239750/1/My-PLEA-to-the-Members-Admins-of-JWN-Important
I was allowed to come back. I was elated! Shortly after I started a thread petitioning the mods to check their PM's (if they could restore my old account Recovery). After many days, I received no response. The name 'Recovery' meant a lot to me (I work in a rehab center and saw myself as a in a destitute spiritual state). So I made another account under the name StillRecovery. However, for violating the "multiple accounts" rule (?) they were both banned and deleted. Again, my opportunity slips right up from under my feet.
Approximately a month ago:
Feeling cheated, and almost defeated, I decided to give it another shot. I signed up another name Ethos, which I had learned in my composition classes to signify a writer's character, his credibility, his 'logic'. Though my efforts had backfired, I still wanted to take my fears head on and participate in discussions. Soon though, after making a thread letting Simon know I sent him a PM, my posting was restricted and I was no longer able to post 'until my oldest post expires ~11 years ago.' I waited weeks, hoping for a response from the mods, asking why, what did I do wrong, but no response. I was, quite frankly, on the verge of giving up. I told myself I was try once more....
Approximately two weeks ago:
I signed up as 'FaceTheFacts' (though I wouldn't admit to previous membership because I was sure I would be banned). I spent many hours researching and actually reading substantial books...like the Gentile Times Reconsidered. I researched every statement, researched a great deal about Hebrew and Greek, the LXX, and so forth. I composed arguments I was proud of; they weren't superficial; they weren't mean-spirited; or immature childish lashings at an author, but my own conclusions I arrived at and wanted to discuss. Shortly, though, I was again banned. And here I am....stuck in a vortex of confusion and stagnation, hopelessly wishing to resolve my own doubts by discussing them openly, but unable to do so. I can't discuss it with my family, friends, or anyone else. I can only do it here. And even here, I managed to screw my only opportunity up. What am I to do? I am stuck in a forcibly active JW lifestyle, I'm not even sure I believe! I work part-time, go to college full-time, and am so constantly busy I have no downtime to face these real issues. This was my only outlet. And it was taken from me for....posting a private message?