Need advice from a female

by CADSkin 50 Replies latest social relationships

  • CADSkin

    Long story short. I’ve been married for 18 years to my beautiful wife. When I was younger I had a lot of attention due to my looks which has always made me extremely uncomfortable. I used to have a debilitating shyness and low self esteem and eventually just ended up trying to drink myself to death. I gained about 80 pounds in 10 years due to booze. During this time my wife had 3 c sections and also put on weight. I stopped drinking 2 years ago and couldn’t sleep so I started going to the gym to tire myself out. I’ve lost most of my extra weight and put on a lot of muscle. My wife tries to lose weight but can’t due to age/babies/motivation to work out. So, here’s my problem. I now am getting a lot of attention from females. They will come up to me and try to flirt or stare even when I’m with my wife. This always leaves her very depressed and can knock her down for quite a while. She acknowledges that I’m not doing anything wrong but still takes it out on me at times. I try and do all I can for her to build her self esteem and be loving but she has now come to a point where she doesn’t like going anywhere with me due to her saying we no longer match and she doesn’t want to compete with 20 year olds. I don’t think this is true at all but I need help convincing her of this. All the flowers in the world and all the times I tell her she’s beautiful aren’t helping. I encourage her to come to the gym with me but every time she does she says someone is giving her dirty looks and staring at me. This makes me very uncomfortable as I’m now a pretty happy person and just feel people are being nice. Any advice would be appreciated.

  • Think About It
    Think About It

    I took my GF to the gym with me, and should have seen the dirty look she was getting from a female instructor standing in the background that I would chit-chat with whenever I seen her in there. Yeah....I think these women are just being nice. LOL

  • problemaddict

    Well.....I'm not a woman. Just wanted to clear that up. But this works both ways. Diet is more important than exercise to start. But then you can add things to it that end up challenging her. So why not take the family outdoors more? Lay off the bad food? Go hiking with her?

    Hell, send her to a womans only gym and pay for some training. Then support her by cooking delicious healthy meals. Even after 3 C sections a woman can lose weight. You have to mix weights and cardio depending on her build.

    and if all else fails, send her to crossfit. Crossfit is amazing, a very posative environment, and you progress quickly.

  • cognac

    I would just be all over her and don't bother with these women until she feels more secure. If a woman is talking to you go on and on about how awesome your wife is.

    Put your arms around her constantly, flirt with her incessantly, put your hands in back of her jean pockets, especially when you are in public, etc, etc, etc.

  • coffee_black

    Women can be cruel. Do not assume that they are being kind.

    Why not buy her some equipment that she can use at home... She may feel self conscious, and not want to work out in front of others. You could coach her on the equipment and work out with her. Take walks together, or bike rides. Cook together, and make the healthier meals more romantic by eating by candle light.


  • Lozhasleft

    Oh Cadskin, if any women come on to you when you are either alone or with your wife make it abundantly clear that you are NOT interested. Looks are skin deep, your wife has stayed with you knowing all your faults and failings beneath what is apparently an attractive skin, she gave you children at great cost to her physical. Show her with words and deeds how very much you value her. Don't allow this empty flattery to fool you that you are better than your wife. That'd be a big mistake.

    Loz x

  • Angharad

    Exercise classes always motivate me more - I find just going to the gym to work out on the treadmill so boring and I don't push myself but if you are in a class you tend to work harder. I recently started going to a Zumba class, it's a great cardio workout but fun and doesn't feel like the usual chore of working out.

  • tornapart

    She needs to feel good about herself. She must be feeling that you're leaving her behind. She has young children that take all her energy leaving her no time for herself.

    Why don't you give up the gym? Try instead doing body weight training at home. Buy some equipment that you can both use. A rowng machine is brilliant for working the whole body, she can see what calories she's using up. Cook some healthy meals together. If you have the money treat her to a makeover. She needs to start feeling good, that will boost her spirits. A woman won't feel beautiful no matter how much you tell her that she is unless she feels good about herself and that comes from doing something positve that produces results. It would also help if you ignored these other women who are coming on to you. All this does is make her feel worthless.

  • mrsjones5

    Yeah, chuck the gym. Focus on your woman not all the kudos you're getting from strange. There is so much info out there on exercising at home. YouTube, Pinterest, etc. Research and find out what fits and motivates your wife. Go for walks, bike, dance...move!

  • CADSkin

    Thanks for all the responses. As far as diet goes, we are vegetarians and don't eat or drink bad at all. I do all the dinner cooking and I’d say the only thing I could cut out is bread, which is my weakness. I gained all my weight with 12-16 dark beers every day. We walk to get coffee and around the neighborhood when it’s nice but being transplants from SoCal to Washington we definitely become less active in the winter. My wife has been with me through thick and thin and has dealt with all my emotional and mental issues and I wouldn’t dream of ever being with anyone else. I’m a much more affectionate person in public than she is. Usually the only way I know I have a distant admirer is when I see her body language stiffen up and get real quiet. We’ve been to couples counseling and I’ve been through therapy. I try and encourage her to spend more time on her hobbies as this was one of the avenues my therapist had me use to take my mind off things. I think she lets strangers get the best of her too often. Before I went into therapy I’d say I was a much more jealous person than she was. Mostly I was just unhappy. Much therapy focused on the JW upbringing and the feeling of never being good enough so why bother.

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